The Memoirs

Aerosmith was blasting from the very, very nice speakers in the sleek little bullet of a jaguar as Dominic revved the engine. Buttery cream leather covered every surface that didn’t have mahogany paneling. The chairs were sprawled comfortably for the long drive, the heat going, the chairs toasty. The small cooler behind Dominic’s seat was cracked open, and ice and twin bottles of Dr. Pepper peaked out amongst sandwiches Dominic had put there for the long drive.

With every thump of the beat Dominic thumped the steering wheel, rocking out and following the beat.

Lionel was sitting in the passenger side of the Jaguar, his head leaning against the headrest, eyes closed in protest of the thundering music. But he said not a word, instead suffering in majestic silence as the air from the heat vents teased the ends of his hair.

The song ended with a crash of instruments and a loud wail from the very... vocal lead singer. A slow ballad came on next, much to, Dominic knew, his passengers relief, an he turned the sound down, turning his head to gaze at him. The car was on cruise control and his toes were happily wriggling in his shoes. The second pair of the morning, as the first had been filled with drool. "I know you love me, now."

Lionel cracked an eye open. "You actually had your doubts?" The volume was finally turned down to an acceptable level, and he turned his head on the headrest to gaze at his lover over the rim of his sunglasses.

He glanced back at the road, making sure to keep the course as he yawned, newly trimmed goatee crinkling as he did. He rubbed a hand through his hair and rubbed at the back at a little itch, hmming in delight as he passed a glance at him and tried so hard not to smile. His lover was such a dork. God, he loved him. "No." Snicker. "But now I’m sure. I was going to go through all six CDs just like that if you complained, but nothing. See? Now I know we were made for each other, if you can handle that wailing. They’re Shayla's CD's, after all."

"I... do not complain," Lionel protested. "These were... a glimpse into a strain of music that I am thankfully completely out of the loop of."

Dominic smiled again. "I used to listen to them when I was a boy. Now, you know, its the opera and Fuel, Creed. Rod Stewart is still an old favorite... lets see… Garbage, though they don’t make music much anymore. Shakira, another good one. Oh, and Everclear. I went to go see them in concert about two years ago."

"Placido Domingo in La Boheme. The O Soave Fanciulla aria. Garbage is what you throw in a refuse bin, Creed is an oath you take, and Everclear is one of those violent alcoholic beverages that Lex favors."

He grinned. Broadly. "Darling, tell me, have you ever seen the screen adaptation of La Boheme?"

"No, I haven't."

"Remind me to rent it for you when we get home. Its a bit… odd, but I think you'd enjoy it. Its very much a tragic love story to end all tragic love stories." Dominic nodded, yawning softly as he drove. They were a little over half on gas... had to stop and get some. "We'll be there in ten minutes. Remind me on the way home to stop and get some gas?"

"Of course I will." He stretched in the seat, and opened both his eyes. "Tell me again, where are we going? What is this person's name you seem determined to keep me in the dark about?"

"My therapist. You'll see, as I can't quite pronounce her name. My tongue refuses to go about in that direction, you know, no matter how talented it might be. I just call her madam when I see her." He turned a small smile at his lover. "She works from lower Nantucket, so its near my apartment."

"At least it's a convenient commute. However, next time, can we pay her extra so that she is the one commuting, and not us?"

"You know, what I said in that email stands true, lovely. No matter... no matter what happens today? I need you to promise me you love me, regardless." He swallowed, hard, and glanced up with another small smile, though his eyes were shaded and worried. "She won't. She’s very strict, you know."

Lionel reached over, and stroked his fingers through his lover's short hair, and then down his cheek. "There is nothing you could say today that would make me love you any less, Dominic. I will love you, regardless."

A nervous little grin. "Even if I tell her personal things, Lionel?"

"You can tell her how many times we have sex in a night, if that will help you." He offered a small grin of his own.

Oh, Dominic laughed. "Excuse me, the running record is six. Seven, if you count the blow before work." His grin was all pride, eyes dancing at his lover. "And you know, in a twelve hour period that’s not bad."

"Especially for an old man like me." But he smiled again. "That's not bad at all. And you can tell her that."

"Are you kidding? You're a Viking." Dominic passed him an eyebrow raise. "You know that just by looking at me with that eyebrow raised you make me squirmy, right? We should probably ask her about our obsession with sex." Innocently spoken, whistling as he pulled into the right lane... then onto the off ramp, cruising as he stepped on the brake to slow them down. He neatly cut through traffic, the usual ogling at his car going unnoticed as he turned left and followed the road down. "I will tell her that you tire this old man out."

"I don't think that we have an obsession with sex, so much that we both happen to have healthy appetites."

"I agree. Dirty jokes are flying about in my brain like you couldn’t believe, by the by."

Lionel braced himself on the dashboard as they merged into traffic, and then relaxed. "I would believe; I know you, Dominic."

He grinned, wickedly, eyebrow raised at him. "Then you know I’m thinking that I love your taste, could suck you all night, would definitely be happy, and lapping all over your body is probably the best thing ever?" Dominic asked it innocently. They'd been teasing and flirting since they got on the road...something about pulling away from the situation and not dealing. And not dealing sometimes helped the dealing part.

Lionel raised an eyebrow behind his glasses. "Then in return, you would know that I have absolutely no problem with any of the things you just suggested, provided that I do get some time later to... return the favors you're bestowing upon me."

"Of course. But baby, the next time I corner you, I’m not sure you're going to be... pleased, right away." Innocent cough as he took a left, navigating the city like he'd lived there for a decade and a half. Which he had. "Remind me to buy you some tacos on the way home."

"I do not eat tacos."

Dominic turned. And gaped at him. "Breakfast tacos? Soft shell, beef and such inside?"

"I do not eat tacos of any sort, breakfast or otherwise." He returned the incredulous gaze his lover was giving him.

"You know Lionel, I feed you horrible food that is probably taking about five years off your life. Its high time you feed me something I’ve never had before and will probably stare at for five minutes." Dominic nodded, grin playing on his lips as he stopped at a red light. "I have a few rules about my food, however."

"Which are?"

"It must be dead. So dead that I cannot recall what it once was. No blood traceable. If there is blood, I will not eat it." he ticked it off on his hand. "Shells. If there are shells of any way that aren’t lobster or crab shells, don’t think I'll touch it. No insect like things. Snails included. If there are eyes, brains, or tongue?" loud snort. "Don’t even try it."

Lionel blinked. "You do not know what you are missing," he said in amazement. "You have never tasted ambrosia until you have tasted the bloody prime rib from Tratterham's. Basted in it's own juices, seared lightly just enough to kill it, and brought to you on a plate swimming in a sea of red. I am not a religious man, but that is a holy experience."

Dominic gagged, slapped a hand over his face, and stared. "Remind me never to eat any type of meat other then beef with you. My God, and Jesus Almighty that’s disgusting."

"It is not disgusting, Dominic. One of the most unusual delicacies in the world is monkey brain served warm in the cranium."

"I like cows. I like cows a lot. Looking at the cow still mooing at me from the plate--LIONEL!" Dominic bellowed. "You’re doing it on purpose now! I WILL NOT EAT BRAIN OUT OF A POOR DEFENSELESS DEAD MONKEY!"

"It's much better than watching your chef split the gullet of a fish so you can have roe caviar warm from body cavity."

Dominic was green. "Okay, you're just evil. You're telling me monkey brains and fish babies is better then breakfast taco's and McDonalds?" A click of his tongue. "For shame. You better take me out to dinner and prove me wrong."

"I'll take you out to any restaurant you like, so long as it takes more than five minutes to receive the food and there is no drive through attached to the building."

"You choose." He said it shyly, as he passed his apartment building and kept right on down the road. The buildings became much more beautiful and old in their architecture, and its what had drawn Dominic to this neighborhood first thing. He had a secret passion for architecture, something he'd never shared with anyone, and he smiled as he waved at little Mr. Yublonwerde from the corner deli. "Anything you choose."

"Then I will take you to Emilio's Bistro." Lionel said it with firm finality. "There's cuisine from every corner of the world, and likely the only place in Metropolis who will admit to serving you haggis."

Oh. Haggis. Every single little place in his brain spiked with pleasure. "Mmmm. My brother used to make it so well...over a fire. Pair it with a pint of Guinness and you've got yourself a right feast."

