The Memoirs

The Ross household was, for once in its long existence, quiet. The kitchen was empty, the TV was off, the pillows and carpets straightened and neat. If there was a dish or ten in the sink, they'd be gone before Judge Ross returned, but for now, the house was quiet and comfortable.

In fact... one could hear the shower, the taps on a keyboard, and their pet kittens mewling in Peter's room.

It wasn't bad, and CJ turned his radio on cheerfully, flipping it to his favorite station. Not that KROW 101.9 shit, but his favorite mix station, and the rest of the tension in his shoulders and neck slipped out softly as Alanis's strong vocals sang out over his bedroom. Pete was showering, his little girl would be over sometime in the next hour, and they were going to sack out and watch vids and play video games for a couple of hours, until his mama came back. Pizza was on the way, Berluce's phone cord had been cut, and they were going to hang out like family.

Dammit.

Shayla was dressed simply, for a change, in jeans and a bright pink t-shirt with a Barbie head on it--completely girly, but that was okay with her. She dug Barbie, and to hell with anyone who didn't. Her pink hair was pushed back from her temples and face with little butterfly-shaped clips, and she was lugging a case of soda behind her as she kicked on the door. "HELLO!" she bellowed, at the top of her--thanks to her Senatori genes--not insignificant lungs.

Dogwood reached out with his foot and kicked his little brother. "CJ. Berluce. One of you get off yo lazy ass and help that little thing with whatever she's luggin' around."

"Man, you're one to talk. Lazier 'en the lot of us." CJ glared and rolled up onto his feet, grunting as long limbs straightened and he thumped down the steps. Almost tripped... righted himself to make sure no one saw, and pulled open the door. "Hey!" Big smile. "What's up girl? Come on in." he reached behind her and got the soda, lugging it up into his arms as he offered the door open.

"OOF!" She happily relinquished the drinks to CJ and glared. "What's up? Other than my ability to move my arms?" Then she relented and grinned. "Nothing much. Gotta talk to Pete, though, did you hear about Chloe and Whit? AJ told me tonight, and boy, he was not a happy camper."

"Man, Pete muttered something. Dumb kids." Not said without a huge hint of jealousy. He winked at her and led her towards the kitchen, and a moment later the doorbell rang again. "Ah hah. Pizza. Cups in the freeze, Shay. Mugs with water you can freeze, get um out, kay?" He went into his pocket for his thirty bucks as she moved around, opening the door again... ironically, to someone he went to high school with, and his eyebrow came up as the guy didn't look at him in the eye. Passed over the money and took the pizza's, and just… couldn't help it. "Hey... don't I know you?"

"Don't think so." The guy muttered.

"Nonono... wait." He nearly folded himself in half and craned from upside down, before popping back up to his muscular, 6'2 frame. "Yes, yes, I do! PAUL JENKINS. HEY!" Up the steps. "Bear! Dude, its a high school pal we know! The one guy who used to beat us up!" A big smile at the guy. "You been working for Pizza Hut long, man?"

Paul was mortified and he could barely look at the boy without flushing.

"Well hey, tough luck. Hey, but if you're ever in New York? And you pass by Carnegie Hall? Come catch me sing. With BabyFace." And he slammed the door as hard as he could in the guys face, snickering, and went into the kitchen.

"Got it." Shayla went to the freezer, and for a moment, her mind was boggling with the sheer amount of food crammed in the freezer, but she got the half dozen mugs out without a problem, and set them on the counter.

When she heard the line about the guy who beat CJ up, she turned around from the freezer and walked up behind him, putting her arms around his waist. "This guy bothering you, baby?" She asked, rising on her tiptoes to put her chin on his shoulder and smiling sweetly. One more person to witness humiliation was always good. A soft giggle as CJ slammed the door in the guy's face and she let go of his waist. "Very nicely done." She picked up the mugs on the tray. "HEY!!!! WE NEED MORE HANDS DOWN HERE!"

Dogwood Jr. appeared at the bottom of the stairs. "Christ, girl, you got lungs like my mama!" He picked up the case of soda with ease, and balanced two of the six pizzas on top of it. "I heard you the first time you bellowed!"

CJ smirked at Shayla, leaning over to give her a kiss on the cheek before he snagged the rest of the mugs and the second soda case. She was... truly adorable, and if Pete ever dumped her... no. He wouldn't. It was his baby brother, he couldn't. But he'd damn well fantasize about having himself this cute little pixie.

The shower smelled very manly. ...Or that was a nice way of putting it, anyway, as Pete opened the window that sat right in the middle of the shower wall. Had their been women in the house it would have sucked, but to Pete he could breathe in the fresh scent of trees and flowers as he climbed out of the shower itself, wrapping a towel around his waist. He'd heard Shayla bellow and smiled a little, as he gazed at the mirror. His cheeks were ruddy, skin peppered with water, and he began to dry himself with a second towel, rubbing his head and shoulders before he opened the door. Made sure the towel around his waist was anchored securely and slipped across the hall into his bedroom, and walked into his walk in closet, closing the door behind him to get dressed.

Shayla picked up the other pizzas and gave CJ a grin back. As soon as they crested the stairs, Pete walked across the hall in front of them, and she let out a wolf whistle.

"Damn, boy, put clothes on that naked ass of yours!" Dogwood bellowed. "Don't nobody wanna see it!"

Soft little grin from Shayla. "I wouldn't say nobody," she answered back softly.

Pete didn't say anything, as he stared at his clothes in the very, very, very tiny walk in closet. But he smiled.

