The Memoirs

Lex had actually fallen asleep after climbing in bed beside Clark. It might have been the warmth of his lover's body, the security of having his aushna' close, or just... being with his Clark, but it lulled him to sleep. He didn't wake when Clark woke and got dressed; didn't wake when Clark left with Lionel, nor when he came home.

He woke when Clark pushed the door open to their bedroom, blushing crimson. He blinked sleepily, coming fully awake as Clark entered the room. He scrabbled for his watch to check the time, and blinked again. "You're back early."

"Rabbit run." Clark answered his lover, easily.

He closed the bedroom door behind him, still blushing softly, and pulled off his sopping wet shirt, jeans, boxers and socks. He was shivering, because for some reason, when he was doused in water he could feel the effects of cold and warmth more than any other time. He quickly went into the suitcase and tugged out a clean shirt and jeans, both new, and tugged them on after ripping the tags off of them. He tugged the shirt on, over his now dry, and cold, chest, and slid into bed warmly, quickly, getting as warm as he could.

"Rabbit run?" He held the blankets open for Clark, and as soon as his lover slid in, Lex curled up beside him, arms going to wrap tightly around Clark's waist, head resting on his shoulder. One hand rested on Clark's stomach, and the other against his back from their snug grip on his waist. "You're cold." He scrunched up tighter around Clark, tucking the blankets in and trying to get him warmer.

"Its raining like God is majorly pissed." Clark shivered and snuggled in, close, heaving a yawn into a slender throat as they cuddled close. They hadn't talked since last night, not really, anyway, and Clark tugged Lex in even closer, sharing the warmth of their cozy bed. "Your dad bought a rabbit for Eleanor."

Lex rubbed the top of his head against Clark's chin, a distinctly feline movement that felt right to rub against his love. "That was nice of him." He yawned, when he felt Clark yawn. "Did he drag you out too early?" A stroke of his hand across Clark's tummy, and he moved in closer, so that they were touching everywhere.

"No. Not too early." He whispered, muttered, as his lover arched and snuggled. Clark snuggled right back, pressing quiet, warm kisses on his chin, cheeks, lips, and smiled, softly, just a little, as he closed his eyes. "I'm sorry, Lex."

Lex returned the little kisses, sweeping them over Clark's throat, shoulders, and neck. "You don't have anything to be sorry about, baby," he said softly, stroking his lover's soft skin.

"I hurt you." Quietly, matter-of-factly. "Because I don't understand… I hurt you. I'm sorry."

Lex shook his head. "It's okay," he said quietly, still stroking. "You understand perfectly; I'm the one who doesn't, you're right." He gave a quiet sigh. "I'm trying, though."

"And I don't give you credit." Clark answered, softly. "I ask so much, because… because I'm different, Lex. I don't mean to make you talk about every little single thing...it was weird, and bad, and I'm sorry."

Lex gave a little tremble. "It's not bad. It's not weird. I... I get that I'm supposed to, I just... I can't. I love you, so much, I don't want to upset you with the things I'm dealing with." His strokes became a little more restless, as though he was trying to soothe his lover.

"Don't soothe me, Lex." Clark whispered, as his fingers began a gentle stroking over Lex's back. "Let me soothe you. I didn't understand that you're a Luthor, that you're a human, and that sharing is harder, and a big deal. I didn't let myself understand that, but I understand now. Now I do, now I know. I love you, and I don't want anything to come between us. I don't want to fight anymore, about anything. You were being nice to me, and I lost it. it was self centered, and egotistical, and I'm sorry."

Lex just nodded, and curled up tightly to Clark's side, letting him stroke. "You weren't being self centered or egotistical, Clark. It's my fault; I know what you need and how you feel and I was the one being selfish and not giving it to you." He left his head on Clark's shoulder as he cuddled closer. "I'm sorry, too, for not being what you need, and I'll try."

"You are what I need. Why do you always say that, Lex? Why do you always demean yourself?" An angry stroke down a long back, now. "Why do you always make yourself less than great, less than you are? You are everything, strong, smart, sophisticated. Don't demean yourself by putting yourself at my standards--I don't even know what my standards are, but whatever they are, you're above them. Do you understand? You're my entire life. I just wish you'd understand why it made me upset, Lex. I don't run in the same circle you do, but I thought that didn't matter to you."

Lex couldn't stop the cringe at the angry tone in Clark's voice, and he tried to make himself smaller against his lover's side. "I just... I know I don't always do what you need me to do. I don't always share things, I try and be over protective, I try and give you things you told me that you don't want. I can't help doing that; it's what I feel like, in my head, and in my heart, that I should be doing. It's like I told Dominic--you're the one that's going to be carrying my children. It's my right, my privilege, my responsibility, to protect you, make sure you have everything you need, to keep you safe. But when I try and do that, it just makes you angry and upset with me, and I don't know what to do anymore."

"I don't get angry… I'm just...frustrated." Clark finally whispered, after a long moment. "Because I can't give you the things you give me… I can't even offer them to you."

"Yes you can!" Lex tightened his grip on Clark's waist. "You give them to me every day, Clark, you give me things that no one else ever has, not even Bruce. Please, listen to me. You know that you are just... you're everything to me. Nothing comes before you. You give me everything I could ask for. You love me. You accept me. You trust me, you give me yourself. And that, Clark, that is so, so much more than I could ever hope to give you. Because you are the most precious thing in the world."