At that, Lionel turned green. "I do not ever want to hear you complaining about rare steak ever again. If you can consume haggis, then you've got no place chastising me over my bloody meat."

Dominic cracked up, eye brows wriggling as he turned a left. "Its good, darling. And as I’ve been eating it since I was old enough to eat solid food, its normal. I just don’t understand everyone’s aversion to it, you know. I think its lovely. Paired with a raspberry short cake, and you've got yourself a right feast." A glance. "lets stay the night. Take me to dinner... and I'll take you to my favorite pub. Get you drunk on Guinness. What do you say?"

"I will stay the night with you. I will take you out to dinner, and I will even go with you to your pub, as it were. I shall not drink Guinness, and I shall not get drunk."

"Whyever not?"

"Because one of us will have to drive home."

He offered him a smile. "Lovely, its right off my apartments, next to the deli. Within walking distance, I assure you. And ah, here we are." Dominic put his blinker on and turned into the parking lot, jackknifing nicely through traffic like the experienced city driver he was, and pulled his little sexy into a parking spot in a more secluded spot of the lot. "If anyone hits her, I hit them. You don’t mind a bit of a walk, do you?"

"Not at all." Lionel looked around suddenly, recognizing the district and not just because of it's proximity to Lionel's apartment. "Dominic..."

"Lovely...?" Dominic asked, unhooking his belt and cutting the stereo, heater, seat warmers and windshield wipers off. He reached back and shrugged into his thick wool coat and scarf, tying the navy blue and maroon around his neck as he patted his pockets for his gloves, pulling them on as well. He took the car off and stepped out, yawning quietly. For it to be nearing February it was damn cold, you know. he shivered and buttoned his coat closed, waiting for his lover.

"I thought we were going to see your therapist?" he said, more than a little crankily as he wrapped himself in the long three-quarter length duster and scarf he'd brought along.

Dominic blinked. "Ah... we are, lovely, this is it." He motioned with his head towards the building, fingers diving into his coat as he walked around the car to him. "Third floor."

"Then why the hell are we going to Dr. Nacheyez's office?" he asked tightly.

"Aye, that’s it!" Dominic exclaimed, hooking his arm through Lionel’s and stomping his feet. Fuck but it was cold. "That’s her name. The woman has the most confounding name. Since the day I met her I couldn’t pronounce it." A softly heaved sigh... until he felt his lovers tight limbs. "Baby, what is it?"

Lionel sighed. Deeply. "Elaine Nacheyez is the doctor that treated me during my... episode, many years ago."

"Is she?" Dominic glanced up, eyebrow lifting. "I’m not surprised, lovely. She’s a fabulous woman, very intelligent and kind. However... if seeing her makes you uncomfortable, let me know, baby."

"I am just... surprised, that's all. I wasn't aware we shared the same therapist." He tucked his scarf into his jacket, and fluffed his hair out over his collar.

"Neither was I, actually. I found her in the yellow pages, and I didn’t have much money. She helped me out, and since then I’ve been coming to her." Dominic pulled open one of the enormous glass doors in the classy building and smiled at the receptionist, waiting for Lionel to enter before he let the door swing closed. "Aye, hullo. We're here for Ms...." Dominic sighed, and glanced at Lionel. "Tell this young lady, will you? I'll just mangle it."

"Nacheyez, please," Lionel supplied brusquely.

"Aye, her." Dominic wasn’t sure he was pleased with the air that had come about his lover, and he just had a sinking feeling.

"Yes, sirs. Mr. Senatori and Luthor?"

"Aye, madam."

"Take the elevator to the third floor, and you can go ahead and wait in the waiting room until she’s finished with her noon. I'll beep her and let her know you're here." The girl smiled pleasantly.

"Thank you." Lionel was quiet as he headed for the elevator and pushed the button with a particularly savage motion. After a few seconds, the elevator dinged softly and opened the door, and he stepped over the threshold.

Dominic stepped in as well, fingers vising tightly as he inhaled and exhaled, quietly. The sickly whir of the elevator made his stomach churn, but he turned a gaze at his lover as he swallowed and shifted. "What’s wrong, Lionel?"

"Nothing... is wrong. I am just... not sure how I feel about the fact that we were both seeing the same therapist. Dr. Nacheyez is the best, which is why I chose her, however she knows more about my past now than I am strictly comfortable with, when it is you that we are here to take care."

"I understand, lovely. But I think everything will be alright… it's good she knows you, and me as well. It makes things easier to talk about."

"If you insist." He gave his lover a small smile. "I am serious, Dominic--nothing you say will change how I feel."

"You might rethink that in a bit." the doors dinged open and Dominic got the hell out of the elevator, stopping once he'd crossed the threshold to offer his hand to his lover. "Come on, now. Give me a big smile." he poked Lionel teasingly in the side. "Just think, we get to tell her all of our drama."

"I do hope she has enough tape," he said dryly, taking Dominic's hand and following him down the long hallway to the office.

Dominic wound his fingers through Lionel’s wordlessly, their masculine palms clasped tightly underneath the warm wool of their coats as he led his love down the hall. There had been times, more then once, when he'd come down this hall with his heart so depleted he could barely think about making it through the day, much less the week. "I could never pronounce her name right, but she's a dear. She's strong."

"Yes, yes, she is. And I must compliment her self control, as she lasted many sessions with me and I am still here to tell the tale of it." He held open the office door, and ushered Dominic into the waiting room.

Dominic stepped in, and the smell of it, of light flowers and the sun through the pretty bay windows reminded him of the times he'd come here… and why. He sobered, slipping into one of the thick couches by the door, and pulled his lover with him.

Dr. Natch, as most of her patients called her, was sitting in her empty office, with two file folders in front of her. One was Lionel Luthor; the other was Dominic Senatori. She was not surprised that each man had sought counseling; from the time spent with each of them... they needed it. However, it had surprised her that that they had decided to seek it together. Her hands clasped over the files, and she pressed the button of her speaker phone. "Julie... are Mr. Luthor and Mr. Senatori here?"

The blond behind the desk stopped popping her gum long enough to answer. "Yeah, they're here, Dr. Natch."

"Excellent. Could you send them in please?"

"Sure!" Julie said, even though it sounded like "Shoo-awh!" She put down her nail file and cleared her throat. "Mr. Luthor, Mr. Senatori? The doctor will see you now." Then she picked her nail file back up and kept shaping.

Dominic glanced up and his fingers squeezed Lionel’s, tightly. "Ah. thank you, Ms. Anderson. How is Ricky, by the way?" Dominic was asking as he rose, staying a little behind his lover.

"Cute little thing, as always. He's in school now, drivin' the teachers batty and not me!" She grinned, because it wasn't everyone who remembered her little boy's name.

Lionel squeezed Dominic's fingers. "Thank you." He tugged his lover down the hallway, towards the office.

"Bye, darling," Dominic waved and followed his lover, staying a little behind him. Instinctual and not at all something conscious, he stayed a shoulder behind, the front of his brushing the back of his loves as his fingers flexed.

The good Doctors office was lovely, very feminine but professional, as always, and Dominic swallowed. "Uh...hullo, darling. Hi."

"Come on in, Dominic. You're looking well, at least, what I can see of you behind your human shield." Elaine looked at Lionel. "Hello, Lionel. You never returned my call."

"That was ten years ago, Doctor."

"Then I'm assuming you worked out your Lillian issues." She put her glasses on and looked up at her two patients.

Lionel just glared at the doctor as he peeled out of his coat and settled down in one of the two chairs in front of the desk.

Dominic waved, stepping in and shut the door behind him. It closed with a smart little click as he tugged his gloves off, stuffing them into his pocket, scarf following as he peeled out of his own jacket. He was wearing a few layers and he would stay warm for a while as he set the coat over the back and seated himself as well. He offered his hand to the lovely woman, watching the interaction silently. Christ, bringing Lionel was a bad idea.

"Welcome back, Dominic. Make yourself comfortable," Elaine said with a small smile. "Can I persuade you to call me Elaine, or are we still at the ma'am phase?"

A nod, though his grin shone through. "I was a bit younger then, ma'am."

"And we are still at the ma'am phase." She turned her gaze back to Lionel. "And are we still at the Doctor phase, or shall you grace me with my first name?"