"Shay, babe, gotta show you the pictures of him we got when he was a little baby. Maaan, that's when Dogwood was all into photography. I was... damn, 5, and I was the light boy. he's got some great pictures of him as a baby. Fat as anything, too." CJ snickered, though it was out of obvious love, as he walked into Pete's room and plopped the pizzas down on the floor, where a ton of pillows and bean bags were set up, bed actually made and CJ had made Pete take the nekkid chicks off the ceiling before letting Shayla come over, so everything was girl friendly.

"Need help in there, Pete?" she called out, setting down her burden as well, and picking out a neon pink bean bag chair that she knew had to be brought in just for her, cause it was her color.

"Jesus, Pete. Put on jeans, put on a shirt, get your ass out here. Ain't gotta be nothin' fancy, cause you ain't havin' dinner with the pres'dent."

Berluce was sitting against the wall, and he snagged a mug, a drink, and a slice of pizza, shoving half the slice in at once as he chewed.

And he came out a second later, and gave his brother a short glare. Blue t-shirt damp in places where his skin hadn't been all the way dry and jeans that were too long and too big, but so was his style. He tugged the legs up and settled on the floor, giving his brother another glare behind his shoulder, and carefully situated himself so he wouldn't hurt anything before smiling at Shayla, very, very shyly.

CJ thunked Berluce on his way past him and plopped on the side of the bed, nearly sending Dogwood scrambling as he folded his much too long legs and sighed as he watched his baby brother and the pink headed angel beside him. Been acting plenty fucked up the last few days and damned but Dogwood knew, and wouldn't tell them what was up. FINE.

Dogwood had intended to take up the bed, but CJ beat him to it. Instead, he plopped his long legs in the floor at the foot of the bed, putting his back against the wall and glaring at the whole room. "Damn, this group is dead as shit."

Shayla gave Pete a bright smile, and she shifted just a little as she brought her beanbag closer to him. "What, we're your only source of fun? Go pick on somebody else." Glare at Dogwood. "You got CJ and Berluce here to entertain you."

"Man, and I ain't entertainin' nobody. I haven't shaved those parts in two years and I dint fuckin' plan to again." A snort as he got the bag of video's he'd snagged and did a dance past Dogwood, making sure to all but rub his ass into his oldest brothers face as he snapped his fingers and hummed a beat.

Shayla's attention perked up. "Shaved?"

Pete was barely snickering at his brothers disgusted face as he got the bag from CJ, nearly sent him sprawling, and looked inside. And cursed. "You're a fuckin' ass. A Clockwork Orange? Bride of Frankenstein? Rambo?"

"What can I tell ya?" CJ muttered from his plop on the floor, pouring himself a soda as he got the bag and shoved a video into his brothers VCR. "I like me some cult classics."

..."Rambo?"

"Fuck off, Smurfette."

"A Clockwork Orange!" she cheered. Then she turned her glare back to CJ. "Don't call my boyfriend Smurfette. He's not a Smurf." She giggled. "He's a Gummi Bear."

Dogwood reached over and grabbed the bag. "Fuck, CJ, you didn't get Night of the Livin' Dead? Shit, ain't no cult classic better'n that one."

"Sure there is," Berluce said from his quiet corner. "Rocky Horror Picture Show."

"Feel much better." Snuffled mutter as he looked over at Berluce quietly. He hadn't spoken much at all, and Pete got to his feet enough to go on the other side of Shayla and sit next to his brother, all without a word said.

"Man, see? Ass, didn't give me time to--" He held up his satchel, where his CDs and paints usually went, and took out the DVDs he'd bought at Duke earlier this semester. "Can't rent it if I bought it." Snickering chuckle and he held them up. "Rocky Horror, or Night of the Livin' Dead Shayla. Your choice, cause you're just so damn pretty."

Shayla blushed, and leaned back, looking at the two DVD boxes. "Okay... one's a musical and one's in black and white. Gee. That's going to be a fun choice. Let's go with the non-musical one. Let's go... Night of the Livin' Dead." She flipped it over. "Yeah. Yeah, let's go with this one."

"You sure? Ain't nothin' like fags dancin' across the stage dude." A wriggle of Rocky Horror.

Pete kind of glanced at his brother, his throat bobbing as he got a little closer to him without making a big deal about it. Jealousy? Hot. CJ was looking at her like he could make out with her, and Shayla was smiling and giggling back and he was not. Seeing. This.

Dogwood very casually got up, whapped CJ across the head as hard as he could without permanently injuring something, and then sat back down without saying a word.

Shayla grinned. "Yeah, I'm sure. If I'm going to watch people dancing across the stage, I'll watch Moulin Rouge."

"OW!" He bellowed, and lunged out for his brother, punching him in the leg cause thats all he could reach for as his brother turned tail to sit down again. "Mother FUCKER! What the HELL was that for?!"

Dogwood elevated an eyebrow at his little brother. "If you don't want them golden pipes of yours broken, shut the fuck up."

"You just broke my goddamned head! SOMETHING SNAPPED ALREADY!" CJ snarled at him, rubbing the back of his now aching head. "Christ, Jesus, almighty and GOD, don't you fuckin' hit me again or I'll bloody more'n your fucking lip!"

"Truck Driving and Shayla don't go together, CJ." Pete said softly, as he kind of looked at Berluce.

And kind of touched his hand a little, so he'd bring him close. Only if he wanted to, though.

Berluce nodded, and slid a little closer, blocking the direct path between CJ and Dogwood. He wasn't totally stupid, but he also didn't want to end up goin' to the hospital tonight.

"Shut the fuck up, CJ, and eat your fuckin' pizza. I didn't break your fuckin' head cause there's nothin' up there to break." Dogwood glared at his little brother, and almost tripped over Berluce scooting in closer.

Shayla looked from brother to brother to brother. "Um... I miss somethin?"

Pete didn't really know, shrugging absently. He'd kind of wanted Berluce closer to him but he'd moved away to keep CJ and Dogwood from killing each other, so Pete just leaned over for a Pepsi and filled his cup as he ate a piece of pizza.