And for once, for once, Clark believed it. His throat tightened uncontrollably and he wrapped his arms, tightly, around his aushna', hugging him close to his body. He just hugged, as hard as he couldn't, squeezing his lover snuggly in his arms as he pressed tender, furious kisses to his cheeks and chin. "I love you."

"I love you," Lex said fiercely, his arms and legs linking around Clark as he returned every kiss with one of his own. "You... you are my aushna', the father of my children, the missing half of my soul. Don't ever think you don't give me anything, because you've given me everything, and do it on daily basis." He squeezed harder. "I promise to try and be a better aushna'."

"You are a good aushna'. I just didn't understand why you were doing things... now I do, now I understand. I'm so sorry, I love you so much." He squeezed, tightly, hugging him as hard as he could, and kissed all over his face and throat, as he squeezed him in close. " love you, I love you, aushna', Kenep, I love you."

"You don't have to be sorry." Lex kept himself twined tightly around his lover, touching and stroking and kissing and holding. "You don't ever have to be sorry, not to me, not to us."

"I love you, Kenep." He whispered, softly, and pressed warm, quiet kisses to his lovers face and body, his eyes lowering closed as he held him tightly close to him and just... was. The room fell silent, quiet there in the early morning, with the rain pattering on the roof above. It was warm here, it was good, it was love, and Clark's chin trembled again quietly before he kissed his lover, deeply. "I love you."

Lex returned the kiss as deeply as he could, tasting and licking and delving. "I love you, Kal." He stroked his fingers through Clark's hair gently, cradling him close. "I adore you. You are everything."

For some odd, inexplicable reason, bacon frying, eggs cooking, and toast slightly burning in the little cottage kitchen smelled like sin. It reminded, deeply, of home, and it was one of the things Dominic kept coming back to as he flipped, flopped, sizzled and popped. Sausages were frying in the third pan and he had all three going, quickly, frying and cooking with the ease of a man who'd done a lot of it in his life.

Lionel was in charge of the toast.

And yet.

"Don't worry, beloved. We can scrape it off."

Lionel just raised an eyebrow at the toaster as a thin wisp of smoke rose from it. "I blame you for this, entirely, as I told you that I was capable of buttering toast, not making it." He wrinkled his nose as the burnt bread slices finally popped up, and he moved to the sink, taking the butter knife and scraping off the burned sections.

And paused, as he listened. "They're not yelling; there's no blood flowing out from under the door. That has to be a good sign."

"They're telekinetic, my darling. They might be screaming in their heads." Dominic said demurely, and as his lover was scraping, moved the heat on the toaster down over his lovers back, pretending to fetch a plate. He used it though, a second layer, putting the still hot sausages on the plate and set it to the side, beside the pancakes, and began on the bacon. "I hate to throw all this food out come Monday." He motioned his shoulder at the fridge, and sideglanced his lover, standing beside him.

Dominic himself was in long pajama pants and his lovers orange sweater again, socks on his cold toes, and he used his left foot to rub an itch out of the back of the opposite ankle. "Maybe we can pack it up and troop it over to Gran."

"I'm sure we could; the rest of your family would have it devoured in seconds." A considered blink. "So could Clark, come to think of it. Or, we could pack it in dry ice and have it shipped home to Ms. Bird." He watched as Dominic scratched his ankle, and then heaved a sigh. "If they were screaming in their heads, we'd hear slamming and pacing, at the least."

"Unless one of them is dead," Dominic snickered.

Stopped mid-snicker.

Handed the spatula to his lover and walked out of the kitchen, slipping down the hall and knocking lightly on the bedroom door. "Boys? Are you about ready for a spot of breakfast?"

Lionel looked at the spatula like he'd just been given a dead animal carcass, and let it dangle from his fingertips.

Lex was still half curled up on Clark's chest, one hand intertwined with his lover's, the other stroking over Clark's belly. "Are you ready for breakfast?" Lex asked softly, murmuring into his lover's ear.

Clark's tummy, under his lovers quiet, gentle touches, grumbled. Loudly. A sheepish little grin touched his lips, and he blushed, softly. "Maybe. Are you ready for breakfast?"

"Ah." Dominic knocked again, a little louder. "Are you both dead?"

Lex grinned back in return. "I think your stomach's ready for breakfast." He snuggled a warm kiss on Clark's throat. "We're alive," he called out, raising his voice so Dominic could hear him.

"That's good. Pulses are always a good thing. Breakfast is almost ready, so come along." Dominic answered, before quickly weaving back to the kitchen where his lover was holding his spatula like a clueless buffoon. "Lionel." He sighed it, took the spatula, and flipped the vegetable omelet quickly, so it wouldn't burn, even as he shook his head at his lover.

Clark smiled back, softly, and kissed a tender temple before sliding up to sitting. They'd taken a shower already, and had just put on some decent clothes to rest for a while before Dominic came calling.

"So that's how that thing works," Lionel mused silently, turning back to the toaster. He'd managed to get two more slices of bread into the toaster, and there was still a little wisp of smoke rising from it.

Lex let go of Clark as he moved, staying on his side so that his head went to rest in Clark's lap, and then after a moment he sat up too, beside his love, and squeezed Clark's hand. "Come on. Let's get out there before they think we've killed each other."

Clark couldn't help a giggle at his aushna', as he rubbed his lovers bare head gently with his thumb. "I heard Lionel say if the blood wasn't running out under the door, we were still alive."