"I still prefer Doctor, if you don't mind," Lionel said, but he relaxed a little, settling back in the chair and crossing his legs.

"I'll call you Elaine, ma'am, but only if its fit." Dominic offered, though his fingers were clasped tightly together in an old nervous habit he hadn’t had for a while.

"And I'll call you Dominic, sir." She pulled her small tape recorder out and set it on the desk. "Shall we begin? Dominic... we're here today for you, so I'd for you to start us off. What prompted your call to my office?"

"The question, ma'am Elaine, would be what didn’t prompt my call. Indeed, its been a hell of a year."

"Well, sir Dominic, would you like to elaborate on that? What kind of events has happened in this... hell of a year?"

"Let us see." Dominic leaned back in his chair and crossed ankle over his knee, as he began to name things off. "I got shot. Had a building fall on me. Started a relationship with Lionel, here. He got into a car accident. I’ve had repeated flashback episodes of..." He shifted, just a little. "You know. I moved to Smallville, SMALLville, which should give away everything right there. My blasted family, all fucking billion of them came to visit. My brother is not yet over his wife’s death, my sisters ex-husband is stalking her. We had a blizzard... I almost died. Again. Constant brushes with death, I tell you. Got married to Lionel in Italy... which was just lovely. I can’t be around my stepson’s--who by the by hates me--puppy without turning into a screaming, nervous wreck. My stepson’s lover had a miscarriage just this past week. Oh, and I keep seeing my husbands dead wife."

Elaine just blinked. "Well. that does seem like you have a full plate. Let's work in reverse order here, from the most severe to the least, and tell me when you started having these hallucinations."

Lionel sat forward in the chair, his hand shooting out to grip Dominic's wrist almost painfully. "Dominic, how long have you been seeing my wife and why haven't you told me before?"

"Aye!" Dominic jumped, eyes wide at his lover as he tugged his arm. "Not long, let go, eh? You break it you bought it. And as this is the hand I use on you, I should say you better not--oh, by the way ma'am Elaine, Lionel told me to mention to you that we have sex at least four times a night. He is a Viking, you know." Smug grin that was amused at his lover.

"I said if you felt the need, Dominic!" Lionel let go of his lover as soon as he realized that he was hurting him. "And you didn’t answer my question, Dominic... when did you start seeing Lillian, and why didn't you tell me?"

Elaine sat serenely behind the desk, scribbling quietly in her notebook.

Dominic’s eyes flashed with quiet hurt, shaking his head and looking away, back to the therapist. His usual smile was in place though, and his eyebrow rose as she wrote in her book. "He says if I felt the need, but you know, its one of those things you've got to say."

"Mmm." Elaine made several other thoughtful noises. "Dominic... I am rather interested in knowing the answers to Lionel's questions, especially in light of the fact that you've avoided answering it twice now."

He sighed. "You know, you always were good at that."

"Good at what?"

"Counting how many times I did that."

"It's a gift." She scribbled. "And that's your third evasion."

"Fourth, actually." He got quiet then, looking down at his lap and rubbing his fingers. "I don’t really see her. She's just a presence that’s there, all the time."

"Would you like to talk about that?" She shot her other patient a glare. "Lionel, do please sit back in the chair and control yourself." She made more notations in her notebook.

"I don’t know if I should." Dominic answered, and shot a gaze up at his lover, before across to the woman. "I love him. I have something good with him, and I don’t want to lose that because I overanalyze and over think everything."

Elaine looked at Lionel. "Lionel, is there anything you'd like to say to that?"

"No," he said shortly. "Because if he doesn't believe that I love him without reservation by now, then he never will. Another reassurance of that won't make a difference."

More scribbling in the notebook.

Dominic looked down again, eyebrows furrowing in the center. His lover was mad at him. Fucking hell. He stayed quiet for a minute... silent, as he watched her write. "I know… you love me, Lionel. But I don’t want to alienate you by some thoughtless thing I say, in this subject matter."

"You're not going to alienate me!" Lionel thundered angrily. "What do I have to do to prove that to you?"

Dominic jumped, eyes wide as he looked at him. He looked away in the next instant, head down a little, submissive and quiet, and shook his head, swallowing hard. "Nothing. You don’t have to prove it t...t-to me. This was a mistake, Lionel, you've been agitated since we got out of the car. I know it brings back bad feelings for you...if you want to, we can go."

Lionel pushed himself up out of the chair to pace. "Dominic, we are not leaving. We came here, for you. That is why we are here!! If you're not going to talk in front of me, why did you ask me along!"

"Because I need you here with me. I couldn’t come here alone. The last time I did, I was on my way to commit suicide. I couldn’t walk into this building alone. Why do you think I’ve been so chipper since we left?"

Lionel glared at his lover, and pointed towards the doctor. "Then talk, Dominic."

Dominic looked at him for a moment more, and turned his gaze at the doctor. "I see her, because she lives and thrives in that house. She's there all the time. They talk about her, and they remember her....and I would never, never want to take away that memory from her. Ever. And that’s why I feel so selfish when I’m reminded that I’m the second one. I feel like she could be sleeping in our bed with us, she's that real. But she gave him children, a family, a good life that was cut short. And it feels... like I’m imposing on that. Like I shouldn’t ask him to make a choice. Either of them, my stepson included. Though Lex is another can of worms.  We're married. He's the love of my life. But I’m so inadequate when compared with her. And really, who wouldn’t be? She was an amazing woman. I’ve told you about her before. Beautiful, kind, amazing. If I were in their place Id want her back too."

Elaine took a very long moment, scribbling down nearly four pages of notations from that speech alone. Then she turned to the phone. "Julie? I need you to call and cancel the rest of my appointments this afternoon, and reschedule them for next week." She turned the speaker off, and then looked at Lionel. "Would you like to respond to that, Lionel?"

Lionel nodded, his throat tight. "Dominic--I... you never said you felt that way. You're not... you're not inadequate, and if I've made you feel that way, then I am sorry. Because that thought never crossed my mind. I don't--you're not second to anyone, Dominic. You're not. You never told me!"

"You’ve never made me feel that way, baby." Dominic looked up at him. "Ever. Its just... I have stupid emotions sometimes. I don’t mean to be selfish, because its not about being selfish. But we have...this wonderful life. And sometimes I think about it, and I know that you wish she were still here with you. And like I said, who wouldn’t? She was a lovely woman, and a good friend of mine. Everyone knew she was the light of your life. And its... how can I ever compare to that? What can I ever give you that would be a fraction of what she did? And its not about low self esteem or what have you. I know I’m a damn fine man, even with my problems, so don’t even try that angle, doctor." Dominic gave her a wry look, even as he sat back. His body was tense because he was terrified his marriage was unraveling, even as he watched the kind doctor cancel the rest of her day. Heh.

"I do miss her, Dominic. I won't deny that. You know the things that I have gone through, and why Lillian was so special to me. I loved her with all my heart, and it nearly destroyed me when I lost her." He reached out and took Dominic's hand in his own as he crouched beside the chair. "But now I have you. It's not a contest, Jiminy. It's not a comparison, it's not a contest. You give me the same thing that Lillian gave me, Dominic, and that is love. You make me the kind of man she made me. You are like her in so many ways, and different from her in so many others. Neither of you is better than the other, and I don't love her more than I do you."

Elaine scribbled in her notebook, and paused to change tapes. "I never said it was, Dominic. Where would you get the idea that's what I thought?"

Dominic bit his lower lip, looking down at his lover before him. "I know, Lionel." He looked away, then. He was such a fucking idiot, and he swallowed, thinking that thought over. Idiot. Idiot. Idiot. Bloody moron. "I know you love me. I know it. I’ve never questioned it. I don’t mean to make you angry over that. I know you love me, our rings tell me so. I’ve never questioned or thought you didn’t." And a glance up to the doctor. "Because that’s the way you think. Don’t think I don’t know you, ma'am Elaine."

"I'm not... I'm not angry over that, Dominic. Yes, I'm upset that you didn't tell me this was bothering you so much. I'm upset that you hid the extent of this from me, and I'm upset that you didn't trust me with this. But I'm not angry." He kissed the hands caught between his own large palms. "I'm not."

Elaine continued to scribble. "I don't believe you'd think I'd think that, sir Dominic, unless you thought you'd given me reason to think that." She cracked a small smile.

