The Memoirs

Clark's fingers untangled and wound instead with Lionel's, his shaking becoming that much more pronounced as he leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Lionel's chest, hugging him and burying his face in a tense shoulder.

Dominic nodded, quickly, clearing his throat softly as Clark grasped Lionel. He rose up to his feet to make room for his husband, side stepping over him as he did it in the small living room, and ran his fingers through his hair, tightly, as he walked down the hall. He rubbed the twin tears that slid down his face off, hard, before sliding into the bedroom that Lex was sitting in.

He looked at him, sitting there with his legs drawn in tight, and closed the door behind him. "Lex?"

Lionel cradled Clark against his shoulder, pulling him in and helping him back up onto the couch as he kept the young man's fingers twined through his and not through his hair.

Lex was still staring at the wall, but he blinked when Dominic came in. "What do you want?" His voice was gruff, his throat tight, and he blinked again.

"Lionel sent me in here. He said you wanted to talk to me." A thick rush of pride to his heart, amidst all the sadness, and he walked to the bed quietly. Settled down on the thick blankets beside his step son, and looked at him, for a long moment. "You can talk to me, you know."

"I know." Lex was quiet for a long moment, knees still tucked against his chest, and then he rubbed his cheek against the leg of his pants and cleared his throat. "I should have expected it. We'd... he and I, we'd been working down in my lab. Taking notes about him, looking inside of him. The ultrasound... it showed the little sac there. It showed that it was attached to his second stomach." Another sniffle, and another rub of his cheek against the knee of his pants. "I looked at the transcripts a few weeks ago. I even said that it looked like an amniotic sac." Hard swallow. "I should have known, when he started acting strange."

"Lex...my love, how could anyone? Really? We live in Smallville, beloved, the town of the pronounced weird. Say… say Lionel had some sort of crazy ass... thing that no one knew about but me. Say we'd studied him, you and I... say he and I had sex. How, Lex, how on God's green earth would I even have an inkling of a clue that he could possibly be pregnant? its beyond the scope of human imagining, beloved. Men don't procreate, women do. Its a deep down knowledge that we're aware of from the time we're born. We come from our mother. Clark didn't know Lex, Clark didn't know and it was his body. How could you have known?"

"Because I'm the fucking genius in the family, Dominic. I am. I'm the one with the huge IQ, the lab in the basement, Christ knows how many degrees, both finished and unfinished, I can create life from sperm and egg, and yet, I missed the one, vital clue that was right in front of me." He hugged his knees tighter. "It's my fault, Dominic. Even when he said he was feeling okay, I knew he wasn't. All through dinner that night, I knew, and I didn't make him go down to the lab. I should have. But he said he was okay, that it would pass, and I let him talk me out of it. I let him... I let him talk me out of saving our baby's life, and I can't forgive myself for not being vigilant."

Dominic gently touched Lex's shoulder, and turned him a little to look into his face. "You may be a genius. You may have a huge IQ, and a lab, a billion degrees, and enough money to live off of for the next five hundred years should you choose. But… you're not God, Lex." Dominic said it, very softly. "You don't know what's about to transpire, you don't know things like that. No one does. Beating yourself up for something out of your control makes no sense, Lex." A moment. "Suppose you did. Suppose you found that Clark was pregnant. Lex... you know nothing of his alien physiology, how things work, and why they do the things they do. If you'd penetrated the amniotic sac, you could have killed both your unborn son, and Clark. You could have wounded Clark to the point where he couldn't recover... it's in his back, Lex. You could have put him in a wheelchair for the rest of his life. You could have hurt your child. Even if you'd known, would you have taken that risk? Would you have risked the life of your aushna'?"

"We could have gone to the ship. We could have gone to the ship earlier, hoping to find some kind of records and found Jor-El. He could have told us what to do. We could have gone before my son died, instead of after."

"You, or Clark, didn't know Jor existed." Dominic quietly reminded. "I'll tell you what you would have done, because I know you. You would have watched Clark, made sure he didn't stress himself, and waited for the baby to be born." And he sat there for a moment, daring Lex to argue that.

"We didn't know, but we could have found him. We could have gone before the baby came. We could have, Dominic, he was there the whole time, the answer... the answer to everything we needed to know was there, and if I'd known about Clark, maybe we would have gone sooner."

"You didn't know the ship existed." Was all Dominic said. "Clark didn't know what was in it... he didn't know what was happening." He just… he shook his head, quietly. "Our lives are filled with what if's, Lex. But the path we take is always the right one, even if we don't think so. The path we take in our hearts is the right one, because it leads us to where we're supposed to be." It was all he could say, as his brows furrowed, and he gently pet Lex's leg.

Lex didn't say anything to that, just dashed his cheeks roughly against his knee to clear his eyes of his tears. "I didn't even know what to think. I was so frightened, when I felt him in the car, I was screaming, I knew something bad was happening because there was so much pain but when I got upstairs and saw him there, with the baby... I didn't know what to think. Didn't know he could, I didn't know, and it scared me. But it was my baby, he looked liked me, he was my son, and he died and I couldn't save him."

"I know you were." Dominic said softly, as he sat a little closer to him now, that Lex was really talking. "The baby looked like you. His nose. Definitely a Luthor nose, you can spot one a mile away." Quietly spoken. "No one knew he could. But he did… and he's just so young. He's so young, Lex. He isn't ready for children, not at all, not ready. But when he is... you'll know. And when he's pregnant… you'll know. And when he's going into labor and having contractions… you'll know. Because you'll be there, to help your lover bring your children into the world."

"What if it was my fault? Because I was so scared, so surprised, that I couldn't think to do anything to save him? What if I'd been able to think of a way but couldn't, because I was scared of my lover?"

"Scared of Clark?" Dominic asked softly, tipping his head. "I doubt you have it in you to be scared of Clark. But you were there... I was there. You heard what Clark said… Mar's lungs never formed. How could you save an infant child who didn't have lungs, Lex?"

"But I was," Lex confessed, and he couldn't look at Dominic. "I was scared of him when I walked in the door, because in that second, though he'll never, ever know this, in that second I saw him with my baby I realized how different he is, and no matter what I do, how hard I try, I'll never be able to understand everything. And it scared me, but when he put that baby boy in my arms... I loved Mar-El, so much, he was my baby, but I could have done something. I could have done CPR. Done a tracheotomy. Kept him breathing long enough to keep him alive and figured out... how to make him a pair of lungs, found a way to keep him alive, just for a few more days until I could have saved him."