And loved Dogwood very, very much.

"Gettin' knocked around like I'm damn punching bag. The fuck. Asshole. If I need stitches or I can't remember half the girls I've dated, I'm gonna sue you for... something." Gasp. "SEE? My mental efficiency is already RUINED!"

"CJ? Sit down and I'll kiss it and make it better," Shayla offered, just to keep the peace. She scooted closer to her boyfriend, and shrugged her shoulder under his arm.

He slid his arm around her shoulders and couldn't help more of that dark jealousy, keeping her carefully close to him as he looked down at his pizza. "Man, lets watch the movie. You both'r like little bitching old ladies."

Alright, at that CJ's lips spread and his anger dissipated as he got a piece of pizza, his third already, and plopped with his back to the bed, TV in front of them. "Man, whatever. If I'm any old bitch I'm Julie Andrews."

"Julie Andrews my black ass," Dogwood snorted.

Shayla just grinned and curled up beside Pete at that, and looked up. She didn't like what she saw, and a soft touch turned his face towards her. "You okay?" she asked, softly as she could.

Berluce relaxed when CJ and Dogwood did, and he scooted forward again, ending up right behind Pete and his girl.

A simple nod, and he lay back a little on her beanbag, what she wasn't sitting on, letting her go to prop an elbow on the bag and let his legs out beside him, more comfortable as the credits began for the video.

"Julie Andrews. And you, my friend, ain't nobody but Betty White."

Shayla leaned back too, so that her shoulders leaned against his chest, and her head was at his shoulder. "You sure, baby?"

"Betty White my black ass. I'm Aretha Franklin and don't you forget it."

CJ exploded into laughter and thumped his brother on the leg with his foot, though it wasn't at all in anger as he continued to snicker wildly, even as he was shhed by his younger brother.

"Laugh like a fuckin' horse, man, shut the fuck up." Pete rolled his eyes at him and adjusted Shayla so she was close, watching the TV.

Shayla happily snuggled up against her boyfriend, pulling his hands around her waist. This felt right, this felt good, and she was comfortable with this because of all his brothers around. Alone, would have been another story, but this was good. She squeezed Pete's hands gently, rubbing her thumbs over his.

"Jesus, you guys are like a bunch of bitches, Petey nailed that one." Berluce thumped his brother on the shoulder.

Pete just nodded at his brother, giving him a thumbs up as they stretched out, and he knew she wasn't comfortable with this. He wasn't comfortable with this. He didn't deserve to have her in his arms like this when only a few days ago he'd begged Dick to fuck him, and his fingers loosened around her carefully.

CJ snagged a pillow off of the top of the bed and plopped on his belly on the floor, legs up behind him as he tickled Shayla's socked toes as he sipped his Pepsi, watching the TV cheerfully.

Shayla half turned to look at him, but then her attention was snagged as her toes were tickled, and she shrieked a loud giggle. "Stop that!!!" she shrieked, wiggling her toes to dislodge his fingers.

Cackle and he tickled the more she wriggled, grinning like an idiot up at her as he did it. "Stop what?"

"You're tickling me!!!" Her toes kept wiggling, and she started squirming her legs.

"Stop, CJ." Pete muttered, as he pulled Shayla over a little, closer over to him and his brother and away from CJ, who was being the biggest HORSES ASS tonight. "Man, she's ticklish. Leave her be."

Shayla giggled and tucked her feet under her as Pete pulled her closer, and she snuggled up against him. "Yeah, you heard Pete. Leave me alone." Then she stuck out her tongue. "So there."

It felt wrong. But he couldn't just yank away from his girlfriend, so he carefully held her to him and didn't say anything else, as the movie finally started and CJ settled the fuck down.

About ten minutes into the movie, the first murder happened, and Shayla gave a little scream at the suddenness of it. "TELL ME WHEN IT'S OVER!!" she squeaked, and buried her face in Pete's shoulder as the zombie started to devour the man's flesh..

He didn't say anything, just letting Shayla burrow in close as he watched. He'd seen this movie nine hundred times, so it really wasn't anything fascinating or terrifying as it used to be. His brothers had thoroughly ruined his mind at a young age, and he looked back at Berluce quietly. He and Berluce, who had been his hero when he was a little boy, and Berluce's shadow certainly, hadn't talked much since he'd gotten home for vacation. Berluce didn't talk much ever, but even less so these days, and he swallowed as he turned back around and looked at the TV screen.

Shayla turned over and peeked at the television screen, only flipping all the way back over when the zombie was gone and they were back to the hero, a black guy named Duane. She snuggled tightly against Pete, terrified of whatever was going to happen next, and she squeezed her eyes shut.

Berluce just watched. He was being quiet for a reason now, cause he knew shit was up and not just the usual Dawson's Creek shit that ran rampant in the house with younger brothers. If he watched enough, he might get a bead on it. And as he watched, he rummaged through his bag and dragged out an oversize sketch pad and a chunk of charcoal and started drawing. Broad lines that were narrowed and smudged for depth and shadow, Pete and his little girlfriend together.

"Ain't scary, baby." Pete said quietly, and ran a hand lightly through her wild hair as he shifted a shoulder. The t-shirt was cool now against his dry skin, jeans as well, snuggled in all the right places, and he was glad he'd tugged on socks over his ugly feet as he brought them up a little and watched without a word said.

"Yes it is!" she wailed, hiding her face in his shoulder again as Duane was attacked by more of the flesh-eating zombies. "It's horrible and icky but I wanna watch it!"

Berluce just nudged Pete with his foot. "Be still. Lemme get you drawn before you start movin'."