"Its quite a marvelous invention, love." Dominic teased gently, as he leaned up to kiss his husbands cheek. "See? You can't flip the eggs with a fork or what have you, they break. A spatula, a wooden one, is best." More teasing, his dimples winking on as he motioned the to toaster. "You're doing marvelously."

Lex laughed softly at that. "My father's a bit melodramatic at times." He arched his neck, pushing his head into the gentle touch of Clark's stroking thumb. "But at least he's concerned."

"I will take your word for it," Lionel said, angling his torso back to take two slightly-singed pieces of toast out of the toaster, and sliding two more in to take their place.

Dominic... he just bit his lip, kept the laugh in, barely, and the last of the omelets onto a plate. There were scrambled eggs, veggies and cheese to add to the omelets which in part were his specialty, bacon, sausages, toast, pancakes... he felt he was missing something, and then he ah-hah'ed loudly, took the stove off, and took the toast from his lover. "In the fridge, there are orange wedges, and apple wedges, as well as... ah... oh, bananas."

"Only a bit?" Clark whispered, softly, though he smiled and rose to his feet. He licked gently at one corner of his lovers lips, kissed where he licked, and offered his elbow. "Breakfast, my good sir?"

Lionel finished buttering the last two pieces of toast, surrendered the stack of bread, and ambled over to the fridge without comment. He was proud of himself, actually, for not commenting on the fact that he was setting out food like a common waiter. He just retrieved the bowls of already-cut fruit, set them out on the table one by one, and pulled off the plastic wrap that sealed them closed. Another brief moment of rummaging through the cabinet found honey for the coffee and jam for the toast, and he set out both jars of sweet toppings before moving the coffee pot within hand's reach.

Lex shivered at the little lick, and then returned the kiss as best he could as he let Clark pull him up to his feet. He threaded his arm through the offered elbow, and he sighed. "Breakfast. Christ. I can tell already, they're cooking to feed an army."

"Of course they are."

And as Clark led his lover out into the hall, it smelled like they were walking into a restaurant. It was like sin, fresh bacon and eggs, and he heaved a little trembly sigh. "I hope he made a lot."

Lex leaned over. "You're welcome to anything he made for me," he said, stomach turning at the smell of fried meat products this early in the day.

Clark passed a grin over at Lex as they walked through the neat as a pin living room, strolling across the threshold into the kitchen. "Mmm. Dominic, that smells good."

"Of course it does. I cooked it, now didn't I?" Dominic asked with a mild huff, and a wide grin."

Lex kissed the back of his lover's neck. "Sit down, I'll get our coffee."

"I've got eggs, bacon, sausage...anything you'd like to drink, indeed." Dominic offered, as he set the plates on the table, heaped with food. "Omelets which are fabulous if I say so myself. Come, sit, sit. Lionel darling, get the salt for the eggs."

It smelled absolutely divine, and for the first time since they arrived, Clark smiled. He really, truly, smiled, his lips spreading, dimples flashing, white teeth twinkling. "I just love this."

"I made your favorite things, I'd hoped." Dominic grinned as he plunked down in the chair across from Lex.

"No... I mean... all of this." Clark motioned around. "Not just the food. Everything. I missed you guys so much that until now... I didn't really notice it. It was just gaping, an emptiness, that you guys filled."

Lex picked up two coffee cups and listened to Clark talking with a small smile on his face. He poured both cups full, put one down at his own chair, one down in front of Clark's, and picked up a plate.

Didn't even think about what he was doing as he started to fill it, piling on a little bit of everything, adding a few slices of toast to the top of the heap, and sat it in front of Clark. Only then did he pick up a plate for himself, and he took two slices of toast, and several chunks of both kinds of fruit.

Lionel was doing his best to ignore Lex's actions, and he smiled at Clark. "We missed you too, Clark. Dominic and I had been speaking of that several days ago, just before you arrived, in fact."

Dominic saw it... blinked… twice, made sure he'd seen correctly, and side glanced his lover all in the same motion, knowing he'd know just what he was thinking. He blinked again, and smiled at Clark as he did it. "We did miss you, heaps. It was odd not having you both running underfoot, but its good to be together again. Lex? A knife? You could cut his food too, darling."

Couldn't help it. He'd tried, dammit. What was he supposed to say?

"Alright. Sorry about that. Uncalled for, indeed."

Clark had stayed silent, thinking Lex was setting the food up for himself, but he blinked, and stared, as it was set before him.

Lionel glared at his lover for the uncalled for remark, and was just about to nail Dominic in the shin for it. He'd hoped for a quiet breakfast, and he had a sinking suspicion that it wasn't going to happen now.

Lex's eyes actually dropped to the knife by his plate, picked it up, but only used it to spread a layer of blackberry jam across one of the slices of toast. "Yes, it was," was his only comment.

He just… he sighed. "I'm sorry. I didn't quite mean it to come out like that."

Clark was still staring at the plate Lex had put in front of him in mild disbelief. Couldn't believe what had just happened, and he blinked at it, before looking at Lex.

Lionel tried to smooth it over. "Ah, Lex. Would you please pass me the bowl of apples? I do believe I'd like to have a few to go with my eggs this morning." He glared at his lover again, daring him to keep needling Lex.

"Sure, Dad." He picked up the small plastic bowl and passed it over to his father, and looked back down at his plate, then met Clark's glance. "Do you need a refill?" Lex asked, lifting the coffee pot.