Dominic's fingers gently touched Lex's shoulder. "You were frightened of how different he is Not of him. There's a difference there, Lex, and don't forget that. You will understand, because Clark will show you, and give you, and tell you, anything and everything you ever wish to know." Quieted, for a moment, as he thought. "Lex… CPR is useless on someone without lungs. A tracheotomy, as well. He was born with as you said... the third lung. Which seems to me like what he used to breathe amniotic fluid with." He looked at Lex, quietly. "Like an infant human being, their lungs, and the chambers of the heart, that change and flow in the opposite direction after they breathe. So you see... he isn't very different at all. Instead of having the capability we humans do, his people just have a whole other lung. But its that, Lex, from what Clark has told me--a back up, a spare. He couldn't have lived with just one." He paused. "And even if he could have… would you have let your child, born of your lovers body, suffer such an agony?"

Lex was rocking back and forth on the bed, hugging himself almost breakingly tight. "If it had meant I wouldn't lose him, I would have, for just a few days, and he would have been better then. He would have, Dominic. He would have."

"How, Lex? How could he have been better? How could you have built him lungs? A newborns body would reject such a thing. And even if you could have, he would have never lived a normal life. He would have been sickly and crippled, hardly alive, because he couldn't breathe. Do you understand me, Lex?" He looked at the rocking boy and felt in his heart that Lex was just that--a boy. "Would you have been so selfish as to cause your newborn baby such unbearable agony, showed him that there is pain before anything else, even before love?"

"He wouldn't have known that. He knew--he knew we loved him." He reached into his heart and stroked over the feeling that Clark had given him after Mar-El had died--the feeling that Mar-El had had upon seeing his fathers and knowing love. "It--it was all he knew, and if I could have made something, if I could have helped him, he wouldn't have been sick, he's like Clark, he wouldn't have been sick at all, if I just hadn't been so fucking helpless!!" His shoulders were aching from how tightly he was holding himself, and he was flinching with every word he said.

"You weren't helpless, Lex." Dominic, for all of Lex's movements and jerks, was carefully calm, sitting beside him. "You did something that life's lessons taught you… something I'm so incredibly proud of you for. You were at your son's side, holding him in your arms, as he died. Something you couldn't do with your mother, but something you could do with your son. He was alive for precious seconds, Lex. He was where he was supposed to be. In your arms, with the person who bore him and the person who gave him life. Two men, who love each other, and through that love, created the worlds miracle. A baby, so perfectly beautiful and innocent, who loved you both and of whom you loved. That's where he was supposed to be... not being cut into, torn into. He was supposed to be with you, my love." His fingers, very, very gently, moved over the tense shoulders and down Lex's back, his palm gently soothing his step son. "You loved him, and he you. There is no greater gift."

"Yes!! He was supposed to be with me, and he's NOT! He's not! And it's not fair!! It's not fair, I want my son, and it Clark wants him, and it just... it destroyed him, Dominic, you saw, but only saw half of it. I had to be strong, he needed me. I couldn't... I couldn't fail him too. I couldn't." He dropped his legs as Dominic touched him, and just leaned over, sobbing as hard as he could.

Dominic closed his own eyes and wrapped his arms around Lex's shaking body, hugging him into his body as his step son cried with such a force as he'd never seen from him. The gut-wrenching pain of a man losing his son, not a boy losing a particular treat, and maybe Dominic had been hasty in calling Lex a boy. "Life is never fair, beloved. Life is never fair. Not ever. Those who should have stayed with us are taken away, and those that are here with us should sometimes be taken. He was too good for this world, Lex." His fingers gently stroked Lex's back, his throat tightening as Lex cried. "But you didn't fail him, you see. That's where you're wrong. You didn't fail him… you loved him, Lex. Clark told me Mar could feel the love through the new link he'd begun when he was born. He could feel how you both loved him, Lex. Don't you see what a gift that is? What an immeasurable gift? You loved him before you knew anything about him."

"He was my son, that's all I had to know, he came from me and Clark." Lex's entire body shook with it. "But I did fail, I couldn't help him, I couldn't help Clark. I couldn't help anybody that mattered, I couldn't help my son." Hard guilt. "I had to bury him. Clark and I did, Clark covered him up, but couldn't finish it, couldn't cover his face, and I had to, I had to cover his face and put him in the ground and I hated it. I hated the whole world for taking my baby."

Fuck. Now it was Dominic's turn, to let his eyes lower and for his tears to dampen Lex's head as he pressed a kiss to the back of his stepson's head. "You didn't fail. You didn't fail him. You helped Clark, you saved his life. You did what you could, you did more than we all could." His throat was tight and hot. "I'm so sorry you had to bury him, but you know he's safe, and that even if he can't be with you, he's safe where he is. Clark told me he sees you from the place where all of his kinds dead go... that he can see you and look after you after death."

"He came back, you know that. Just for the day, he came back for me and Clark, to see us, to let us know he's okay. That's how we knew Dad had the kidney stone, Mar told us, when he came back. But he couldn't stay, and he left, and I couldn't find a way to keep him here." Still sobbing against Dominic and it felt like he couldn't stop. Everything inside of him was sobbing out. "I hate this. I hate all this, I hate he's gone, I hate that Clark and I are fighting and can't stop, I hate it all."

"I know you do." Dominic said, so softly. "I know you do, Lex. But I also know that its time to let that pain go, let the guilt go. You hate the world... we all do. Its a shitty place to live, a shitty place that kills innocent babies and lets murderers roam free. But you can't stop living because you've suffered an immeasurable loss and pain. You can't stop living, not for Clark, but for you. You have too much left to do, Lex."

"It's not worth it," Lex said softly. "It's not worth it if I can't have my son and my aushna' beside me. It's not. And I don't have either of them. Clark's there, but I don't know for how much longer, because it's so bad between us right now that he's going to leave. And it's not worth it, none of it, if he's not there, and if Mar's not there."

Alright. At that, Dominic had had enough, and he pushed Lex up and gave him a hard shake. "God damn you boy." Another shake, though not as hard. "Clark is not going to leave you. Why, why on earth would he be wanting more children with you, wanting his life with you, living in your home, sleeping in your bed, vowing his never ending love to you every day, linking with you in a meld of minds that got you interlaced, if he wanted to leave you? Eh? Why would he be trying his damnedest to link you together, intertwine your lives together, if he wanted to leave? Get it out of your head, you hear me? You take what your father said, and you take it hard. Just because you fight, even like its the end of the world, a relationship doesn't end. You fight because you fight, and you patch things up and move on. He loves you, and you love him. Just because Mar isn't here doesn't mean he doesn't love you. If he didn't, he wouldn't want more children with you, Lex."