Pete looked over his shoulder at that, and his eyes widened a little at him before he turned back around. A hot flush of pride, cause Berluce hadn't drawn him in a long time, and he stayed still, quietly watching the television... and shielding Shayla's eyes from a particularly gruesome scene.

"Hold your girl still, wanna get a profile of her face." Berluce kept drawing, but he was looking for Pete's reaction more.

His eyes darkened as he kept Shayla close, though he did keep her still, nuzzling softly at her hair just a little before he let go and watched the television. First CJ, and now Berluce? He felt so dead as he loosened his hold on her again because he didn't deserve it. She'd be so much happier with someone else and he softly rubbed her arm with the pad of his thumb.

"Right. What I thought." Berluce turned his sketch around, which had, instead of Pete and Shayla together, Shayla lying on a cloud, in flowing gown yet to be detailed, and Pete lying below her, down on a low mountain top. Her face was in profile, mostly obscured by a light that didn't yet have a source. "Like this, Petey?"

He tipped his head, gazing at the picture, and nodded, reaching out carefully. "Here. She has a little dimple. You missed it."

"Uh huh." Berluce took the picture and drew in the little mark with the smudge of a charcoal line, and then turned it back around. "There." He turned it back around. "Gotta detail it."

Shayla turned around and saw the picture. "Wow. You did that just now? That's great!"

"Yeah, just now." He held it up to Pete again. "Well, Petey? Wanna tell me about it?"

An age old game they'd played. Pete took the picture, rolling over to lay on his back as he held the paper over his head, and ran a fingertip across the flow of her hair. "She's an angel. Laying on the clouds. Us mortal men below her. She's beautiful... long legs and arms and that models face. She's beautiful."

"Mmmhmm." Berluce took the paper back, added more lines to the dress, shaping the folds of a robe, and the hints of a body beneath it. The light brightened, obscuring less of her face while highlighting the curve of her body more, and then turned it back around. "And now?"

His body tightened in hot, dark jealousy as he saw her form under the dress, carefully. "She's only even more beautiful. It looks…looks just like her. Her hair… the way she crosses her legs, right here. See? She's doing it now."

"Yeah, bro, I see. Question is, do you see?" A few more strokes on the paper heightened the space between them, shadowing raising the cloud as highlights dropped the height of the mountain.

"Yes. I see." Pete said softly, as he watched his brother draw the image like it was as easy as water, and the distance between himself, and the Shayla dressed as an angel on the cloud. He could see, more than he knew, and he looked up at his brother for just a second before back down. "I see."

Carefully Berluce tore the unfinished drawing off the pad, and passed it to his brother. "There you go, bro. Sup to you now, what you wanna do with it." He settled back with his pad against his knees, charcoal in hand and broad lines already forming his next drawing.

Keep it. As a memory of this time, a reminder of the chasm that was between himself and Shayla. A chasm he had created, a chasm he had done. She was holy, she was perfect, she was sweet and untouched by the world. And he was nothing, laying underneath the darkness only to catch a glimpse of her.

He rolled up to sitting, still looking at the picture in his hands as CJ let out a yelp of horror at the movie, studying the lovely girl on top of the cloud. So pristine, and innocent. So virginal and soft.

Shayla didn't realize at first that Pete was sitting up, but at CJ's yelp she was looking for a shoulder to hide in and ended up with her face in his hip instead. She didn't care. She just grabbed around his waist and hid from the movie, then turned to look at the picture. "Wow. He's got talent. But I don't like it. We're too far away."

"Yeah. We are far away." Pete said softly, as he traced his thumb over the hole between himself and Shayla. "Berluce is a good drawer, because he sees what's inside people, you know? He doesn't just draw about what he sees, but what he really sees. And see? Look at how beautiful you are, Shayla. That's your inside, how beautiful and chaste and gorgeous you are on the inside."

"But he got you all wrong." She rubbed her fingertip over the paper, looking at the charcoal rubbing off on her fingers. "he's got you too dark, too small, and too far away." She rolled the drawing up, and put it back in his hands. "I don't like it."

So innocent. "I'm going to go get some ice cream. Anybody want?"

"Nah, none for me. Don't wanna get the canvas dirty." Berluce shook his head.

"Yeah, I want. Gimmie chocolate, Petey." Dogwood laced his fingers behind his head.

"I'll go help you," Shayla said, getting up from the beanbag. "CJ?"

He was hiding, very masculine like, behind his hand. "What? Oh! Naw, girl." Cough and he straightened, rubbing his face like he'd had an inch. "Naw. Thanks, though."

Pete nodded and climbed to his feet, carefully stepping over Dogwood's legs, and headed down the steps. The picture was crumbled tight in his hand, and as son as he realized it he straightened it, unfolded it, carefully folded it the right way and sticking it into his back pocket.

He didn't wait for his girlfriend.

Shayla was going to get up and follow him, but then she bit her lip. "Okay, what? Did... did I do something wrong this time?" she asked softly, staring out down the hall after him.

"No." He said softly without turning around, footsteps quiet on the stairs as he went down them. There was nothing in the world that she'd done. She was wonderful, kind, sweet, considerate, and the chasm was obvious. So obvious.

He had done something that there was no forgiving from. She might forgive him one day, but he would never forgive himself. He was a Ross, he was from a dignified, honest, good family who took care of their own and loved them without reservation. His parents' marriage had been a gift from God, as they always said, and his father would have never gone around his moms back to sleep with ANYONE, let ALONE a man.

This sin lay hard, dark, and heavy on his heart. And no matter who told him otherwise, it was his fault. And there was nothing he could think of that would change that.

"Okay." Shayla sat back down on her beanbag, and reached for her shoes while she was down there. "I think that's my cue to go. Thank you, guys, for having me over. It means a lot to me."

"Sit your ass down, girl. I'm not done with you." Berluce didn't look up from his canvas. "You can go when I'm done, and not until."