"Its not about trusting, Lionel. I trusted you when I nearly lost my mind from Clark’s dog, okay? I trust you just about as much as I trust any human being. But this... what, just come up to you and tell you that your talking about your wife bothers me? Yes, because that’s not bloody insensitive as fuck, you know. Even saying it feels horrible. I shouldn’t feel like this, I know. And its not that I want you to stop talking about her, and see? Its going to be a sore point every time we speak, and I didn’t want that." Dominic heaved a very heavy sigh that was a little shaky, and gazed up at the therapist. "As for that, its a little about self esteem. Tiny bit, you know."

Elaine spoke again before Lionel could. "Why do you think it's going to be a sore point every time you talk to your husband?" To her credit, she didn't blink an eye as she said it.

"Because. Its the way my mother raised me. Its called The Guilty Irishman. Pride, integrity, that sort of thing. Tis why I’m constantly apologizing."

Elaine scribbled again. "And you don't think your lover is forgiving enough to understand that you have problems with the constant comparisons?" She looked up at Lionel. "You compared the two of them three times so far that I've heard today. Just so you know."

"He is. Very much so, ma'am Elaine." Dominic nodded it. "He loves and takes care of me. I know he would be forgiving. But I don’t want to seem like such a bleeding heart about this, you know? I always come off as being too sensitive, and its not like that. I’m just an arse."

"He loves you and takes care of you, and you don't want to upset him? Why is that, Dominic?"

Lionel's mouth was still working soundlessly, trying to register everything, but he knew better than to interrupt the doctor.

"I don’t like problems." Slight shake of his head. "They make me sick. I only muck them all to hell."

"You're avoiding my question, Dominic," Elaine said quietly. "Why are you afraid that you'll upset Lionel?"

"Because I don’t want him to leave. Even though I know he won't, people who love me always leave. Its the way of things. That, or it'll be like before, when I just worked for him."

"Hmm. Remembering that what you tell me stays in the confidence of patient and therapist, would you like to elaborate the details of that?"

"What do you mean? Tell you why people leave me? You know the answer to that already, doctor." He shifted in his seat, but stayed quiet, looking at his hands silently.

"Perhaps, but I'd like you to tell me again, and perhaps you'd like to tell Lionel."

"He knows, already. I told him, soon after we began to get intimate with one another. People leave me because they can't handle my problems, or they can't handle what happened to me. One or the other. Or they leave because they die, or they leave because they find someone better. Blah blah, abandonment issue cakes."

Elaine switched the tapes in her machine carefully, marked the first one with the date and number one, and then looked back at Dominic. "How long have you been with Lionel now?"

"Now that’s a bit of a question. From what standpoint, doctor?"

"From whichever one you think of."

"Well, I’ve worked for him for sixteen years. I’ve been intimate with him for about eight. I’ve been dating him for about six months... and we got married about two weeks ago."

Elaine scribbled all that down as well. "All right, and you just told me that you shared your problems with him about the time you became closely intimate, so I am assuming it was about six months?"

"Yep, about that."

Dominic glanced up from his hands, to his lover...across at the doctor, and back to Lionel, before he offered his hand to him in apology and need to be close.

Elaine turned to Lionel. "And Lionel... what was your reaction, when Dominic told you?"

"Anger... rage," he admitted truthfully. "Saddened, because it happened to him, helpless, because there was nothing I could do to make it better for him." He wrapped his hands around Dominic's and held it tightly, even moved his chair closer to his lover's.

Elaine turned back to Dominic after making her notes. "Dominic... what was Lionel's reaction when you told him?"

Oh. That was so good. Dominic pushed a little closer to, fingers linking through Lionel’s and squeezing hard. "Angry. Very angry... vengeful. He wanted to hurt them for hurting me, though it was too late for it. He broke a mirror, as I recall... glass was everywhere."

Lionel nodded. "I did. I was quite frustrated, and I threw the glass I was drinking from through the mirror in the living room," he confessed quietly.

"Mmm.... I see. Dominic... were there any other reactions he had, that haven't already been noted?"

He couldn’t tell her what Lionel had done… he didn’t want her to press charges against his lover. But the need to tell her was hard, and he gazed at his love for permission, or lack thereof.

Lionel nodded. "She already knows quite a few things, Dominic. She's prevented from sharing anything told to her in session with anyone."

A nod at him, squeezing hard, and he gazed at the woman again. "Lawrence... he... he had him hurt. I don’t really know if... anything else, but... the man who did it sent the pictures Lawrence had in his apartment."

"I had my men to do Lawrence the same things that had been done to Dominic; along with the photographs of Dominic, which I have since destroyed, they sent me the photographs of Lawrence. I neither know nor care where the body is buried."

"You must think me a horrible person." Dominic told the woman quietly. "But... I couldn’t stop it, because I didn’t want it stopped. It weighs on my heart from time to time." Admitted softly.

"Actually, I think it's probably the healthiest thing you could have done," she said bluntly. "Not that I agree with it, but as far as physical aggression therapy goes, you can't beat it." She tapped her pen against her teeth, deciding how to phrase her next question. "Who, aside from his former wife, do you think is better than you for Lionel?"

Dominic blinked at her… and fierce possessiveness flowed in his heart, his mind. "No one. I can, have, and will give him everything. No one else is better."

"Then if this man has killed for you, and there is no one better... why are you afraid that he is going to leave you?"

"Because he's going to die, and leave me." Dominic said softly. "I almost had to. Because of my stupidity, he was in a car crash. He almost died... a lady doctor friend of ours was on call. He died, but she brought him back. Not all doctors could have, but she did."

Elaine folded her hands on the desk. "Everybody will die some day, Dominic. But did you realize that today's average life expectancy passes well into the nineties?"

"I don’t care."

"So you'd rather spoil the time you do have worrying about the time you don't have together."

"No. Its… no. I’ve been trying." Dominic bit his lip, tightly. "I told Lindy. It helped, it helps even now. But I’m trying. That’s why we're here."

"Dominic... that's what you are doing. You've just told me that you live in fear of him leaving you, and yet we've just proven that there's no way he will. Don't fixate on death. That's the worst thing that you can do. Look at Lionel, right now. He's warm, he's flesh, and he's here. Are you going to waste this moment, this instant where he's holding your hand, by thinking of all the moments he's not? Or are you going to squeeze his hand back tightly and accept that he loves you, you love him, and you have time together now?"

"I know. I know it. " Dominic nodded, tightly, looking down and away again. "No one has ever loved me like this. No one has ever accepted everything I am so completely, without looking twice. I’m scared to lose him, and everything goes back to the way it was before."

Elaine nodded. "I can understand that fear, Dominic. But can you see that that fear is also something that cause a rift between you? If you're constantly afraid, never looking to enjoy the time you have together... then what is the point of the relationship?"

"I know." He was so sorry he was this way. "I know. The things you’re saying are things I’ve said to myself, over and over and over."

"So our task is going to be to find out why you have this fear and don't seem to be able to get over it." She looked him in the eye. "Unless you already know why that is, and would like to share that with us."

"I don’t." Dominic answered quietly. He had his lover around one hand, the other palm laying in his lap. His muscles were tensed up, his body stiff, and he gazed at the woman quietly. "I should admit I feel selfish."

"You shouldn't admit anything that you don't feel, Dominic," Elaine said softly.

"I do. I feel selfish. This horrible thing happened this week, and coming to see you… it was the worst possible course of action." Dominic nodded tightly. The gray sky, clouding over, fell in from the large windows, and Dominic did something he'd always done in her office. He kicked his shoes off and tugged his legs up under him. It was obvious how skinny he was when he could pull up Indian style in the small chair, and he let go of Lionel’s hand to run his fingers through his hair. "I’m sick of this, ma'am Elaine. I’m sick of feeling like I’m not in control of my life. I don’t want medication, I don’t want to deal with this in a haze of drugs like before. They just made it worse. But I want..." He leaned forward in frustration. "I want to have my life."

Lionel stroked his lover's tense thigh. "Dominic... do you want me to leave? So you can talk to Dr. Nacheyez in private, and not worry about upsetting me?"

He shook his head, fiercely. "No. I meant what I said, Lionel." He turned his gaze on his lover. "You are the most stable, strong, beautiful part of my life. And if you’re comfortable... I'd like you to be here. If not.." A shake of his head. "I understand, so much."