"I've been trying to patch things up and it doesn't work." The shaking had cut his tears off in midstream, and he pulled his knees back up to his chest. "He doesn't want to leave, but he will. Everyone does. Mother did, Julian did, Dad did for a while and so did you, now Mar is gone and Clark's next." Each name put a rock in his stomach as he rocked on the bed. "Everybody leaves."

Dominic wanted, badly, to pinch his nose. Christ. Now he knew how Elaine felt. "It doesn't work because Clark wasn't ready to fix things and move on. He's still mourning for his child. He won't leave you, Lex. You're bonded, you're together. Your mother left because she was sick, and Julian left because he had SIDs. Your father left because he couldn't take anymore pain, and wanted to keep you safe from what he called his curse. Mar died because he didn't have lungs, but Clark. Won't. Leave. You, you have to trust that, if that's the one thing in your life you ever do."

"He won't even let me be there for him," Lex said softly, the yelling from earlier gone in favor of a quieter whisper.

"And you won't let him be there for you." Dominic gently reminded.

"I have to be there for him," Lex said, dragging his hand across his face. "I have to be strong so he doesn't always have to be."

"And what of you? Eh? Why won't you lean on him?" Asked softly, as he wrapped his arm around Lex's shoulders and hugged him close. "Why won't you lean on anyone?"

"Because if I do, it'll upset him more," Lex explained calmly. "It'll make him feel like he's being a bad aushna' and not taking care of me. So I have to be okay, for him, so he can be upset, and look to me to be strong for him when he needs it."

"Now that's quite a fucked up way of doing things, now isn't it?" Dominic looked at him, sideways. "I thought aushna' was a partnership. He helps you, and you him. Explain to him you need to lean on him for things, Lex. He's young, something which you haven't been in a very long time. Explain to him, Lex... teach him."

Lex shook his head. "It is, it is a partnership, but you see what all he's got on his mind right now, and I can't add to that. I can't be selfish and cause him more hurt."

"No. You can be honest, and share with him your pain, and show him he's not alone." Dominic said instead, quietly. "Its called group therapy. Couple therapy. After I was raped I went to counseling, group counseling, of things like this having happened to other men. And through it, I learned to cope, because I wasn't alone. Do you understand? Clark can't be alone, and neither can you."

"But he's not alone, Dominic, he's got me, if he'd just let me help, instead of getting angry with me all the time! That's what I'm here to do, I'm here to help him, to help him through these things, but he won't let me."

Dominic let his eyes close for a moment. "Why don't you tell him that, instead of me?"

"I do try. But he gets so angry with me. Accuses me of not understanding what he's there for. But I do understand, I do, God knows I do." Lex just left his head resting on his knees. "I understand that he's here for me, but he's so shattered, Dominic. He's so shattered, and I can't add to that. I have to help him, because it kills me to see him like this."

"Lex?" Dominic's fingers gently slid over Lex's back. "Have you thought maybe... he isn't angry with you, but angry at everything else? And because he is who he is, he can't take it out on his life. You're the only outlet he has." More gentle stroking.

Lex shrugged. "If he wants to, then that's okay with me. That's what I'm here for. I just... wish he'd tell me. Instead of raging at me for no reason. I don't... know if I can take much more of it, because now, every time he does, I just want to open myself up and let him see all the angry and hurt and sad and guilt that I'm holding onto by a thread and I know that if I do that it'll devastate him, and I hate myself for even thinking it. But God help me, I do."

"Lex… that's the problem. You don't ask him to tell you, and you don't tell him in return. You just soothe and tell him you love him, and everything's going to be alright. You put a temporary patch over things, so it makes the problem worse and worse every time it comes back." Gently said. "Why don't you just tell him these things? Be honest?"

"Because I don't want to hurt him." He rubbed his cheek on his knee, then turned his head to look at Dominic. "Because I don't know how much of my shit he can take with the plate full of his own that he's got to deal with. Because I'd rather he rage at me than at himself, because it kills me when he's angry or sad."

"It kills you, and yet, the problem doesn't get solved. In fact, it gets worse and worse, as the days go by." He sat there for a moment, thinking, as he watched his step son. "I think that if I were in his position, I'd like to know. I'd like for us to be on an even ground, where I knew I could trust him with everything, and he me. Id rather be sad, than always wonder if he was keeping things from me." He motioned with his head at the door. "Lionel did it to me, a lot, until I told him if he didn't stop I was leaving him. And it did. It stopped. He began to share things with me."

"I can't. You've seen Clark. You don't know how much this would kill him. How much he'd think he was a terrible mate for me, try to leave because he failed me. It's gone too far, Dominic, I can't let him know it. Because it would kill him. I have to be the one who's strong for him. I have to be. Because that's just the way it is."

A moments thought. "And I… think... that you underestimate your lover." But it was all he said, as he rubbed Lex's back, gently. "Make it right between you, Lex. Make it right. He's the rest of your life."

"That he is," Lex said in a trembling voice. "He is my life." He rubbed his cheek against his knee, and then curled up on the bed. "Is he still talking to Dad?"

"If you call crying and screaming talking." He said, softly, as he glanced up at the door. "Though the sounds stopped... I think he calmed." His throat was tight. "There's a lot of confusion and anger in him. The poor darling, I feel so badly for him."

"I do too," Lex said, just as quietly. "I feel bad for him too. But I don't know what else to do."

"Love him, Lex." Dominic pressed a tender kiss to Lex's bare head, and squeezed his shoulder, tightly. "All he needs is your love, and nothing more, darling. Come now… come with me. Now that you've calmed."

"He's always had that... it just hasn't been enough lately." But he sighed, and picked up his head from his knees, and blinked. "Are you sure it's all right to go out there?"

Dominic nodded, softly. "I believe so... stay here for a moment, mm? Let me go see." He rose from the bed swiftly, his knees giving dull creeks as he straightened, and slipped out of the bedroom. He padded silently through the chilly hall and out into the warm living room, peaking in carefully from the hall as he did it. "Lionel?" He whispered, softly.

Clark's head was on Lionel's lap, his legs drawn, and he was asleep, the tear tracks drying on his cheeks.

Lionel raised a finger to his lips. "He's asleep," he whispered back softly. "How's Lex?"