"But--"

"You gonna let an artiste like me fuck up his masterpiece cause he's losin' his model?"

"Shayla, sit." Dogwood rumbled it from the corner.

She swallowed hard, and sat back down on the beanbag, looking at Berluce.

He had himself a dark, wrenching cry in the kitchen. Eyes blurred, hardly able to see the fucking tub of ice cream as he scooped it into three cups, and then a forth because CJ was a finicky bitch and he'd want some when he saw the rest of them with it. Rocky Road, and he added whipped cream, sprinkles, and Reese's peanut butter cups to each one.

And he cried. God, how he cried. Heavy sobs that were quiet, just the soft sniffles that accompanied them, and he finally set the scoop down and pressed the heel of each hand into his eyes until he could stop.

Fifteen minutes later... ten for ice cream and five to calm himself, he came back up, looking as normal as could be. One for Dogwood, one for CJ before he could even open his mouth, and he handed the third to Shayla, leaving the one he had for himself as he sat down next to her again and dug in.

Dogwood nodded his thanks and started devouring from the whipped cream on down.

Shayla didn't say anything, just picked at her ice cream a few times, nibbling a few spoonfuls now and then as she left her back to the TV while Berluce worked on her. She shifted as he told her to, turning her face and leaving little charcoal smudges on her skin that he wiped off a moment later as he drew and rubbed and smoothed out lines on his paper.

And he tried not to watch, but he was, out of the corner of his eye. Watching the television, and CJ cringe and hide behind his hand, but he was paying more attention to Shayla than anyone else. He coughed softly, swallowed, and kept right on eating quietly, chewing on a bit of marshmallow.

"Shush, Peter," Berluce chastised softly. "Artiste at work." He didn't even look up at the cleared throat.

"Don't shush him like that," Shayla protested quietly, throat tight as she tried to swallow down another bite of ice cream.

Pete wasn't really listening. He hardly heard his brother, just staring down into his cup and swirling the ice cream turning to liquid down at the bottom. She was so beautiful, and it would only do her justice for someone to draw her. She was so pretty, and he looked up again quickly before back down.

The pink hair was horrible. The pink hair reminded him of how she looked when she first came to Smallville. The pink hair reminded him of the distance she had put between them. God, and she was entitled, entitled to all of it and more. It didn't matter that he hadn't wanted it at the end. When Dick was pulsing against him, rubbing and thrusting and moaning, Pete had wanted it. Wanted every touch, ever masculine snag, every hard groan and jacking squeeze. He'd wanted all of it. It haunted him, the way Shayla claimed there was a ghost haunting the mansion. A buzzing whisper in his spirit, that hurt his heart. "Its okay."

"No it's not. I don't like it when people talk to you like that." But she stayed still, letting Berluce finish his work.

Berluce kept his charcoal moving, narrowing and lengthening lines, adding details and creases, ruffles and flares and curves and suggestions as he kept drawing. When he was done, he looked up at his brother. "Petey? C'mere and tell me about this one." He didn't let Shayla see the drawing just yet, he wanted to surprise Pete with it.

Wedding gowns were always the hardest things to draw.

Pete set his cup down and carefully rose, coming around his girlfriend and sitting next to his brother before he looked at the picture. Stared at it for a long moment, his fingers coming up to touch the face, Shayla's face. His eyes were wide, to take it all in. How she would have looked on their wedding day, so fresh and young, so beautiful, and so excited.

And a single tear rolled down his cheek.

"Tell me about it, little brother."

Pete set his cheek softly on his brothers shoulder, as he stared at the image, and at the girl behind it, watching them. "It'll never happen. Bear."

Shayla blinked. "Berluce?"

"Call me Bear, Shay. Family does."

She nodded. "Okay. Bear. What's... what's in the picture? Why's... Why is Pete crying?"

Berluce turned the sketch pad around, and let her see. "You tell me, darlin'."

"Ain't crying, Shay." He said gruffly, turning his face away so he could rub his cheeks free and ignore the other people in the room in his mortification.

"Petey's cryin'? Really?" CJ looked up from his ice cream. "Damn, kid. What the fuck happened with ya'll? Man, we are so not dumb. Knew something was going on, but couldn't quite pinpoint it."

"Shut up, CJ." Dogwood's voice was firm when he said it between shovelfuls of ice cream.

"Yes you are." Shayla crawled over, alternating stares between Bear and Pete. "You... why? Pete?"

"Ain't never gonna happen, Shay." He said softly, looking at her for a long moment before he looked down and away. "Not ever. I thought maybe, but it ain't. can't get past something like this, baby."

"What... what are you talking about?" Shayla reached out, pushed Berluce's pad aside as she crawled closer to him. "You're crazy, Pete. We're working on it now."

"Shay, it has to be now. We gotta talk 'bout this." He nodded it, because he didn't want his private life open for his brothers, as he climbed to his feet and shoved into his tennis shoes. "C'mon. Lets go find someplace."

"Okay." She grabbed her shoes, and was in the middle of putting them on when Berluce gave her the drawing without a word. She folded it up carefully and stuck it in the back waistband of her jeans as she got up, and followed him out into the hallway. "Where?"

"Wherever you want." He didn't look back on his brothers, just grabbing his car keys from the hallway table. Or rather, CJ's car keys, but he doubted his brother would mind him taking out his 76 'Vette.

Too much.

"Alright. I'm so fucking clueless. What the hell is going on her?" CJ demanded as soon as he heard them start down the steps.

"Careem Jacob Ross, sit yo ass back down." Dogwood thundered it from the corner. "Don' make me kick it."

"Drop it, CJ, please?" Shayla looked back at him from the top of the steps. Just... listen to Dogwood, okay? Drop it. Nothing's wrong." She followed Pete down the stairs when he didn't stop.