Clark just... he just stared at his lover, for exactly five seconds, before shaking his head. Didn't touch the food, at all, because he was still in disbelief over what Lex had just done. Had they NOT just gotten over a fight over this very thing, or had it been Clark's imagination?

Well, Dominic felt kind of bad now. Clark wasn't saying anything, so apparently he wasn't angry. Fuck. He sighed, even quieter, and rubbed a hand over his face.

Lex blinked, coffee pot in hand and mid-way ready to pour as he paused it in mid-air.

Clark finally, finally, found his voice. "Did you... just do... what I think... you just did?"

He blinked again. "What?" He sat the pot down, as Clark's cup was still full, and blinked again.

Clark stared at him. For ten seconds. Considered just tossing it away, really, he did, and as he thought about it, he decided it not worth fighting over. So he just shifted, took the glass of juice Dominic had wedged over at him, and drank from it. "Nothing, never mind."

"Okay, what'd I miss?" Lex pushed his plate away and crossed his arms over his chest. "You're pissed... because I made your breakfast?"

Dominic looked up, startled, when Clark's teeth grit, audibly.

"No. I'm not."

Lionel gave a little cough. "Sorry, the apples were a bit more tart than I'd expected." He cleared his throat again, and took a rink of his coffee. "Clark, thank you for your help in picking out Eleanor's pet rabbit this morning. I don't think I could have done it without you."

"Yeah, you are, if I can hear your teeth gritting about it." Lex got up from the table and took the coffee cup with him. "I'm going to finish my breakfast outside."

"Wait... so... you embarrass me in front of my father in law and his husband, and you get to play the martyr?" Clark wasn't angry--yet--so much as unbelieving. "You get to be the martyr here?"

Lex turned back around. "I'm not being a martyr, Clark. Apparently, I can't breathe without pissing you off. Therefore, I'm removing myself from breakfast."

"Do you... even understand why I'm angry?" Yeah. Trouble taking in a breath? Sure. Fury was too tight a fist in his stomach.

"I shouldn't have said anything." Dominic said, very, very quietly.

Lionel just patted Dominic on the knee. "You were in the right. Come on. Let's leave them alone to this; the last thing they need is us sitting here and kibitzing every five minutes on their... ah, their discussion."

Lex shrugged. "I don't ever understand why you're angry anymore, Clark. And I'm about to give up trying."

"So… wait. Let me... let me get this straight." Clark pushed the chair back, and rose, to face his lover entirely. "You wouldn't be angry if I sat you down at a table, loaded a plate for you, and set it in front of you for you to eat, without asking anything about what you wanted, and all but treating me like I was still in pampers?"

Dominic... Dominic swallowed, tightly, nodding and squeezing the hand on his knee. "I bet you he thought about cutting his food for him. Ten bucks says."

"I'd realize that by now? You'd know what I do and do not care for, and I'd trust you to make a plate for me that I would have no problem consuming, especially when I am in conversation and my attention is fucking elsewhere!"

Lionel just nodded quietly. "I'm sure he did, but I sincerely hope he's not foolhardy enough to mention it."

"It wasn't elsewhere!" Clark bellowed, on top of his lungs. "I was sitting there, we hadn't even begun to eat! YOU TREAT ME LIKE A FOUR YEAR OLD!"

Dominic winced, harder now, as Clark screamed, and hid his face in his lovers shoulder for a moment, grasping his arm tightly. "Okay. We're leaving. The wrath will come to me eventually, I know it."

"You were sitting there having a nice little conversation with my father!! You were paying no fucking attention to the plates full of food in front of you, and I'll be goddamned if you make me feel bad for trying to make sure you got your fucking breakfast instead of yapping your head off!"

"I AM AN ADULT! I can get my OWN fucking food, I can talk to whoever I damn well please! GOD DAMMIT LEX!" Furious? Clark was beyond furious. "Have you ever seen your dad make a plate for Dominic? Have you ever seen Dominic do it to your dad?! NO! I am NOT a woman, and I refuse to be treated like one! Like I'm some helpless little female who needs her big bad man to protect her! JUST BECAUSE I BEAR CHILDREN DOESN'T MEAN I'M A WOMAN!"

Lex didn't say a word to that, just carefully sat the coffee cup down, and slammed his way out of the little cottage. Paused to pick up the blanket from before, despite the fact it was still wet and raining, and started taking his shirt off as he headed for the path that lead down to the beach.

"LEX DAMMIT!" Clark bellowed, as he tore out of the house after him. "Stop, and fucking TALK to me!"

Lex paused, and turned around to look at his lover in the rain. "You don't want to hear what I have to say, Clark. You really don't."

"Just... just tell me! Okay? You don't talk to me, and then it gets worse!" Clark cried it, loudly. "Just tell me!"

Lex threw the blanket down. "You piss me off, Clark Kent. You make me angry as hell. I try, left and right, to do what I think is right. I do what is in my blood to do, and you tell me that I'm wrong. You get pissed off at me. When I don't do it, you get pissed off at me. You know what? I'm sick and goddamned tired of being the bad kid here. I thought... I thought you understood that I'm just doing what my instincts tell me I'm supposed to do for you, goddammit. But you don't. You don't understand it. Not a bit. You don't understand me. You don't give a fuck about what I'm thinking, feeling, or trying to do here. You're too busy yelling and being pissy at me to bother. Now... I'm going to go for a fucking swim, and when I get back... I don't know what the hell I'm going to do."