Dominic put his palm flat in the air and shook it both ways. "So-so. Weepy, but not blaming himself at the very moment." Whispered, as he stepped forward another step. "He wants to see Clark."

Lionel looked down at the boy in his lap. "Clark's much the same. Tell Lex that Clark's asleep, and he can see the young man when he wakes up." He kept his voice pitched softly.

"Alright, love." Yeah. Right. Cause that was going to go over so well. Dominic left them and padded back down the hall, keeping his footsteps light as he pushed open the bedroom door, and closed it a bit after him. "He's asleep, Lex."

Lex almost protested, then just nodded. "Okay." He pulled his feet back up on the bed and tucked them back under himself. "I'm glad he's resting."

Dominic sat down with him, too… then tugged him close, gave him a hug, and leaned back on the pillows, taking Lex with him. He didn't say anything, just flipped the TV on, and crossed his feet at the ankle, his arm around Lex's shoulders, holding him close to him as he watched.

Lex just rolled over and let his head lay against Dominic's shoulder. Didn't know what they were watching, actually didn't care, for once, because he wasn't paying a bit of attention. He just lay there, curled up beside his stepfather, and closed his eyes. He didn't go to sleep, at least not immediately, but instead went through his mind, picking out the best memories he had of him and Clark together, and playing them like a little movie reel behind his eyelids.

Dominic didn't say anything, either, just hugging him close, situating their bodies so it was comfortable, and kept right on flipping, looking for something that might hold his attention for more than a moment. He stopped, on American CNN, and set the remote beside him without a word, as his palm went to rest on his belly.

"You know, I just always wanted to do what was best for him," Lex said finally, after Dominic's channel flipping landed on a single channel.

"I know you have. I know he appreciates it, and appreciates you."

"I thought I was doing the right thing." He still hadn't opened his eyes, just watching the movies running in his head.

"You were. You just forgot he was raised by Jonathan Kent." Dominic said quietly, easily, as they talked about the weather in the US on the TV,

"No, I never forgot that," Lex said softly. I guess I just... didn't know what I was doing."

"You did everything right, Lex." Dominic spoke to the TV, as the silence of the house permeated down onto his weary bones. "You're wonderful. Clark has told me so. He loves you, and you love him."

Lex finally opened his eyes. "Then not to beat a dead horse, Dom... but what the hell did I do wrong?"

"You didn't. That's what I've been trying to tell you, my love. You didn't do a damn thing wrong, not in the slightest. These are just hard times. Its not you, and its not him... its the circumstances."

Lex turned onto his back, instead of his side, but still stayed close. "You don't understand. Part of the whole deal with being aushna' is that no matter what the circumstances are, aushna' make each other happy. And that means... since Clark isn't, I've done something wrong."

"Aushna' aren't much different than lovers, or soul mates, love, in the way I can see and feel it. And as a human being, speaking for my species, I can tell you this--you can be as attached and intertwined and linked as you want--things still won't be perfect. Perfect love doesn't exist, Lex, especially when a human being, and an alien raised as a human being, come together. It just doesn't work, love. Just because Clark isn't happy doesn't mean you did something wrong... you can't take it upon yourself to feel guilt every time he's had a bad day, or week, or month, whatever."

Lex nodded. "Yeah, I can, that's kind of the point."

"If you do that, Lex, I might as well dig you a hole in the family cemetery myself." Was all Dominic said, for a long moment. "I try and overcompensate, too. But it doesn't work, love. Take it from an old man, it doesn't work."

"If I don't, then who will?" Lex asked softly. "If I don't take care of Clark and try to make things right for him, who will? It's what I'm supposed to do; taking care of Clark is what I do. If I can't... then I don't have a role, a place."

Dominic was quiet, for a moment. "Lex...You can take care of him. But what you did today... that wasn't the right thing to do. Do you understand why?"

"No," he said honestly, because he just didn't get it. "Because it's part of taking care of him."

"No, Lex. Do you remember, when I was wounded many months ago, and Lionel decided it would be great fun to suffocate me? Do you remember what you said to him? He was de-balling me. He was taking away my masculinity and my pride, by constantly doing things for me, when I was a grown man who could take care of himself." He motioned a hand above them. "You did that to Clark today. You took away his masculinity by what you did. Lex... there's a fine line between caring for someone, and babying them. Don't baby Clark. He's a capable young man." He sideglanced, to make sure he hadn't hurt his sons feelings, and squeezed his shoulder gently. "Don't worry. its not you. I can say, for a fact, its a heredity thing."

Lex's eyebrows scrunched. "I don't... I don't usually get his food like that. But... it was right, right to do it, because he's been so angry and so upset, and that's what you do. To make things right, you take care of them even more. You fix everything you can, so they're not angry and upset anymore."

"Sometimes you do." Dominic said, very softly, as he looked down at his step son. His eyebrows were wrinkled, his mouth set, and he looked his age so much in that instant that Dominic gave his shoulders a tender squeeze. "Sometimes, though, its better to give those you love a bit of space, especially if they're in a testy mood."

Lex just shrugged. "He should have picked someone better," he finally said. "Even though it would have broken my heart to see him with someone else, he should have picked someone who wouldn't hurt him like this, who'd know what the hell to do for him."

"No. And you know that, as much as I." Came the quiet response. "You and Clark have been meant for one another for a long time, Lex. Do you think so little of him, and your love, that you'd wish him with someone else?"

"no, I think that much of him. I'd rather him be with someone who didn't hurt him, because I hate seeing him suffer like this." He tucked his legs up against his chest again, not quite realizing he was doing it.

"Oh, come off it." He waved a hand. "Please. Lex, you're still not understanding it. He doesn't ache for you. He aches for Mar."

"So do I," Lex admitted softly. "Every day. I just can't show it. But it's inside me, in my chest, my heart, my throat, like a rock, just sitting there until I push it back down and hide it for another day."

"And that's your mistake, Lex." Dominic said gently. "That's your mistake. Share it with your lover. That's what he's there for. Be selfish, and share your pain with him. He needs you to do that, Lex."

"But not when he can't handle his own!" Lex keened out quietly, rocking gently and trying to fight back tears.

"He can handle it if you share it with him. He can handle it if you're a united force, against it. You can handle it if you have your beloved next to you, guiding you across the way." Dominic insisted it, hard as he could, as he turned his head to look at Lex, wrapping his arms around him, tightly.

"But if I do, he'll never see me as strong enough to turn to ever again. He'll be so afraid of hurting me that he won't come to me. He'll just wait for me to break down again and again, and that's not good either."