He did stop long enough to hold the door open for her, and could look at nothing, and no one, but her. His chest was fluttering in soft, trembling beats, his jaw tightly clenched, and he waited silently for her, eyes trained on the ground as he beeped the car open. "Where to?"

Shayla slipped out the door beside him and wrapped her arms around her waist. "Um... somewhere nobody is. How about... do you want to go back to the school? I've got a key to the Torch office, Chloe gave it to me a few weeks ago after she lost hers. We can go in the office and talk."

"Okay. Let's… stop at the Talon. Get some coffee. And hey… start the car, alright? I'll be right back."

It was going to be a very, very, very long night. And he climbed the steps back into the house two at a time and came into his bedroom, where all his brothers stopped talking on a dime. A glare, dark glare at all of them and he got a pizza, one still not opened, and left. Back down the steps, a stop in the kitchen for a liter of coke, or as his best friend so completely mangled, cock, he was out the door and climbing back into the passenger seat.

"Okay." Shayla took the keys and got behind the wheel, luxuriating in the leather seats for a few minutes before sliding the key into the ignition and cranking it.

The engine turned over on the first try, and she raised her hips enough to tuck Berluce's--Bear's--drawing into her pocket instead of against her skin.

"Wow, a picnic," she said, swallowing hard. "Coffee and cock--coke. Shit. Been around Clark too long."

"Had the same thought. Bout the cock." A little smile at her, as he carefully put his seat belt on. "These things take time. Better prepared."

As soon as his seat belt was on, Shay shifted gears and the car engine purred as she gunned it, flying out of the driveway and hitting the road with ease. "Wow. I love this car." She shifted into drive, and put her foot to the floor, the scenery zipping by. "I didn't know Bear could draw."

"He draws." Pete said softly, as he looked out the window. He didn't have much to say, and he shifted the pizza and coke closer. And because he felt he owed her an explanation, "No one knows, Shay. If it embarrasses you. Only Dogwood, my dad, and Whitney. And Chloe." A glance over. "I don't want you to feel embarrassed or ashamed."

She shook her head. "Embarrass me? What... why would I be embarrassed about it? I'm angry about it, yes, and I'm still a little hurt, though I don't exactly have a right to be, but no, I'm not embarrassed. Though, now it makes sense, Dogwood tellin' CJ to shut up."

"People thinking your man would rather have dick than you." Bluntly spoken, but the dark, honest truth.

"Don't care about that. Cause it's not true." Shayla slowed down as they hit the town limits, and the main drag. The Talon was at the other end of it. "I don't think you want dick more than me, and that's all I care about."

"Forget about the Talon." Pete said it softly as he closed his eyes. "Clark might be workin' the late shift. Don't wanna talk to him right now. Is that okay? Lets just go to the school."

"Yeah, that's okay." She pulled out of the parking space that she'd just pulled into, and back out on the road. "So do you, Pete?"

"Do I what?"

"Want capital-D Dick--or little-d dick, for that matter--more than you want me? Is that... is that what you were thinking earlier? That made you cry, because you think you're stuck with me?" Her hands were tight on the steering wheel.

He turned then, to stare at her. Her fingers, her face, her body, tense in the big seat. "No, I don't want Dick, either of them, more than I want you. And I cried, because I knew this has ruined what we have. And its my fault."

She relaxed then, a little. "No. It's not... it's not ruined. Not unless you want it to be." She was silent then, for a long time. "Christ, I'm not good at this."

"No one ever loved me enough to go through this for me." He said softly.

"Get it through your head, Pete," she said, just as softly. "I do love you."

"You shouldn't."

She glared at him then. "Well, it's too bad then. Because I do."

He just fell silent, looking down at the pizza box as they drove. Smallville at night was so much more different then Smallville during the day. Everything was so much more quiet, so peaceful. Not a soul for miles as they drove down the road towards the school... just quiet homes and barking dogs.

Shayla kept her foot to the floor until they got to the school, and she didn't say anything else. The parking lot was empty, and Shayla pulled the Corvette into the parking space closest to the newspaper office.

The main doors were locked, but thankfully, the last time the Torch had been remodeled, they'd put a door to the outside on it. that was the door Shayla had a key to, and she unlocked the door with ease and pushed it open, flicking on the light switch as she walked in. The Wall of Weird sat quiet, articles blowing gently in the breeze as she left the door open for Pete, and then she sat down in Chloe's chair, behind her desk.

Pete entered, pizza and coke in hand, and set it on a table quiet as he entered. He shut the door behind him, throwing the lock out of the heebies this room sometimes gave him, and quietly looked at her as he swallowed and sat down on the couch. "You can ask. Whatever you need to. I don't know... how to go about doing this."

"I don't know either." She shrugged. "Why... why were you crying at Bear's drawings?"

"Because of the space between us. Because of the wedding dress."

We're getting rid of the space between us, aren't we?" She leaned forward in the chair. "I thought we were."

"No. We're not." He said softly, as he leaned into the cushions. "Will you come sit with me?"

"Yeah, of course." She got up off the chair and moved over to the sofa beside him, pushing the pizza out of the way and setting it on the chair she'd just vacated. She leaned against him, not as close as she'd been in his bedroom but closer than she'd been in a couple of days.

"This." he said softly, shaking his head as he gently sat her up, so they could sit face to face. "You don't want to be close to me. You don't want to look at me in the eye when I look at you, Shayla. You're not expected to. tell me the truth, about how you feel."