Elaine forewent her usual scribbling to lean forward across the desk. "If you think coming to see me was the wrong course of action, then I won't stop you from leaving. Because I can't help you unless you want to be here, and you want to let go of these things instead of holding them inside you to deal with later, alone." She rubbed her hands together. "But if you want help? Then tell me why you can't let go of this fear of being abandoned."

Lionel moved to stand behind his lover, warm hands spreading over his shoulders, and it wasn't until that moment, seeing Dominic so scrunched up in the chair and feeling the thin bones under his palms that he realized how thin and run down his lover was. And he felt, in that instant, incredibly guilty.

Dominic gazed at the doctor for a long moment. "It was wrong because of what happened this week. But being here, talking to you, is not wrong. Its never been wrong. You're my guardian angel, ma'am Elaine, you know that." Dominic felt his lovers hands on him and gazed upwards, cupping the palms on his shoulders and squeezing, tightly. "I can't let the fear go, because of what happened. I wish... I wish I hadn’t been an idiot, I wish Id let someone help me after it happened. But I didn’t, and I thought I could deal with it myself. And I couldn’t. There was no way I could do it alone, but I was a bloody idiot. Ma'am Elaine, let me ask you something."

"Of course, you know you can," Elaine nodded.

"God forbid it, but if you were gang raped, wouldn’t you feel like no one could be near you? Wouldn’t you be scared of being abandoned, when someone finally cared? I try to ignore it, stop thinking about it, but things like what happened with my stepson’s puppy happened. Or the week before that, when Lionel and I were intimate and I freaked the fuck out over some hooks he had in the ceiling. Okay? Who does that?"

Elaine looked him straight in the eye. "I'd be afraid that no one else would ever want to touch me, ever again, because of the things that happened to me. I'd be terrified when I did find someone who wanted to touch me, because I'd know that I'd never be able to see anything except what was done to me, for the rest of my life. But I also know that I would do my best to let that go, because I did find someone and I wouldn't want to jeopardize that."

"And that’s why I’m here." Dominic nodded at the woman. "That’s it. I don’t want to jeopardize that. That’s why I made an appointment with you, and that’s why Lionel is here with me."

"Then you have to let go of that fear, Dominic. Do you think you can?"

"I’ve found that as time goes on, it gets easier. I don’t feel like I have to be submissive to everyone around me. I can talk, and words come out, and they’re stupid most of the time but they’re there. Its an achievement. Okay. I don’t submit to anyone but Lionel. And the outcome is usually very pleasurable." Dominic deadpanned, eyebrow lifting.

"Yes, it is an achievement. But we're not here to make achievements, Dom. We're here to make breakthroughs." She turned her gaze to Lionel, and didn't say a word, though her own eyebrow elevated to her hairline.

Lionel blushed underneath his beard and his eyes dropped.

"Lionel, I'd like to ask you a question, but, I want Dominic to answer me." She looked at both men in front of her. "Do you ever submit yourself to Dominic's control, or is all one-sided?"

"Ah. And isn’t that the conundrum of all time? Its both ways." Dominic nodded. "I’m shy to ask, but when I do, the answer is always yes. There’s intimate details I won’t share with you, but since the first time its always been two sided. We never just... one side, like Ethan was with me."

"You can share the details, Dominic. If you think they'll help." He tightened his grip on Dominic's shoulders, rubbing them gently as he looked down.

He grinned again though, because when he glanced up and saw the pink lighting his lovers face, he squeezed his hand and pulled him gently. "Come sit next to me baby. Oh, and don’t forget, now that I thought of it, we can’t forget the laptops again." A glance at the doctor. "I was his first. Ever. Our relationship, the one here today, started in his penthouse. A very nice weekend, an he let me give him... the gift of it. It was beautiful, and ever since then, its been two sided. When I’m too shy to ask him, he... Asks me to be inside of him. And that, is a very, very nice feeling. I just get so happy."

Lionel moved back around to sit beside Dominic, but didn't move far from his lover's side. "It makes me happy too, Doctor. I ask him because I love him, and I need him to be... a part of me. I... it's not easy for me to love. It's less easy for me to express that, and it's in this way that I can give him this gift, this proof of how I feel about him."

"I see," Elaine said, after a lengthy bout of scribbling. "Dominic, how do you feel about that?"

Dominic turned his green eyes towards him and squeezed Lionel’s hand, tightly. Christ, he loved this man. He loved him so very, very much. He'd heard it before, but every time Lionel said it, it just made Dominic love him more. He turned and blinked at her, as if shocked she'd said something, because yeah. Love? Swimming in it? Uh huh.

He hoped his grin wasn’t an idiot grin. "You can imagine. Thrilling is a good word."

Elaine smiled. "That's good. At least you don't seem to have interpersonal communication problems. The issues you have seem to be self-contained within yourselves and how you deal with them, so as long as these lines of communication stay open, you shouldn't have a problem." She adjusted her glasses. "Dominic, do not get protective when I ask my next question, all right?"

"Christ but I hate when you begin questions like that." But he smiled again, nodded, shifting in the chair and bringing Lionel’s fingers into his lap. "Go ahead."

Elaine turned her gaze on Lionel. "You do realize your wife is dead, don't you?"

Dominic’s eyes widened, and he turned to look at his lover, before again at the doctor, straightening just a little.

Lionel blinked, and tightened his fingers around Dominic's as they rested in his lap. "Yes, Doctor. I am aware that Lillian is dead."

"And are you also aware that you speak of her in the present tense, as though she is here?"

"I most certainly do not," Lionel protested.

Elaine turned her gaze to Dominic.

A soft squeeze, fingers linked on his thigh as he looked at the doctor, listening quietly as she spoke. Yes, he did. But Dominic didn’t say anything, looking down at their hands.

"Dominic... do you have anything you'd like to say?"

He refused to say it. He would not take away the comfort Lionel took in sharing the memory of his dead wife. He refused to make Lionel uncomfortable over it. "I.."

"Are you afraid of him, Dominic?"

"No." Dominic looked up. "No, I’m not. I’m not afraid of my husband."

"Then why won't you say anything?"

"Because its the only thing he has left of her. He only has her memory. No one should feel the need to take it away." Dominic said softly, mentally retreating as his muscles tensed again. "Its not right. He's been through so much pain, and more of it isn't deserved."

"Dominic?" Lionel asked softly, feeling the stiffening.

He shook his head at his lover. "Its not right. He had his wife die, his son die, Lex go through the mutation after the meteors. The drinking, the depression. Why, on Gods green earth, would I take the good memories of her away from him?"

"I just need to get over it." Dominic nodded, hard. "Its what I need to do. Accept it and move on."

"Dominic." Lionel's tone was a little more severe than it usually was. "What are you trying to say?"

"What?" he turned to gaze at his lover. "What am I trying to say? I wasn’t, there wasn’t a hidden meaning. I just don’t want you to feel sad anymore. You're a good soul, you don’t deserve any more pain. It makes me ache for you when you look at me with the weight of the world on your shoulders."

"Do..." Lionel bit down harshly on the inside of his cheek for a quick moment. "Do I belittle you when you hear me talk about her? I... wasn't aware that I spoke of her in the present tense, and if that is the case, then... why didn't you tell me?"

Dominic didn’t answer for a moment, looking at their hands, his back hunched.

"Answer me, Jiminy. Please."

He traced his fingertip over Lionel’s thumb nail silently. "I didn’t... I didn’t tell you, because you have given up, and changed your life, so much for me. You've accepted everything I am… even my crazy family, with open arms. Opened your home to them, even when they won’t leave. You loved me after everything with Jonathan, you loved me even when I was an ass. You loved me when you hit that barrier and you were in a coma. You loved me, Lionel. And I won't do anything to hurt or mar it. Not anything. I love you, so very, very much. I don’t think I could live without you. No one… has loved me so completely. And...I should have told you. I should have. I’m sorry."

Lionel tugged his hands away, but only enough to gently cup Dominic's face. "If I don't make you happy, then it hurts me." Lionel said it simply, because he didn't know how else to express it. "And if I'm happy when you're not, then it's empty. Please... tell me. Tell me what I'm doing to hurt you, and I give you my word, it will cease."