"Lex...you have to trust your lover. You have to trust and take faith in him not to… you have to tell him its okay to be honest with you, and you with him. You haven't built anything if you can't have trust."

"I do trust him," Lex said. "And he does trust me. And he is honest with me, which is why I have to be strong, so I can help him. Then I can take care of myself later, once Clark is okay."

"Oh, shut it." Dominic made a face at him. "Tis just wind, coming out of your arse. You know I'm right, so shut the bloody hell up in trying to convince yourself otherwise. Lex... I've made a relationship. With your father. Have you not seen your father lately? He's fucking insane. But I've done it, and if I have done it, than I know a bit or two about how things work. And I'm tellin' you, truth is where its at the heart. Everything has to do with trust. That's a lesson hard learned, and hard relearned, let me tell you."

Lex just sniffled quietly. "Yeah. Dad is kind of off his rocker." Another quiet sniffle. "I just want everything to be good again, Dominic. That's all I want."

"Kind of?" Dominic blinked at him incredulously, but let it slide. "Indeed. I know you do. But blaming yourself, keeping things from Clark, isn't the way to go about it. Be honest with him. Without harsh words, without pain. Tell him what you feel. You'll find yourself surprised to know he'll feel the same."

Lex almost opened his mouth to protest again, but then closed it. Saying the same things over and over again weren't going to get him anywhere, so he just didn't say anything at all. "I wish he'd wake up."

"Yeah, right. So you could do what? Coddle him, tell him things will be alright, when neither you or he believe it? Productive." Dominic said, lightly.

Lex gave a guilty nod. "I just... want to make him feel better."

"He won't, until you get to the root. It'll just fester, and blow up, over and over and over."

Another soft little cry, and Lex tightened his grip on his knees. "I just don't know how to not hurt him."

Dominic gently, very gently, hugged him close, because the cry had torn at his soul, and he hugged Lex, close, gently. "Talk to him. Work through the pain, and once its over, once its done, it won't come back. Please Lex, you've got to understand and believe what I say."

"But I don't know if I can stand hurting him like this is going to. You don't understand, aushna' don't hurt each other. It's like the one cardinal rule." Another little agonized cry, and he scooched closer to Dominic and felt all of five years old again.

"But how are you hurting him, Lex? Are you calling him a heartless bastard? Are you telling him you don't love him anymore? Please, explain to me how talking to him is going to hurt him. Just because he'll be sad over what you say doesn't mean he'll hurt, Lex."

"No, he'll be sad, and he'll be angry at himself because he'll think he's bad, because he'll think he's done something to prove that I can't talk to him, and he hasn't. It's me, I'm just protecting him, and he'll think it's all his fault and that will hurt him!"

Dominic just...he looked at him, for a moment. "Lex, you find yourself agonizing over what could be, instead of talking to your boyfriend over what is. Another trait you inherited from your father."

Lex gave a little head shake. "He's done it before. Felt that way before. It's why I can't tell him now because I know how he'll react."

"You won't know unless you do. Talk to him, Lex, really, talk to him. You can't solve anything with what ifs and maybes." He nodded, quietly, as he looked down at him. "The human species wouldn't have evolved if man didn't talk to woman, and vice versa. And in our case, man to man."

Lex just nodded, and pulled himself up tighter. "I'll see how he's feeling when he wakes up."

Dominic nodded, and rubbed his sons back gently. "I know you'll do well, Lex. I know it. Luthors don't know how to fail."

A choked off little sob. "You'd be surprised at how often I do."

"Do you? I mean, really? You have a well fed, well clothed, well kept lover who adores you." But he didn't say anything else... he was talked out, and he let his eyes close for a moment.

As soon as Dominic's eyes closed, Lex rolled quietly out of bed, going into the bathroom and using the facilities. He quickly washed his hands, then looked at himself in the mirror. There were dark hollows under his eyes, his face was paler than usual, his expression was pinched and drawn together, and he was stained with slight tear tracks. Sighing, Lex bent over the sink to splash cold water on his face. He hissed softly as the icy water splashed against his skin, and then patted his face dry with the hand towel as he straightened to look at himself again.

Somehow, he managed to look five and fifty-five, all at the same time.

Dominic opened his eyes when Lex slid off the sheets, and he turned his head to look at the closed door. He listened as the water ran, a long, expelled breath, and rolled up to sitting, quietly.

Clark was standing at the door.

He didn't say a word. His face was marred with streaks of his own tears, his hair a mess, his clothes disheveled, and he truly looked like death. But Clark didn't mind, not any of it, as he nodded his thank you to Dominic, and crossed the bedroom to knock, quietly, on the door.

Lex jumped, as he stared in the mirror, and cleared his throat. "Come in." Knew who it was, couldn't help feeling it, and his fingers tightened briefly on the small countertop as he kept staring at himself in the mirror and trying not to hate who he saw.

Clark silently opened the door, and stepped in. He closed it behind him, quietly, without looking at his lover for a moment... and when he did, he wished he hadn't.

Reflected in the mirror were two destroyed men, corpselike and exhausted, and Clark took a step forward… then another, and not knowing if he'd be kicked away, not knowing if Lex didn't want him, he slid his arms around his lover's waist.

Lex silently reached behind himself, pulling Clark's arms tighter around his waist, and he closed his eyes as he leaned his head back against Clark's broad, strong shoulder. His hands slid through Clark's, squeezing their fingers tightly together, keeping his aushna's arms locked firmly around his waist. Tried to get his throat to work, and finally it did... but he didn't have anything to say at the moment. "Hey."

"Hi, Lex." Clark whispered, in the same strangled voice. His fingertips wound tightly through his lovers, his eyes falling closed. He pressed a very, very tender kiss to the back of Lex's shoulder, then the back of his head, and set his cheek on that same shoulder to close his eyes.

Lex's body trembled with small happiness at the soft kisses, and his grip tightened even further, if it were possible. "I'm so sad, baby, and I'm so sorry you're sad."

Clark's chin trembled, but he kept his eyes closed, as he listened to his lover. "I know." was all he said, softly, as he kissed the side of Lex's neck. "I know. We're both sad… but maybe we should be sad together. What do you think?"

Lex swallowed hard, as he held tightly to Clark's hands. "I don't... I don't want you to think that you can't... can't lean on me. Can't come to me, like you always do. That's what I'm here for."

"I know I can… but can you lean on me, too?" Clark asked in a hoarse whisper, his fingertips sliding over his lovers, their, wrapped around his waist. "I need to take care of you, too."