"You know what? Fuck YOU!" Clark screamed back. "You don't even care to understand why I get mad, you don't give a shit! I understand you just fine, or have you forgotten? Huh? Have you forgotten about what we are? I know you better than I know my damn self, and I understand everything about you. I care about you more than anything, but Lex, Jesus Christ!"

"Forgotten what we are?" Lex stomped back over the muddy trail towards his lover. "How the fuck do you expect me to forget what we are to each other when every second of my day is dedicated to it?" He ran his hands over his head, cleaning, for a brief second, the sheeting water off it. "And I'm not complaining! Because it's my responsibility to you, but you, Clark, are the one that's screaming at me no matter what I do for fucking up! If I don't trust you and what my instincts tell me, then it's my fault for not believing that we're aushna'. If I do trust you, and them, and do what they tell me to, then it's my fault again for coddling you, protecting you, what the fuck ever, and I'm tired of it, Clark. I'm tired of it. You tell me what you want me to do, and I'll do it." He let his hands fall. "But I'm tired of trying to figure it out and getting screamed at every time."

"I don't know what I'm doing. Don't you understand that? Haven't you figured that out? I don't know what I'm doing, I don't know what's going on inside my body, I don't know who I am, and I sure as hell don't know my place in anything." Lex's words had stung, and now he backlashed against them. "How could I expect you to forget? Do you want to leave, Lex? Are you just too tired of me, eh?" He taunted it, snarled it, even as his heart ached. "I can't help what's going on inside me, dammit, I can't help it."

At the threat of leaving, Lex pulled himself up ramrod stiff, and turned around, marching almost back to where he'd dropped his blanket. "If you want to leave, Clark, I will make arrangements for the plane to take you back to Smallville whenever you're ready. Furthermore, I will call one of the lawyers at LexCorp and have them arrange an apartment for you with your own bank account, so you will be taken care of and able to live the lifestyle you've become accustomed to while you were with me." He picked up the blanket, wrung out the water and the mud, and continued on his way down the little path.

He'd always known Clark would leave him, because of his fuck-ups. It had started way back when they'd gone to the Brandywine club, and it was finally coming to a head now. He refused to feel the numbing ache that wanted to build in his chest, refused to admit that there were hot tears tumbling down his cheeks in addition to the cold rain.

His teeth clenched, even as his heart leapt up into his throat, to choke him. "Why, why can't you understand? Why, Lex? Why, why, after all this time, why can't you understand it? Why can't you see that even if we want to kill each other, I still love you, and you're my aushna'? Why can't you understand our bond, why can't you see that even if we fight, we're together? Why, Lex? What have I done so wrong that you can't understand it?" Clark looked, helplessly, at the long back of his lover. "Why can't you see I'm just fucked up, Lex? Why can't you be the adult and help me?"

"Because I'm not a fucking adult, Clark. As much as I try to be, I'm not. I am a kid, I'm only three years older than you are, and no matter what I do, I'm still a kid." He sighed, and stopped, though he didn't turn around. "You don't get that. I try to be the adult. I try to be strong for you and help you, and you get angry because I'm being strong, not sharing, whatever. Please... Clark, make up your mind. You are tearing me apart. I can't be everything at once."

Clark looked after him, silently, for a long moment. "I'm so fucked up. Lex, I'm screwed up in every way possible." He didn't know what else to say, because he couldn't be sorry for the way he felt. Refused to be. "I don't mean to make you feel like you're tearing apart. You... you make me feel inferior to you, Lex. You tell me you love me, and respect me, but then you go and do things like what you just did."

"You're NOT inferior to me, Clark." Lex kept walking until he came to a boulder, and sat on it, spreading the blanket out to get washed by the rain. "I keep telling you that. But you don't believe me. You keep thinking the worst of everything I do. My head, my heart, my instincts, they tell me to take care of you. And I try to stifle it, as much as I can. I do. But I can't stop it entirely. Making sure you're fed? That's not done to demean you. And it hurts me that you think it is."

"I don't think badly… I try not to be angry, Lex, but I can't help it." He followed, quietly… Christ, he didn't want to be having this conversation. He wished, for all the world, that he was somewhere else. "I can't help what I feel, even if I am messed up. I can't help it, Lex. I can't help it. I try not to think the worst, because you are my aushna'. I'm sorry." it was all he could think to say, now. He didn't want to be fighting, he didn't want to do this. He just wanted to find a hole somewhere.

"I don't treat you like a woman, Clark." But Lex wasn't finished. "I haven't ever. Yes, I worry about you. Yes, I do want to take care of you and watch out for you. But I don't treat you like a woman. And I don't treat you like you're helpless, either." His hands tightened on his knees. "I resent it, Clark, when you accuse me of things like that. It makes my blood burn. And my head ache. And my throat close up. Because I know when you accuse me, I've failed you. And I don't like feeling like I've failed you, when I'm doing all I can not to." He kept his eyes down, not quite looking at his lover. "I don't blame you for what you feel, Clark. But you blame me for what I feel. And that's not fair."

An undying guilt settled, thickly, over his conscious, and his eyes closed, as he looked down, as well. He realized his error, realized the misstep he took at some point, and the wall he kept around portions of his heart closed harder, screwed up tighter, never to be opened again. It was his cross to bear, the way he felt, and pushing it onto his lover wasn't fair. He was at fault, and Clark's own throat closed and locked up, tightly, for a very long few moments. "I'm sorry."

"I know you are." At some point, Lex had stopped shouting. "For what it's worth, I'm sorry, too. I'll... try to stop whatever it is I'm doing. See if that helps bring the peace."