"I just feel, l-like.." Dominic cupped his hands over Lionel’s, fingertips pressing into Lionel’s hands. "Like you might be happier, if... if she was here. You wouldn’t have to deal with me, because she was such a beautiful, complete, whole woman. You would be happier, and m... maybe you wish she was still here. Not all the time." He said it quickly, fiercely. "I don’t feel like that all the time. I am loved by you, and I love you in return. You are my husband. I just… I’m scared sometimes."

Lionel shook his head. "No. I don't. Not seriously, anyway. There are times I do. For Lex's sake, because he misses her so. Because she could be of so much more help for him than I could be, especially now. But no. I would not trade you for her. I would not. Not for her memory, not for her flesh and blood. She is gone, she is my past, and you, Dominic, you are my present and my future."

Hearing it was a shock. Not in this whole time, not since he'd known this man had he felt such utter, complete... goodness. Relief, love, guilt for this coming out, and his chin trembled as he gazed into his lovers eyes, chewing on the inside of his cheek. "I’m sorry I made it all come up." He whispered, devotion in his eyes as he stroked his fingers over Lionel’s face, his hair, his skin, thumbs tracing his cheekbones as he cupped his face. "I love you. I love you so much."

"I'm not sorry," Lionel said roughly. "I'm not sorry at all. I want you to be happy with me, and if you can't be, then I want to make it so you can be." He kissed Dominic softly, gentle touch of lips to lips as his arms wrapped around his lover's shoulders.

"I am. I’m so happy." Dominic kissed back, softly, closing his eyes to keep the emotions from coming out in front of the doctor, kissing softly as his fingers tightened in his hair. He used it as a handhold, to drag him in for a tight embrace. "You make my life livable. You make getting up in the morning a joy, because I get to see you smile and roll your eyes about and take a shower. I get to watch you eat, and sneeze, and rub your neck because I put a mark there. I get to touch you. You're mine. No one else’s. And I get jealous. My things are mine, dammit."

Elaine cleared her throat softly.

Dominic started and looked up, swallowing and letting go of the fierce embrace he had on his lover.

And blushed. Hotly. "S...sorry."

"It's quite all right, I just thought you'd appreciate an interruption before I saw something inappropriate." She smiled softly, and clicked her tape recorder back on. "Now... do you feel any better, Dominic?"

Dominic’s fingers were tight around his lover, and his possessive am was around his lovers waist. He looked at his lover, trying to read him, and swallowed. "I feel better. I just don’t want Lionel to feel I don’t love him, appreciate him, care for him in everything I am. Because I feel so much better knowing... knowing this. I know he loves me… but now I can tell him he's mine and no one else’s and damned if anything will ever come between us again."

Lionel relaxed slightly as he heard it. "Dominic... I don't ever feel that you don't love me. I truly don't. I just... I do want you to feel like you can talk to me, tell me things. When you're not comfortable."

"I do. I always do, Lionel." Dominic said softly, carefully. "I’m just a proud man. I don’t mean to be, but I am regardless. I don’t like taking help, and I’m not used to looking to anyone else for help."

"I understand the pride, Dominic. Believe me, if anyone understands pride, it's me." He squeezed his lover's hands gently. "But I want you to look to me. I enjoy protecting you."

"You’re not upset with me?" Dominic asked softly, rubbing his lovers palm between both of his own.

"No, I'm not." He looked at his lover. "I'm not upset at all."

"You are mine. You understand that, right?" Dominic asked softly. "Mine, and no one else’s. I don’t like sharing." He murmured, rubbing his lovers palm with his lips. "Jonathans face, proof of that."

"I understand that, Dominic." He closed his eyes, and gave a small smile. "You love me, and I love you.... I belong to you."

"Good." He smiled back, beaming at him, and squeezed his fingers around Lionel’s palm before gazing at the therapist. "Thank you, Ma'am Elaine."

"You're welcome, Sir Dominic." She tapped her notes on the desk. "Do you want to work any longer today, or would you rather wait for the next session?"

"I saw you taking notes up the wazoo." Dominic wasn’t quite ready to go home yet. "You can ask something about what those notes were about."

Elaine cracked a grin at that. "I have quite a few questions, for the both of you, in fact, but they'll be answered in the course of your therapy sessions."

"You know, I’m going to have a way to find my stepson to come to you." Dominic said, smiling again. "You're wonderful, Elaine." His fingers flexed, tightly, around his lovers. "And I had no idea you and Lionel knew one another."

Elaine nodded. "Lionel came to me many years ago when he was having his own difficulties, and, not surprisingly, he left in the middle of the prescribed course of treatment."

"Of course he did." A snort, and Dominic pulled one leg up higher to his chest, shifting so he was facing his lover in the small chair more. "He's prouder then me." But the love was in his eyes. "My lovely one and I are more alike then either of us will ever admit."

Elaine smiled. "Yes, I can see that." She looked through her notes. "Would you like to tell me about your stepson? You've mentioned him several times, and I can give him a call, if you'd like."

"Lex? He'd kill me, first. He's... he's as proud as his papa is. Just doesn’t appreciate the value of McDonalds French fries, you know what I mean?" A sigh.

"I know what you mean, sadly. But I can give him a call, if you think he needs to speak to someone." She gave him a card. "Have him give me a call." Then she eyed her patients again. "Dominic, do you have anything you'd like to ask Lionel about?" There was something about the crinkle in Dominic's eye and the tucking of one leg up that made her curious.

"Aye, there's nothin'." Dominic looked down at their hands… then up, quietly and almost shyly. "I just want him to know how much I love him. How proud I am of him."

"Yes, there's nothing?" she asked softly. "Yes, there is something, or no, there's nothing?" The confusion pointed towards yes.

Dominic shook his head. "I’m trying to find a way to get him to come eat taco's with me."

"But?" she prodded gently.

"But? He's stubborn." Dominic turned and snickered at his lover. "So now he's going to take me to dinner. I already lay down the ground rules."

"Which I have promised to abide by," Lionel added.

His lover was quiet. Dominic squeezed his hand, gazing at him. "I’m worried about him, doctor. This week has been trying. I’m worried about him, for him. This week...has been very hard." Dominic added, quietly. "He has a lot of stress right now."

Lionel didn't say anything to that, but he nodded, and pressed a kiss to the back of Dominic's hand."

"Well, since Lionel doesn't seem to want to talk to us, why don't you tell us why you're worried about him."

"Because what happened this week was very... very hard. I can't really talk about it with you, doctor, I’m sorry. Its just been difficult as hell. And with Lionel... I have a worry gene that overpowers my senses. You know that. Lets just say its on overdrive."

Elaine studied him. "Dominic, I can't help you, if you don't give me all the details possible. Handing me a sketchy situation will do far more harm than good. I am guessing that you are referring to your stepson and his... girlfriend's? wife's? miscarriage."

"Yes." He jumped, immediately. "That’s it." He was almost relieved, and kept it quiet as he folded his legs Indian style again, feet tucked in as he looked at her. "His girlfriend. She had a miscarriage at the house...I think it hurt my lovely. It made him th..." He looked at Lionel, asking with his eyes for his lover to talk to someone willing to help.

"It made him think of the loss of his own child, and the series of problems and traumas that went along with it, including the later death of his wife."

Lionel nodded. "In a nutshell."

Dominic nodded quietly. "Yes, ma'am Elaine. That’s just about it."

Elaine looked over at Lionel. "Would you like to talk about it?"

Lionel looked from Dominic to the therapist. "All right, though I don't know what good it's going to do." He sighed. "Watching my son cradle his dying child in his arms nearly ripped the heart out of me. The baby was... miscarried at home, because there was no time for a hospital or medical facility of any sort, and seeing him hold the baby, perfectly formed except for one little thing that killed him... it brought back far more pain than anything else I could ever have conceived of. Not merely my own pain, but the pain of knowing that my son, the only surviving child borne of my body, was going through the worst possible pain, and I could do nothing to stop it. I felt angry, I felt helpless, and I wanted to do nothing but deny the event had happened. Seeing Lex, drenched in blood and holding a dead baby in his arms is a sight that I will never, ever forget, nor will I forgive it. I will not forgive a universe who would do that to such innocent children."

Dominic’s face went blank, quiet, as the memory slammed home. Fresh and new, and is fingers vised around his lovers, his limbs pulling in to tightly hold himself close as he could.