He opened his eyes at that question, looked at their devastated reflections in the mirror. "I can, I will, as long as it doesn't hurt you, or make you doubt how much I love you. As long as it doesn't make you think you're not the best aushna' in the world, because you are." Lex's eyes close again. "I can share, with you."

At that Clark let his eyes open, and he rose his face up and his hand, as well, to gently turn Lex's face with his thumb, so they were looking at one another, face to face. "Promise me you will."

Lex nodded, and looked his lover in the eye. "I promise. I promise I will." He turned his head just enough to put a little kiss on Clark's thumb.

"Then tell me. Tell me, everything, and I promise that no matter what, I won't be angry, and I won't get hurt. I promise you... because I know you love me." His fingertips slid over his lover's face. "I love you, my Lex, my AJ. You're the love of my life."

Lex turned completely around and wrapped his own arms around Clark's waist and squeezed hard. "I love you, my Clark Kal-El. I think... I think you're the only person I could ever have loved. I think everything in my life was done to point me towards you." He squeezed tightly. "Let's... find someplace other than the bathroom to talk?" he asked softly. "Unless you want to stay in here and sit o the cold floor."

For the first time since they reached Ireland, Clark smiled. Couldn't help it, even if it was a ghost of one, and he squeezed Lex's fingers gently as he nodded and brought them to his lips. "Wherever you want to. Wherever you're comfortable."

Lex tightened his grip on Clark. "Right here. Is where I'm comfortable," he said honestly. "It doesn't really matter where else we are, as long as I'm right here."

Clark nodded, pressed his lips to Lex's temple, and took his hand. The bathroom door swung easily open to show the bedroom empty, the door slightly ajar, and Clark gave thanks for small miracles. "Get dressed. There's a neat coffee place Lionel showed me on our way home… we can go there. Unless you want to stay in?"

Lex nodded. "Stay inside. Because I don't... don't want to make a public scene, though I don't know if I really care at this point." His hand stayed firmly inside his lover's, and he kissed the back of Clark's shoulder. "Coffee would be good."

Like Dominic didn't already have it going. He'd leapt out of the room as soon as Clark had disappeared into the bathroom and gotten his lover to help him get coffee started. He'd warmed it, brewed it, put fresh milk in the milk cup, and set it out in the living room. "Lionel, we've to make ourselves scarce."

Lionel just nodded as he fed more wood into the fire, keeping it roaring so that it warmed the entire large room. "Yes, we do. But not too far, in case we're needed." He got up from his crouch in front of the fireplace. "Let's take the car into town; we can go to the antique dealer and see what he has, anything new that we need, and we've still got to find a gown for Felicia."

"Alright." Dominic tugged the cell phone out of his back pocket, turned it on, made sure it was set, and set it, ever so carefully, on the living room coffee table. "You've got yours, right? We can call and check up on them in a bit. Come now, lets get some clothes on and--hello, Clark, Lex." Dominic smiled, gently, as the both of them entered, hand in hand. "Your father and I were just talking about the errands we're going to go run."

Lex gave a little nod, and squeezed Clark's hand tightly. "Okay." He gave a little smile. "And thank you."

Lionel looked at his son, who looked like death warmed over, and then looked at Clark, who looked the same, if not worse. "We're going into town and looking for Felicia's wedding dress, and there's a few other things we need to pick up from the antiquary and possibly the pet store." He looked back at his son. "Dominic and I both have our phones; Lex, I assume you have yours?" Quiet nod from his son, and Lionel continued. "Call us if you need us before we get back."

"I'm to leave mine, just in case." Dominic nodded, and motioned to it on the coffee table. "In case yours doesn't work in Ireland. Alright? If you need anythin' at all, you know where we'll be. We're going to get some clothes on... there are some sandwiches in the fridge if you get hungry, aye? Since you've yet to eat today." Third time's the charm, Dominic thought ruefully. "I'm going to go get dressed."

Clark watched Dominic slip out before his eyes returned to Lionel, in thank you, as his fingers wound tighter with Lex's. "Thank you, both."

Lionel gave a nod of his head in acknowledgement. "You're welcome, Clark. We both want what is best for the both of you, and we'll do what we can to make sure you stay happy." He held out his hand to Clark. "Be happy, Clark. Remember what I told you."

Clark nodded tightly and took his hand, squeezing it, before tugging him into a tight hug, between himself and Lex.

If his actions were pointed, he never let on.

Lionel was slightly surprised to be pulled into the hug, but he hugged Clark back tightly, and then nearly jumped out of his skin again when arms wrapped around him from behind as well.

Lex hugged his father as tightly as he could, resting his cheek on Lionel's shoulder. "Thank you, Dad. Thank you for helping Clark. Thank you."

Lionel was stunned. "You're welcome, son."

Clark had known it'd happen so he just hugged all the tighter before letting go, and let himself swallow against the lump in his throat. "We're going to talk. Really... really talk."

"It's about bloody time." As Clark let go, Lionel turned around and fully embraced his son, and then handed him over to Clark. "Take good care of my son, Clark." Then Lionel took Lex's chin in his hand, and made the young man look at him. "And you, Lex... take good care of Clark. Or you'll both answer to me."

Clark nodded, though his eyes widened at the threat, cause Clark didn't think he was joking. He wound his fingers, tightly, with Lex, and tugged him close again away from Lionel, wrapping his arms protectively around him. "I'll take care of him. I promise." He said, softly.

"He isn't joking," Lex confirmed, as he felt the little shock through Clark's thoughts. "He's worried about us." His own arms tightened around Clark, and he straightened up, to his full height. "Don't worry, Dad. We'll take care of each other. I promise, too."

"No, I'm not joking." Lionel was actually deadly serious. "And I know you will, Lex. I trust both of your promises. I don't expect miracles, but I do hope to see progress when we get back." He looked down at himself. "And I need to change too; make sure you both eat and drink something warm, and Lex? If, by some Godforsaken chance, you do start to feel sick because of that idiotic stunt you pulled this morning, tell me. I'll make sure you're taken to the doctor. Do you understand me?" Lionel's voice was serious, and firm.

"Yes, sir." Lex just nodded against Clark's shoulder.

Clark nodded, too, and very pointedly turned away, to protect his aushna' from the stern words, a frown on his face as he brought Lex closer. "I will protect him. I will make sure he's taken care of." Clark said, again, making sure Lionel understood, before tucking Lex in and walking him towards the kitchen.