"Okay." She turned around so that she was sitting face to face with him, one leg pulled up and tucked under her, so that her calf rested against his thigh, and her hand sat on his knee. "No. I'm not... I'm not ready to go back to sitting in your lap and sleeping in your bed like nothing happened. I'm not. I will be, I will be soon, but I'm not now. I'm trying... I'm trying to reconcile what you told me, with what Morgan said, with what I feel, and with what really happened. I'm... trying to understand why you lied to me. Why you told me what you told me, when it wasn't true. I'm trying to understand that you're hurting, too, and I want to be there to help you. Because it breaks my heart to see you hurting like this." Her voice broke softly. "But it's hard for me, because I don't--I don't know anymore. I don't know if what you're telling me is the truth, or what you think will be easiest for me to believe. I don't know if what you're telling me is the real version, or the version that'll save your pride. I just... don't know how to manage all these things."

It broke his own heart, to see the tears in her eyes, hear her trying to speak through them, her voice cracking and he couldn't... touch her. It would be wrong to, so he just swallowed very hard and spoke softly. "I'm sorry I lied. I didn't know what to tell you, Shayla. I didn't want to tell you at all, and just break it off...but I can't live without you. I'm sorry it hurt you so much. What… what do you want to know?"

"The truth," she said softly. "I know... I know Dick wasn't... right in the head. Because he snatched me too, and I think he would have hurt me, or killed me, if Clark hadn't stopped him. So I know that much. But... tell me about the rest of it. I don't mean the details. Just... why."

He wanted, so very badly, to lie to her and tell her he hadn't wanted it, none of it. But he couldn't. So he just spoke, softly, swallowing hard as he did and looking down, in horror and shame. "He came to me. Begged me. And I said no. I said no many times, until he... he pressed against me. And I wanted him, Shayla. I wanted him inside of me. That's why what happened did, because I was weak. I wanted to feel him inside of me."

She was silent, waiting for him to look up at her.

And when she didn't speak, he finally did.

"That's okay, Pete." And it was, quite possibly, the hardest words she'd ever said in her life. "I know... I know that you want things, because of him, that I can't give you, basically because I don't have the right body parts. I understand that. I... will even be okay with it, given time. You... you can't control who or what you are. You love me. I know it, I don't doubt it. It doesn't mean that you love me any less because you want something I don't have. At least, I hope it doesn't. All it means is, there's a part of you I don't fulfill. And... yeah. It does bother me. More than a little. But the thing is... I don't blame you for it."

Yes, you do. "I'm sorry I can't be good for you." He nodded it, softly, and let his eyes move away from her. "Its not about having different body parts, and you know it. I cheated on you, and that I'm bi has nothing to do with it. I saw cock, and I wanted it. I could have said no. I didn't. Why, Shayla? Why are you wanting to be with me again?" He asked it of her softly, and quietly shook his head. "I'll never touch anyone but you again, if you come back to me."

She hit him then, punched his shoulder as hard as she could. "Idiot! It's not about right or wrong! It's not about cheating or anything else! You were raped, Pete! RAPED!" It was the first time either of them had said the word aloud to each other. "I know that's gotta be a hard concept for a guy like you to comprehend, but that's what happened! Maybe you did want cock up your ass, but you didn't want to be ripped into shreds when it happened, and you didn't want your girlfriend to crack the guy over the head with a ball bat because he wouldn't stop when you were screaming no!" Two seconds after it was out of her mouth, she was utterly mortified.

His mouth trembled open and his eyes were dark, wide, and glassy as he stared at her for a long moment before they finally flickered away, the same shocked expression on his face as he looked away from her. No, no, no, no. He'd wanted it. No. NO. NO. NO NO NO NO. He swallowed reflexively and licked his dry lips, getting himself back under fierce control. And didn't say a word.

"No!" She jerked his shoulders around to look at her, shoving the mortification aside. "No, Pete! Don't you look away from me, dammit!" She shook him, as hard as her little arms would let her. "I'm sorry! I don't want to be the one telling you this. God, I so don't want to be! But it's the truth! That's what happened to you, Pete. You were raped." Her voice lowered from the shout she'd been at before, and her hand moved to cup his cheek. "I'm sorry, Pete. But you need to see this. You need to stop blaming yourself for this, when it wasn't your fault in the first place."

"Yes, it was. It w… was my fault. I wanted it." He said it softly, voice cracking softly as he kept shaking his head. "I wanted it, I w-wanted it."

No. He had wanted to make love with Sam, not be pounded into, without preparation, without stretching, dry, shoved in so hard the scream had made his ears ring, so hard he'd felt the bile rise in his throat and his mind whiten from pain. So painful. An act which had once brought him so much pleasure, so much joy, torn into and violated and he didn't know what to do, as he stared at her and tried not to hear what she was talking about. Because he'd already known it, all along.

"No, Pete." She swallowed hard. "You wanted what you and he used to have. Not what... not what he did. You wanted to just be with him. You didn't want to be raped." Horrible word, and she never wanted to have to say it again.

His chin trembled, as he looked down at his lap. And just sort of leaned forehead, setting his forehead on her shoulder so she wouldn't have to see him break down, his face crumble, as he just kept his forehead on her, eyes shut tightly closed. His voice was gruff, hard on his voice, as he spoke. "It hurt so much."

She wrapped her arms around him and held him close. "I can't even imagine." Her hands stroked the back of his head, rubbed his broad, strong shoulders. "I really can't."

"Am I less of a man?"

"No. You're more of one, because you're able to walk away and still stay sane."

He would never again sleep with a man. Ever. He'd known it, when the doctor was sliding her fingers inside of him. He was never going to use it as a source of sexual pleasure, he was never again going to touch himself, he was never again going to be filled. He knew it. But even as he thought of it, it gave him such a rush of positive feelings. Touching himself, being filled, with dildo or cock, having strong hands caress him and oh, God. "I don't think you should be with me, Shayla. I'm not strong."