Clark just… shook his head, and ran his fingers through his hair. "You didn't do anything."

Lex gave another shrug. "I guess it depends on who you ask." He turned his head back towards the ocean for a moment, and then to Clark. "I'm still going down for a swim. Do you want to come?"

He shook his head, quietly. "No. But thank you. I'll be inside." He nodded, though his head felt dazed, and he looked at Lex for a moment before nodding again. "Inside. If you need me, just call."

"I will. Tell Dad and Dominic I'm sorry for ruining breakfast." His blanket was wet, but less muddy than before, and he picked it up from the rock's surface and wrung it out before tossing it over his shoulder and disappearing around the curve of the little hill.

Clark just sort of turned, and walked back up to the house. He was sopping wet, though he didn't even notice, and shivering in cold. He stepped into the kitchen... looked over the empty table, all the hard work Lionel and Dominic had put into breakfast, and stepped through the house after removing his muddy socks. He stopped in front of them in the living room, where they were watching some game show together, and nodded. "I'm sorry. For ruining breakfast."

Lionel heard Clark coming back into the house, and nudged his lover gently in the ribs. "You didn't ruin anything, Clark." He pushed up from the couch, and went back into the little kitchen. "There's warm blankets by the fireplace in your bedroom, and I'll have hot coffee ready for you once you've gotten dry."

Clark shook his head, quietly, even as he followed back into the kitchen. "Lionel, maybe I should go. Home."

Dominic followed, quickly, stepping over the muddy socks in the kitchen as he followed his lover. "Whatever for, ducks?"

He shrugged his shoulders, for a moment, and let his eyebrows furrow, tightly. "I really... messed things up. I don't want to ruin what's left of your vacation for you."

"Nonsense, Clark. You're not ruining anything, and you're not going home. Ms. Finn would scalp me if I let you leave before Sunday's big dinner, and since I'm rather attached to my hair--despite the unruly nature--won't you please help me keep it right where it is, and reconsider staying?"

Clark looked at him, for a long moment. "I don't know if I should. Lionel... I don't even know what I'm doing here. I don't know what made me think that life with Lex, where we could do things like this, would be great fun. It isn't fun. I'm messing up, everywhere, he doesn't trust me anymore, he can't even look at me. And who'd blame him? I went… off the handle."

At that, Dominic's eyebrows shot up. "For telling him to not make you food?"

Clark nodded, softly. "He's right, though. He's right. He just wants to protect me, and keep me safe. He's mad at me." Very softly. "I'd be mad at me. I just need to go home."

Lionel sighed as he followed Clark into the little bedroom. "Clark... you should know better than anyone what a temperamental, monumental ass my son can be. Over the slightest provocation." He rubbed his temples gently. "And if you don't know it, take my word for it, as I have dealt with him in nearly every incarnation, to the point where I'd like to strangle him at times." But then he dropped his hands and looked at Clark. "No matter what kind of problems you are having at this moment, they will pass. Because I have never seen Lex as happy as he is with you at any other time in his life."

Clark shook his head, softly, as he sat down on the edge of the unruly bed. "You don't understand, Lionel. Its different, now. He's in the right, and I'm not. I'm not." He looked down and ran his hands through his hair again, to fist tightly. "I wish it would all go away. I wish I couldn't feel anymore. I wish it was like it was before."

"I hardly doubt that my son is in the right about anything lately." He sighed, and he reached up to disengage Clark's hands from his hair. "It won't go back to what it was before, Clark, and you know that. Losing a child changes you, and it changes your relationship. It changed me; it saddened my wife to the point where she would have rather died than lingered in a world where her youngest son was no more. I don't want to see that happening to you and Lex, because you and Lex have something far, far too wonderful to throw away or give up on."

Clark let Lionel take his hands from his hair, but he held those hands, tightly in his. "It all began because I wanted him to talk to me, and he wanted me to just understand him. Lionel, I'm so tired of fighting, I'm so tired of everything. He's such a good aushna', such a good man, but I treat him like crap."

Lionel let Clark hold his hands tightly, and he squeezed them back. "Do not let my son guilt you into feeling like you treat him badly. Clark, you treat my son like a prince."

Clark let out a hard sob, silent and shaking as his face crumbled, and he set his forehead on Lionel's hands as he wept. He hated feeling like all he could do was walk around his life in a thick haze, breaking only long enough to break down, but here he was, sobbing silently, the only sound in the room his heaved breaths. "Fuck. Fuck."

Lionel sighed quietly and glared at Dominic over Clark's shoulder. "I'm going to have a little talk with Lex as soon as he shows his face back here again." He leaned over and rested his cheek on Clark's hair, just as he'd done to his son in his youth. "Don't cry, Clark. There's nothing to cry over, and there's nothing to be embarrassed over."

Dominic just... he winced from the doorway, flinching from foot to foot, until he entered. Alright. Jor-El had called him a teacher, and he was pretty sure he knew where sort of this was all coming from. So he sat down on the bed beside Clark and pet his shoulder gently, wincing again at his husband as Clark spoke.

"He didn't… he didn't do anything, Lex was right, there's nothing for him… I shouldn't be doing this, I shouldn't be... he said he feels bad for always being in the wrong, he's not in the wrong, not in the wrong, Lionel, I am, I fucked up, I can't help it."