Lionel gave a satisfied nod at that, at let just the barest ghost of a smile come over his face. That was the Clark he was most used to seeing, and nodded again at Clark. "I know you will, son." He disappeared down the hallway, and into his own bedroom.

Lex just stayed quietly tight against Clark's side, holding him and hugging him. "If you'll get the coffee cups out and the coffee poured, I'll set out the sandwiches?" Lex offered softly, hoping that it would be an acceptable compromise, to do it together.

Clark nodded, though he didn't let go as they entered the kitchen. His fingers roved unconsciously down his lover's back, over his front, down his crotch and legs, to make sure his lover was whole, and growled softly in his throat before wrapping his arms tightly around his lover's back and hugging him close to his body.

"I'm okay," Lex whispered reassuringly as Clark held him close. "I'm going to be okay with you to help me," he amended. "We are going to be okay." He stroked over Clark's back, over his shoulders, down over his ass, and back up to his shoulders. "It's okay; we're going to be all right."

"He will not take care of you. I will take care of you." Growled, deeply, and all but baring his teeth at the hallway Lionel had disappeared into as his fingers stroked over his lovers body, making absolutely positive he was safe, before holding him close. "I am your aushna', I will keep you safe.'

Lex shivered in pleasure at that. "Dad is just being Dad," Lex whispered softly. "I trust you to keep me safe, I trust you to take care of me." His body sang softly in happiness as Clark stroked over him, checking him and making sure he was all right. "You are my aushna'. I trust you in all things." His own fingers rose to stroke over Clark's cheeks.

"He will not take care of you." Was all Clark said again, quietly, as he pressed his lips to his loves cheeks, then his lips, bringing him close to his body after the soft stroke of lips. "They're going to go soon. Are you hungry, aushna'?"

Lex nodded. "Just a little; I don't know that I can eat much without being sick, though." His stomach rolled slightly even as he spoke. "I'd rather just have coffee." Actually, he wanted brandy. But wouldn't let himself slide behind the safe curtain of alcohol.

"You will eat." Clark said, in an almost commanding voice, as he let go of his aushna', with another wary glance at the hallway beyond the living room, and opened the big fridge for the plate Dominic had said was there, piled with sandwiches. "You will eat, and you will drink, to keep up your strength."

Lex glared, at that. "Only if you eat too. I won't have my aushna' hungry."

"Yes, I will." Clark glared back, his most dominant glare, and growled low in his throat. "Do not challenge me, aushna'."

Lex growled back. "I am not challenging yet. But you will eat. We must both be strong." He was glaring back, just as dominantly, and just as angrily.

Clark did, too, in that moment, losing his resolve and his pride as his lover took his face and looked in his eyes, and Clark brought their foreheads together, gently. "Forgive your aushna'. He doesn't know what he's doing."

Lex kissed him softly. "Neither of us know. We've both lost our ways, aushna', but we'll find the path again, together." His thumbs stroked over Clark's cheeks gently. "You will take care of me, I'll take care of you, and we'll both have sandwiches and..." He turned to peer into the fridge, and made a little face. "Milk."

Clark made a face, too, looking down at the roasted BLT's, and then at the milk. "Your dad told me not to drink the water. It gave him the runs… its too different from ours."

"Yeah, Dom told me that too, and wasn't that more information than I needed to know! Dumb asses, I told them to bring bottled water from the States, but of course I don't know what I'm talking about." Little growl. "For one meal, I can tolerate milk."

"Why don't you like it?" Clark asked, looking at his lover crookedly as he set the plate on the counter top, and took out the glass jar from the fridge, the milk inside of it thick and different from the milk Clark usually drank.

"I don't know, really. It's just... not my favorite thing to drink. I loved it when I was five. Now? I'd rather have iced tea, or a glass of brandy." He shrugged, and got down two plates from the cabinet over the sink, and set the white china down beside the glasses. "I mean... honestly, Clark. Do I look like a milk drinker to you?"

Clark prodded his lover's side with a fingertip… got skin and bones. Did the same to his back... same. His butt… well, his butt was a fleshy, firm little thing of goodness, so Clark poked his lover's shoulder blade. "Nope. Skin… bones... no calcium here, folks."

Lex just rolled his eyes a little. "Smartass." He sighed. "You're the poster child for the Milk... it does a body good campaign, you know that?" He picked up the tall bottle that Clark had set out, and poured two large glasses. "How much you want to bet this hasn't been pasteurized or homogenized? It's gone straight from the cow to the bottle."

Clark took the glass bottle from his lover, and sniffed at it. "It's too thick to have been homogenized, actually." Another sniff, and he nodded. "But its been strained and cleaned. And I think watered down a little, so it isn't so thick." And handed it back to Lex.

Lex gave a full body shudder as he set the glass bottle back in the fridge. "So says my resident farmboy expert."

Clark made a face. "I drank milk straight from the cow, and since then, I've got one easy to follow rule. I don't drink the milk when its still warm. In fact, I don't drink the milk until several days after it was once warm. I've milked enough cows in my life to know that." Another shudder. "Did you know if you don't milk a cow, they can get sick and die?"

Lex blinked. "No, I don't think I knew that." He set the full glasses on the table, and then moved the sandwich platter onto the table too. "Grab the plates, will you?" Lex sat down at the little table, and pushed his milk glass a little further away from his plate, and examined the pile of sandwiches. "Though, I have to say, I'm not surprised. What, do they drown in the milk?"

"Well, by the time the milk reaches the udder, its been through her teats and everything, to feed her young. The extra is where milk comes from, basically. But if you don't milk her, and she's nursing, the cow can get raging infections, udder problems, and ultimately, die from it. Cow bodies weren't made to withstand as much as we'd bred them to withstand, so its a problem milking them." A heaved sigh. He'd milked enough cows in his life to fill three states. He grasped the plates and walked after his lover to the table.

Lex blinked again, and he used his foot to kick Clark's chair out for him to sit down in. "And that's possibly more than I ever wanted to know about cows."

Clark grinned, softly. "Its true. My mom makes butter from the cream that rises from the milk, though… best thing you ever tasted in your life." Another quiet smile as he plunked down, and took one of the many sandwiches... stopped, and blinked at the pile. "Is it me, or does Dominic mama hen when he wants to?"

"It's not you." Lex put his head down on the table, and blinked at his lover over the HUGE plate of sandwiches. "He mama hens like there's no tomorrow."