Clark bleeding out, dying on the floor of the shower. Lex sobbing, screaming, holding a tiny, tiny body in his hand.

"You see why, ma'am Elaine, I said our appointment was a bit of bad timing?"

"I don't think it was bad timing at all, Dominic," she said softly. "I think it was perfect timing." She looked over at Lionel. "You seem intent on punishing yourself for not being able to spare your son the same pain that you went through, is that right?"

Lionel glared. "He is my son, doctor. Despite the fact that we have not gotten along in the past, I don't wish him harm, and I would never wish on him this devastation."

Elaine nodded. "And I understand that, Lionel. But what you have to realize is that you cannot control everything. I understand that you have control issues, and we will be dealing with those one on one a little later, but what you have to realize now, before you leave this office, is that you cannot control everything. You're not God, no matter what other people might say to you. You're just... a man. A great man, yes, Lionel Luthor, but you are not God. You cannot choose who lives and who dies, and you cannot spare those you love pain. That is simply the way of life. Forgive me for being brutal, but someone should be."

Lionel looked at her. "I realize that, doctor. I would not want to be God. I merely want to protect my son and my lover. That does not give me Messianic complexes."

Oh. Dominic offered his support, squeezing his lovers fingers tightly, massaging the suddenly cool skin in his hands, and swallowed, listening quietly. "I think..." A little gaze up. "I think he's got abandonment stuff, too. That if he fails to take care of his family... they'll leave." He turned his gaze to Lionel. "I know it scares you, baby. But I’m not going anywhere."

"It does when you decide what should or should not happen." Elaine folded her glasses and put them down on the desktop. "Lionel, if you could have prevented your son's death, would you have?"

"Of course."

"And your wife's death?"

"Of course I would have, Doctor."

"Then why didn't you?"

"Because, Doctor... there was nothing that I could do."

"And what, exactly, makes this situation any different?"

"Because it is my son suffering, not myself. I can bear it; I have borne it before and would gladly bear it again, if it meant that Lex didn't have to suffer." He swallowed hard, and he looked at Dominic. "You're right. I do know that I will lose my family if I do not take care of them. I lost my wife, and I lost my son. I've nearly lost Lex, and his... mate, and I've lost my grandchild." He swallowed hard. "I nearly lost you."

"Baby, you'll never lose me." Dominic pulled Lionel’s hand to his chest, massaging softly. "Ever. As fearful as I am over everything, I won’t leave you. I’m not going anywhere. You're my husband now, and I'll do everything I can to ensure we stay together. I don’t want any more pain for you, beloved."

Elaine shook her head. What a pair these two made. Thank God they'd found each other, because God Himself only knew what they'd have done to other mates. "Lionel, I am going to ask you to do something that I know you've likely never done before. And that is to relinquish responsibility for this incident. It's not yours. It doesn't belong to you, and there was nothing you could have done to stop it."

"Ma'am Elaine, trying to ask him to relinquish responsibility is like trying to get Bush to pronounce something correctly at least once in any given speech. Its just not possible. Tis what makes him the man he is. Even if everyone around him tells him its not his fault. It was no ones fault."

Lionel spread his fingers wide, feeling the beating heart and warm skin under his head. "Doctor... I can't do that. Asking me to relinquish my responsibility to my son is like asking me not to breathe."

Elaine snickered at Dominic's joke, and quickly sobered as she looked over at Lionel. "I didn't ask you to stop being responsible for your son, Lionel. Only for the situation. because despite the fact it happened to Lex, it wasn't caused by you. Therefore, you have no responsibility for it, and I want you to relinquish it."

Dominic nodded, softly, gazing at his lover and gently reaching over to stroke his cheek. "You didn’t cause this. You didn’t cause Julian’s death, either, Lionel. These babies were taken away because it as their time to... and like what I told Lex. The time you had with Julian was a precious gift. The time Lex had with--...with Richard, was a precious gift. But its not your fault. Its not, baby."

"You're asking me to not care that Lex is suffering," Lionel said quietly.

Elaine shook her head. "No, Lionel. I'm asking that you stop shouldering Lex's pain for him. Let him be the adult you've raised him to be. And let him come to you for help when he needs it."

Dominic nodded, stroking Lionel’s cheek softly. "Lex...Lex is a very good boy. You did well by him, for all the bad blood between the both of you. He came out right well, chose the right partner, and has made you proud. Let him make you proud now, Lionel. As ma'am Elaine said, let him be the adult you raised him to be. He's a good lad, you know. Strong head on his shoulders. He'll make it through this." Dominic blinked, and looked at Elaine. "Why am I speaking? I’m more fucked up then he is. Remind me in the future to keep my mouth shut."

"You're actually saying just what I would say," Elaine pointed out. And why would you think that you're more messed up than Lionel is, and why would you that Lionel and I wouldn't want to hear you speak?"

Ahhh. A waggled finger at her. "You're a very sneaky individual, ma'am Elaine."

A bland face looked back at him. "Why would you say that?"

"Because! See? You’re doing it again!"

"What am I doing again, Dominic? And, don't think I haven't noticed you've avoided both my questions."

Snort. "I am fucked up. However, I embrace it for it is me. And I say you're sneaky because you are veeery sneaky. You turn words around into questions better then anyone I’ve ever met."

"Well, that is my job, after all. To ask the right questions. And, you never answered why you think that Lionel and I wouldn't care about your opinions."

"The way I was raised. One should never interrupt during these types of things. Its not the way of it, I’m afraid." Dominic nodded.

"Then you're going to suck during the rest of our group therapy sessions," Elaine observed.

Dominic burst out laughing. Couldn’t help it, eyes wide. "Did you just tell me I’m going to suck?"

"Yes, I did," she said, without batting an eye.

"You know, ma'am Elaine, that was not a very nice thing to say." A tsk, as he glanced at his lover, trying to get him to smile. "If you weren’t such a classy dame Id make some truly horrid, bluntly male remarks right about now."

"Don't let my sex stop you, Dominic. That's what a therapist is here for, to encourage free exchange of ideas and emotions, despite the fact that I'm a woman." She put her glasses back on, and blinked once.

"I think what Dominic is so classily trying to say is that you might not want to hear about him sucking my cock," Lionel answered bluntly.

A raised brow, and Dominic quieted. "Aye. So, that be it then? I'll make another few appointments for next week."

Elaine nodded. "Yes. I'll have two sessions a week scheduled, and I'll block out the entire afternoon for you, just as I did today. Will that be convenient for you?"

"That’s fine, if its good for Lionel." Dominic glanced at him. "We've got work to do in the city, and it should be easy to come in."

Lionel nodded. "That will be quite convenient, Doctor. Simply call my office and leave the time with my secretary, and we'll build our schedules around it."

Dominic leaned over and easily slipped his feet back into his shoes, tying each quickly as he rose and offered her his hand. "Thank you, ma'am. Its been a pleasure seeing you again."

"It's been quite the pleasure seeing you again, Dominic." She looked at Lionel. "Dominic... would you excuse us for just a moment?"

"I will, aye." Dominic grabbed his coat and pulled it on, looping the scarf around his neck. "I want to ask Janie about Ricky, anyway." He squeezed his lovers hand. "See you in a moment, love."

Elaine waited for Dominic to leave the room, and she pulled a prescription pad over. She paused a second, and then quickly scrawled one out. "Here. I want you on this, Mr. Luthor. It's the lowest possible dosage, because I don't think you need anything stronger, yet."

Lionel accepted the prescription and looked closely at it. "You want to put me back on Effexor?"

"I do. Just until this... episode is resolved. Not as a permanent measure."

"I'll consider it." Lionel tucked the prescription into his jacket pocket. "Good day, Doctor." He picked up his jacket from the rack, and shrugged into it.

"Lionel... I can't force you into taking it. I can only suggest it," she called after him. "But it will help."

Lionel didn't answer as he rejoined Dominic in the hall. "There we are. Shall we go?" he asked his lover, tucking his scarf in as he buttoned up his jacket.

"Ah, yes." Dominic glanced up and slipped his fingers into his lovers, linking their fingers as he tucked his scarf around his neck. "See you, Janie, give Ricky a kiss from me." Waved hand before Dominic burrowed into his coat, and walked with his lover out of the office.

Lionel tightened his fingers around Dominic's. "Did it help?" he asked softly.