"You are not fucked up, Clark." Lionel said it firmly. "You are, quite probably, the most sane man among us, and when you take into consideration the four of us, that is saying quite a lot." He didn't move his hands, but he did lean forward enough to pull Clark into an awkward hug. "You and I both know that in all likelihood, Lex is in the wrong, and will not admit it."

"Not, not wrong, not." Was all he whispered, as he squeezed his eyes shut. Fuck. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." he lifted his head and rubbed his eyes dry, hiccupping a sob and trying to breath around it. "I'm sorry for acting like this."

"Don't be sorry. At all." Lionel picked up one of the blankets and wrapped it around Clark's damp shoulders. "That is what we are here for." He made sure that it was snuggled tightly around the young man before he sat back. "Now... where did my idiot son go?"

"To swim." Quietly said. "Please. Don't go say anything to him. Please, Lionel. I don't want it to be like I'm sending you to do my dirty work."

"Oh, don't worry, Clark. I don't intend to go after the stupid boy. If he wants to come back with pneumonia, that is quite his own business. I'm quite tired of his foolishness and childishness, however, and won't stand for it any longer."

"Please, don't." Clark whispered, very softly, as he settled into the warmth. "Let us work it out. We have so much to work through, Lionel… we're so, so messed up."

"Dominic and I will help where we can." Lionel left Clark on the bed for a few moments as he opened the small closet, pulling out dry clothing--soft, worn jeans, and a flannel shirt, and a dry blue t-shirt. "Here... go and put these dry things on before you catch cold. And don't argue with me, young man, it's not good for you to sit about soaking. Dominic... do you think you could see if my son has the good sense to come in out of the rain?"

"Indeed I could, though darling, he is stubborn." Dominic said, quietly, though he tried to lighten the mood, and all he got was a sobby little laugh from Clark that made him wince and put his arms around the boy. "Come on now, Clark. It'll be fine, ducks, I swear. You and Lex are just having a bad row, don't be angry my love." Dominic squeezed him once more and climbed up to his feet. "Alright, I'm going to go bitch at the darling."

"D-Don't. Don't. Please," Clark begged it, softly, even as Lionel set the clothes in his lap. "Please, don't, he'll know I talked about it, and it'll be like the night you and Lex talked and Lex went to talk to Lionel and Lionel freaked out and broke the mirror and I don't want Lex to--"

"Breathe." Dominic soothed, gently. "Breathe, ducks."

"One of us is going to tell the brat to get his ass in out of the rain," Lionel said firmly, rubbing Clark's back as he sat down. "Because, quite frankly, I don't feel like nursing him through a round of illness, and I'm sure that you don't either. Now, I want you in a hot shower, or at least, in dry, warmer clothes, and we'll let Dominic fetch the brat in, what do you say?"

Clark's chin trembled again, as he lay his head on Lionel's shoulder. it was safe there, warm, and all of his misery just sort of clumped up in his throat like a rock, so he could barely croak around it. "He isn't a brat."

"Of course he's not." Dominic soothed again, even as he rose. "He's a spoiled brat. And indeed, I'll be back in a moment."

And with that, Dominic left the bedroom. He walked across the hall to his own room, the smell of sex still very deliciously evident, at least to himself. He yanked on the first pair of jeans he walked on, tugged them up his hips and buttoned them shut, before he pushed on a pair of socks and a pair of galoshes he'd brought just for weather like this. He tugged on his jacket, got the umbrella, and left the bedroom, trudging out towards the sun room. It was pouring like the heavens had opened up, a driving, cold rain, and he snagged the blanket off the back of the sun room sofa before opening the umbrella and stepping outside.

"Yes, Clark, he is a brat," Lionel said softly, rocking Clark gently against him.

Lex was down by the water. He'd found a convenient rock nearly thirty feet up from the surface, jutting out over the small cove and he'd climbed up to it, sometimes exercising his powers and boosting himself to it when he couldn't find a handhold. His clothing was soaking wet and had been discarded before he'd started diving, and his chest burned.

But his third lung was working. Lex took a deep breath, then dove off the tip of the rock, cut a clean somersault as he did, and cut through the salt water waves like a knife, and didn't surface.

Yeah. Well, the bloody friggin ass was swimming along, cheerful as could be in the driving storm. The incline from the house was five feet down to the water, but Lex had gone up the small hill and found a nice, tall place to jump from.

At least Dominic wasn't freaked out over heights.

Though he might as bloody well be.

"LEX!" He yelled, through the pouring rain.

Lex didn't surface immediately, dorsal lung inflating and deflating to keep him breathing as he cut under the water, studying the little creatures under the water, his own lithe body plowing through schools of silver fish as they darted to and fro.

Far too easy to forget things underwater, far too easy to lose himself in another world, and he only surfaced when he was forced to breathe, and he headed for the rock incline again, and he didn't hear a word over the rain and the wind.

"ALEXANDER J LUTHOR YOU GET YOUR BLOODY FUCKING ARSE BACK 'ERE OR I'LL HAVE YOUR DAMN HEAD!" Dominic bellowed, so loudly that the birds took flight from a nearby tree, and little did he know, but Clark jumped in the house.

Lex heard it, half in his ears and half in his head, and he climbed back up to his little precipice. "FUCK OFF AND DIE!" Lex bellowed in return, and dove off the rockface again and cut through the waves.

"Oh NO you don't, you little piss-ant!" Dominic cried back, as he threw down the umbrella and stomped to the incline, looking over the edge. "Get your fucking ass up here! NOW! Before you catch your death!"