"I don't care what you think." She didn't let go of him. "Unless you can look me in the eye, and tell me that you don't love me anymore, I'm going to be with you. I'm going to be with you until you tell me to leave, until you dump me, because I love you, and that's just... it."

"I love you." Said so softly, as his fingers gently touched her hand. "I'm so very sorry."

Her fingers clasped tightly around his. "I love you, Pete." She hugged him with the other arm still around his shoulders. "Don't be sorry."

"I have to be. Even if... if what happened did, its still cheating. I still wanted. I don't know how you could ever forgive me, Shay. Because… because what you have with Chloe I know about, I watched it once. But this...it was....it was so wrong. It was wrong. And you know the worst part?"

She didn't bother with anything else he said. "What's the worst part?"

"I can't hate him. I already tried."

All she did was kiss him on the cheek. "Don't worry; I hate him enough for both of us." She stroked his shoulders again. "Look. It's not cheating. If you did it voluntarily... yeah. That's one thing. But sweetie... he forced it on you. Being forced into something isn't cheating, and I'd be a total bitch if I held it against you."

"You're so good to me." He whispered softly, running his fingers down her back, but not all the way because he didn't want her to flinch. "I don't know what I would have done had it been me."

"Well, we won't ever have to find that out." She put her hand on his cheek again, held his face to hers. "I promise. I won't go anywhere else either. I won't be with Chloe any more. Because it's not fair. I won't be with anyone else either."

"Is there anything else, Shay? Anything else we have to talk about?"

She shook her head. "Whatever you want to talk about. I know there's more, I just don't know what it is."

"Can I tell you something?" Softly asked, though he couldn't look up yet. Just staying where he was, on her shoulder, for a long moment, before he lifted his head to look at her.

"You can tell me anything." A soft kiss to his cheek met his raised eyes.

"I thought he was going to kill me. right before he..." A hard swallow, though he didn't look away from her. "I tried to fight him off. I tried as hard as I could to kick him off of me, but he was too strong. Stronger than me. He was always strong, I just didn't know how much until he pinned me. And if... i-if you hadn't been there, he would have killed me."

Tightening of her grip around him, and she didn't drop her eyes. "Then I'd have had to kill him. I wish I had anyway." She kissed his cheek again, then a soft brush against his lips. "I'm glad I was there to help." Another soft brush. "This is why it's not your fault, Pete. You just admitted that you couldn't fight him off. This is why it's not your fault... why I love you so much."

"He didn't r..." He couldn't even say it. "I just wasn't strong enough to get him off of me. But it w--wasn't." Couldn't talk anymore about it, as he brought her hand up to kiss the back softly. "You can tell me anything. If you need to, now… now you should."

Shayla brushed the back of her hand across his cheek. "Pete... that's the definition of what it is."

"It only happens to girls, Shayla." He said it gruffly, because his heart was crumbling again. "It doesn't happen to men."

"Yes it does." She blinked. "I'm... seriously not supposed to know this, Pete. So swear to me that you'll never never tell."

"I have no one to tell but you." He said it softly, as his chin trembled and he looked back down again.

"It happened to Morgan too. Years ago. I don't know the details; when he was telling Lindy, I ran because I didn't want to know. But it happened to Morgan, Pete. It happens to guys."

Mr. Senatori? He stared at her for a long moment, studying her for the lie. And instead what he saw was a raw hurt and fear and soft acceptance. His fingers squeezed hers, tightly. "But h--he's so...manly. How could it..?.."

"I don't know. I just know, it did. And he didn't tell for like, ever. Like, only a few months ago, he told Lindy. I don't know if he's even told the rest of the family yet. I'm not supposed to know but I was doing my lurking in the secret passageways and I just... I thought it'd make you feel better to know." She didn't blink, and squeezed his hands back tightly. "Don't ever tell Morgan you know."

"I won't." he said it softly, though hurt was in his heart for her. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I'm okay." She rubbed her arm across her face once, and looked up at him, trying to smile. "I'm okay. You'll be okay too."

"No. Don't... don't do that." He touched her face, very softly. "Don't do that. You hide stuff, like that, all the time. Tell me, Shayla."

"Just thinking about Morgan. How he closed off from all of us for such a long time cause of this. Had to be cause of this, cause he changed later, he was... he was happy again, like I remembered him being when I was a little girl."

"When he met Mr. Luthor?" His fingers ran gently down her arm but he didn't dare to touch more, just sitting back against the couch cushions so they could rest from the intensity of their words and talk about something else.

"Yeah. When he met Lionel. I think..." She looked down, and linked their fingers. "I want to think it's because he found someone he loved, loved enough to let it go."

"He and Mr. Luthor are really… they're happy. Don't tell Lex, but I think it gives everyone hope, who know them." His fingers squeezed hers. "I want love like that with you, Shayla. I want our love to grow into what they have."

She looked up at him. "Then you gotta stop blaming yourself for this. Okay? I know it won't be overnight. But you gotta stop. Cause it wasn't your fault. At all."

"Will you love me again, Shayla? if I get better, will you stop flinching when I touch you?"

She shook her head. "I never stopped. You don't..." she sighed. "You don't have anything to get better from." She leaned forward then, and brought his arms around her. "I'm not flinching because I don't want you to touch me, Pete. I flinch because I'm scared what it'll mean if I love you and you leave me."

Yes, he did. He had to get better from wanting men. And he'd do it, so help him God. "I don't want to leave. I love you. I want to stay with you, if you'll have me."

"Of course I want you, Pete. Of course I'll have you." She moved on the couch then, leaning against him and letting her head lean on his shoulder. "I'll have you until the day you die."

"Which, at our rate, will be soon." But he choked off a soft laugh and brought her a little closer. "Thank you, Shayla."

"It better not be!" She snuggled in as close as he'd let her. "You're welcome."

 

-fin-

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