He thought for a moment, as they stepped back into the elevator at the end of the hall. "A little." He swallowed, gazed at his feet, and then to his lover. "I’m sorry."

"No, Dominic, no. Don't be sorry. If it helped, I am glad of it. And I will continue to go with you as long as it helps you, even a little."

"I hurt your feelings."

"No, you didn't." Lionel brought their twined fingers to his mouth. "You didn't hurt my feelings."

Their interlocked fingers pressed together...aged hands, one calloused and old, the other scarred and young, and...it fit. Dominic squeezed softly, locking their fingers together as tightly as he could. "I will tell you, from now on, everything that bothers me. I swear it."

"And I swear to you that I'll listen." He tightened the grip. "That I will no longer belittle you, or compare you to Lillian. And if I do it, tell me to stop."

"You don’t, Lionel." Dominic shook his head. "You don’t belittle me in any way, my love. I just…" The whir of the elevator had him gripping harder, and his voice stopping a minute as he caught his breath, waiting until they landed on solid ground once more. "I didn’t want..." He didn’t know how to put his emotions into words, and heaved a soft sigh. "I can’t explain it. turn the tables, and think for a minute if I were older then you, and had a relationship prior to ours. A wife, who I loved, but she died. And I loved her, very much. I try to keep her alive in my heart, my son and myself. And I found you, ten years later. We have a wonderful relationship, we get married. But in little ways, I always remind myself of how much I loved this woman. And speak of her, as its my right to. Do you understand a little of what it feels like?"

Lionel nodded. "I understand what you're saying, Dominic. I just didn't realize what I was doing. It's not an excuse, it's simply... the truth." He pulled Dominic against him. "I don't mean to make you feel second best."

"I know. I was never angry at you for it...I never expected it to come out today." Dominic pressed close. "I just don’t want you to be upset at me. There’s so much that’s happened this week, beloved, and I don’t want you to have more on your mind."

"I'm not upset at you. At all." He stroked Dominic's shoulder, then his cheek. "I'm not."

"Will you come home with me, to my apartment? Veg out for a while...watch some TV? We can rest before we go out tonight."

Lionel paused for a moment, fingering the paper in his pocket. "Of course I will." He chose, in that moment, to not fill the prescription. He didn't want his lover to worry about him.

Except Dominic wasn’t an idiot, and he glanced up, green eyes sharpening as one eyebrow rose and his fingers traced Lionel’s arm, slipping into his pocket too. The piece of paper sat between his lovers palm and the outside of his pocket, and with sneaky little fingers Dominic extracted it, lifting it up between the first and middle fingers and gazing at him expectantly.

"It's nothing."

"Liar." Dominic opened it… glanced over it once, before he closed it, and slipped it into the front pocket of his lovers shirt, making sure it was tucked close against his nipple ring. "We'll stop by Walgreen’s."

Lionel pulled the prescription out of his shirt pocket and tucked it back in his jacket. "No, we won't."

It was his lovers choice. Dominic could do nothing about it. So he just nodded and rubbed his hand through his hair. "Lets pick up something to eat on the way home. What do you feel like baby? We can even stop and rent a video, too. Something fun, I’d wager."

"I want... something bloody. Steak. Prime rib, actually, broiled in it's own juices. A video sounds perfect; you can choose whatever you like. I trust your decision-making skills."

Dominic blinked. Turned and gazed up at him with a slightly green shade to his face, and made a face at him in total disgust, with a shudder as they stepped out of the lobby and into the cold street. "Lionel, I adore you. But ew."

A small smile crossed Lionel's face. "You asked."

Dominic offered another small grin himself and pulled out his cell phone, where it had been tucked on vibrate in his coat pocket. "Shite. Toni called...remind me to check my messages later. She's probably calling to bitch about the four dozen roses you sent." A light smile as he speed dialed (and yes, wasn’t that just the shame of it?) Sandine’s, pressing the classy little phone to his ear.

"She will survive being the victim of a floral attack," Lionel pointed out.

"Sandine's, may I help you?"

"Yes, hi. I'd like to order a plate to be picked up, please?" Dominic said, as he tucked his fingers into Lionel’s back pocket without thinking, snuggling close in the freezing air.

"Of course; what may I get you tonight?" The girl on the other end of the phone leaned her hip against the counter, pencil poised to take the order from the sexy voiced man.

"Thank you, yes. Ah..." Dominic moved the mouthpiece, made a FACE at his lover, and back again. "Prime rib, please. A side of potatoes of some sort...ah...give me them mashed, please, plus whatever else comes with the dish."

"Mmm... and how would you like that cooked, sir? The platter comes with potatoes prepared your way, a skewer of grilled vegetables, the house au jus sauce, and a half loaf of garlic grilled toast."

"That’s fine. And… I’d..." Oh god. He was breaking one of his lifetime rules. Oh, FUCK. "Bloody. Ah...as my friend pointed out, grilled enough just to kill it. He wants it just butchered. Disgusting it is, but that’s how he wants it.

"Yes, sir. Bloodily rare prime rib platter. May I have your phone number, please, sir?" So what if she could get fired for calling him after hours? That voice? So worth it.

Dominic. Just. Grinned. Like a true male idiot, and he let go of Lionel’s hand to blow on his nails and shine them on his shirt pocket. "I’m sorry darling, I’m quite taken as it were."

Her voice was crestfallen when she replied. "Oh. The platter should be ready in fifteen minutes; what's your name, please, sir?"

"Senatori. Dominic Senatori." He replied, tucking his hand back into Lionel’s back pocket as they walked across the parking lot towards the car. "Thank you darling, we'll be over in just a bit." And because he felt bad.. "Sweetie, if it helps, I’m gay, you know."

She perked back up, but only a little. "I could change your mind, maybe?"

He gave a laugh. "I doubt it, though thank you for offering." He pulled himself free of his lover again and beeped the car open, moving the phone from his mouth as he spoke. "There we are, lovely." Then into the phone. "We'll be there in a bit, thank you love. Bye, now."

"Goodbye, sir, and thank you for calling Sandine's."

Lionel was scowling at his lover. "It's the accent, isn't it?"

Dominic. Cracked. Up. He slipped into the car laughing, pulling the engine on and turning the heat up as high as it would go. "What have I told you about American women and Irish accents, love?"

"They're fools over it. What, by the way, are you having? You didn't order anything for yourself."

"Bout to. Come now, put your seat belt on and we'll be off." Dominic opened his phone again as he revved the gas, getting the heat going as he shivered, and pushed number 1 on his speed dial. "Hello, hi?"

"Hi! Dom, been a while! How are you, hijo?"

Dominic grinned and pulled his seat belt on. "Nothing, Im afraid. Thought I might be able to order, if you lazy arses are up to it."

The very tiny Hispanic woman cocked a sassy hip and smirked into the phone held by her ear. "For you, anything guapito."

Lionel could hear the words on the other end of the phone. "Now, I am frightened."

"I’d like...a large. Everything on it, except for anchovies and pineapple. And oh, a liter of Dr. Pepper, eh?" He didn’t have much at the apartment, and he set the phone on his shoulder as he pulled the car into reverse, glancing at his lover to make sure he was buckled in before pulling out. And grinned at him, winking. "Hey, and you still making your fajitas?"

A loud snort. "Chu say that like they could stop me. Chu wan' the reglar?"

"Of coiurse. Twenty minutes?"

"Yep."

"Be there soon. Give Fredricko kisses, love."

Another snort, and a hip swivel. "Chu say tha' like he isna here trying to bite my neck."

"Not over my food, dammit!" Though Dominic grinned. "Bye, love."

"Bye, sessy."

Dominic hung his phone up and drove out into traffic at the same time, with relative ease. The sky was gray, but showed promise for a brighter weekend then those of the past few months. And he peaked at his lover, grinning.

"Fajitas?" Lionel asked, in the same tone that most people would say, "A pile of shit?"

Snort. "Fajitas."

"I can't believe you're going to consume fajitas."

"I can't believe you’re going to consume a hunk of dead animal, so I think we're just about even." Dominic replied sweetly.

Lionel chuckled. "If it weren't dead, Dominic, I wouldn't be consuming it. I like it just on the dead side of alive, but, it is still dead." A pause. "But I believe *I* shall go in and get my food."

go on to the next chapter