Lex surfaced a few moments later, head bobbing against the waves. "Go back in the house, Dominic, I'll be in when I'm done!"

"No, you bloody well won't! Get in, now I say, or I'll be tellin' Gran just what you've been doing!" The threat sounded dumb, but the meaning behind it was strong and true, for Lex had to know of his dear old Granny's temper by now.

"Crystabel likes me!" Lex shot back, treading water as he yelled over the storm.

"And she likes me, but do ya think that matters to her at all?" Dominic yelled back. "She'll have your ass on a platter if you get sick on her watch, so do her good and come IN!"

"I'm trying to take a fucking swim, for Christ's sake! Leave me the fuck alone!" He ducked back under the water to swim to the edge, and started scrambling back up to his diving board.

"Oh, that's bloody great. Right fabulous, now isn't it? You're swimming' in fifty degree weather while its stormin' like Jesus found out about Mel Gibson's new movie. The bloody fuck is your problem? Get the hell in here before you freeze to death, instead of out there, mopin' like a big spoiled brat!"

Lex stalked down the rock to glare at Dominic. "I'm not moping. Nor am I freezing to death, nor am I likely to get sick. Not to mention the fact I have my clothes and my blanket sitting there to the side." Didn't give a single flying fuck that he was naked.

Dominic did, and he snarled like a wild horse as he thrust the thick wool blanket at him. "Put it on, for your nuts decide they're moving to Bermuda. For Christ's sake, you damn stupid kid. Get your bloody things and come with me."

Lex shoved the blanket back. "I can fucking well take care of myself. Go back inside before you get sick."

"Yeah, right. Because a man who can take care of himself is swimming in thirty degree water." Dominic shoved the blanket back. "Get in the house. Now. Prove me wrong, prove to me you aren't a spiteful little brat and GET in the damn HOUSE."

Lex snarled. "I'm not a brat. I'm not spiteful. I'm a fully grown person who is capable of making his own choices." He let the blanket fall onto the rock as he turned his back to Dominic and headed back for the end of the rock.

"Yes, of course you are. And you chose to fight with Clark, I nearly forgot. You chose to fight with your fiancé, despite knowing the fragile state of his mind. Of course. How could I forget? You can't look past yourself, Little Luthor, you can't see past yourself to see how fucked up your boyfriend is at the moment. Of course, that would be a grown up thing to do, and it was indeed your own choice." Dominic snarled, right back. "He thinks you hate him. Is that what you want? Your mate, your birthing mate, thinking you hate him, thinking you don't want him anymore? Hmm?"

"He's the one that wanted to leave," Lex shrugged. "If he wants to leave me, who am I to stand in the way of what he wants? It's my responsibility to give him anything he wants, and if leaving me is what it takes, then I'll give it to him."

"You know, Lex? Honestly? You're bloody brilliant. You are. But you canna see a damn thing in front of you, even if it were to cosh you about the brains."

"Fuck you too," Lex answered back, but it was without anger and rancor.

"No. No, fuck me too. You know quite well what I speak of." Dominic glared. "You know quite well you're both in the wrong, but licking at angry wounds won't solve anything. You love each other. Why, why do you persist to make such massive mistakes? Lex, dammit, you need counseling, and you need counseling as in, tomorrow, or even today, right this moment. Don't you see that?" He took a step forward, then, and didn't care if he'd get shoved off... he wrapped his arms tightly around Lex's freezing torso. "I love you so much I can barely breathe with it sometimes. He's your lover, Lex. Don't fuck it up. If you fuck it up everything we've built for our family will go to ruin, including yourself. Don't fuck it up. He's the best thing that's ever happened to you, and you he."

Lex wrapped his arms tightly around Dominic's shoulders. "He's the one who doesn't want me, Dominic. He's the one who's not happy with me anymore. Nothing I do is right, nothing, everything I do is wrong, and he's the one that doesn't want me. I love him, I love him so much, I don't know what I would do if he did leave, but if he has to, then I have to let him."

"I don't think so, not at all, my love. He wouldn't be in there, crying on my husband's shoulder in love for you if he wanted to leave." Dominic soothed, gently, and wrapped the wool blanket around Lex's shoulders even as he hugged, trying to warm the freezing skin on his young step son's body. "He loves you, very deeply, very desperately. Please, Lex."

"He doesn't," Lex said softly. "He doesn't. And I don't know why. I've done everything I can, and he just doesn't love me."

"Lex. Lex." Dominic gave him a quiet shake. "Use your link and look into him. See what he feels for you."

He shook his head, half in fear. "I can't. I don't want to know. I can't know for sure that he doesn't want me."

"Lex." Dominic whispered, quietly, hands on his step sons shoulders. "Look."

Lex just shook his head, and shivered, for the first time. "No."

It just made Dominic sad, and he looked down, nodding as he wrapped Lex up tighter, and grabbed the umbrella, lifting it up over there heads. His arm came around Lex's shoulder, his sons sopping clothes on his arm, and he led him across the squishing grass to the door.

Lex followed, but balked as soon as he got to the door. "No. I'll wait outside. I'm not... I can't."

Alright.

Dominic was cold. He was wet. He was tired.

He physically hefted Lex up, threw the umbrella and clothes in the sun room, and yanked Lex bodily into the house.

And Lex let out a shrill, piercing scream as he seemed to run headfirst into an immense wall of despair, and he shoved every single wall he owned in place around his head and his heart as soon as he felt it.

 

-fin-

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