Clark grinned at him again, rubbing his shoulder against the side of his face. "He's gonna be a really cool dad." He said, conversationally, and realized as he did it that they were avoiding what they should have been talking about.

"Yeah, he will be a good dad." He caught the thought, and shook his head gently. "We're not avoiding; just waiting for them to leave."

"They're listening to us, you know." Clark said lightly, as he bit into the crunchy sandwich and sighed with the pleasure of it.

"Yeah, I know. They're making sure we don't kill each other before they leave," he answered, just as lightly, and he picked the smallest sandwich up off the plate. "Christ, you'd think Dom thought we're pigs."

"I've been known to eat through trees." Clark answered, as he chewed and took another huge bite, washing it down with a swallow of the thick milk.

"I remember something about consuming a peach orchard once." He gave a little shudder as Clark drank the thick milk, but picked up his own sandwich and nibbled at the crispy bacon.

"Lex? This stuff?" Clark raised the glass. "Is seriously thick. Don't drink it, kay?" Mid chew, he nodded and rose up, going back into the fridge and returning with a Pepsi, which he handed to his lover. "Drink."

"Don't worry, I don't intend to." He pushed the glass all the way over to Clark's side of the table, and accepted the Pepsi gratefully. "Ah. Thank you." He unscrewed the bottle cap carefully, and took a drink of the carbonated soft drink. "Much better, much much better."

Clark smiled, quietly, and looked back down at his plate, as he picked up his sandwich again and kept crunching through it.

Dominic came through the hall, in that moment, shrugging into his coat as he walked, keys in hand. "Alright, laddies! We're off." He poked his head into the kitchen… looking for blood. Found none, and nodded to himself. "We'll be back in a bit of time, eh? If you need us, call us."

Lex paused in mid-sip of his drink. "We will, Dom. Thanks for the sandwiches. We'll call if we need you."

Lionel was close on his lover's heels, and he just glared at the two, before giving them a little smile. "Have a good lunch. And, take care of each other."

Clark nodded, forced his own smile even if anger leapt up at the words, and waved. "See you guys later."

Lionel returned the wave, hustled his lover out the door, and made sure that it locked behind them.

As soon as the door was shut, Lex put his sandwich down, got up from his chair, and went around to Clark's side of the table, crawling into his lap and resting his head on Clark's shoulders. "Sssh. Nobody will take me. Nobody will care for me but you."

Clark was vibrating with anger, shaking as his lover slid into his lap, and he wound his arms tightly around him. Protectively, carefully, holding him close and refusing to let go as he set his head on Lex's chest. "You are mine to care for. I haven't taken good care of you. I'm sorry."

"You've taken wonderful care of me, Clark." Lex kissed Clark's ear softly. "You have been a wonderful aushna'. I have dishonored you by not letting you care for me, the way I've cared for you. I'm sorry; forgive me."

Clark squeezed him, tightly close, and set his head on his lovers shoulder now, so he could look up at him. "You do not dishonor me. You make me sad, because I know you hurt… but you don't tell me why you do. I want you to talk to me, like I can talk to you... so I can know you, like you know me."

"I do hurt," Lex admitted softly. "I do hurt; I am sad. But I thought that I couldn't tell you these things, because you would blame yourself, for not being a good aushna'. Because I thought you wouldn't be able to look at me as your strength, which I need you to do."

"I would...be able to look at you as my strength, if I know why, and how, an d for what reasons, you were strong, Kenep." Clark murmured, very gently, and squeezed his lover softly close. "I have been... I have tried to mourn, tried to be sad, for a long time. But I couldn't. No one would let me, our lives wouldn't let me. I tried not to think about it, but it came back, over and over. I dreamed of our baby so many times. I... I miss him, Lex. I miss my nam'en. Our nam'en."

"I miss our nam'en too," Lex choked out softly, his eyes closed tightly as he left his head on Clark's shoulder. "I miss him so much, it aches inside, every day." He brought one hand up to rest against Clark's chest, where Lex's heart would be in his own. "Here. It hurts here, so much. And every day I had to push it down and go on."

Clark's chin was trembling, hard, his eyes filled as he looked at his shaking aushna'. "He was beautiful, Lex. Very beautiful. He was so innocent… we never knew him." He repeated something he'd caught a wisp of Dominic's thoughts, and whispered, "God thought he was too beautiful, and took him back with the angels. No way could a creature as wonderful as he was be on an earth as destructive and evil as this one."

"It's not fair," Lex said softly. "He could have made this world such a better place, just by being in it. It's not fair that he was taken. It's just not fair." He was shocked and horrified to find himself sobbing quietly, again, but he did.

Clark held his lover, tightly close to his body, and lifted up from the table. He carried him through the small kitchen, into the small living room, and sat down on the couch with Lex still in his lap. He held him though, tightly, carefully as he cried, and let his own tears slide down and mingle with his aushna's. "Its not fair, at all."

"No, it's not." Lex clung tightly as they moved, and he didn't let go, not even when Clark had settled down on the couch. "It's not fair, and I want my baby back. And I know I'll never have him. And I hate my Dad, and I hate Dominic, and I hate your mom and dad, I hate Toni, and I even hate Chloe and Whitney, I hate them all because they will get to have their children, and part of me is so glad they'll never know what it's like, and the other part of me just hates them because they won't."

"They won't." Clark whispered, but he had no goods of reassurance. He knew it was the truth, because he felt the same, and he gave a hard little sob at that as he squeezed his eyes shut and grasped Lex all the tighter. "No one to take care of, Lex. No baby to take care of."

"Just ourselves," Lex whispered softly, clutching tightly at Clark. "Just us. And I'm sorry. Because I know it's my fault. I don't know how. But it's my fault, because it can't be you. It won't be you, it can't be your fault, you're too good, you're the best, and you weren't being punished for anything. I was. Because I'm a Luthor, and because of all the things I've done, and I'm sorry, Clark, I'm so sorry that cost us our baby."

Clark opened his eyes, then, and softly shook his head, as his hand came up to stroke over the side of Lex's face. His tear streaks matched Clark's, and Clark's voice was husky and heavy as he spoke. "It wasn't your fault, aushna'. It wasn't mine, either. It just happened, because... I don't know because. It just did. We weren't being punished, Kenep."

Lex nodded. "We were, because I can't think of any other reason why that perfect little boy had to die before he could even live," Lex choked out throatily.

Clark shook his head, softly, against his lovers neck, and let his eyes close as he spoke. His fingertips moved over slender shoulders, a long back, and caressed gently as he held him. "We weren't, aushna'. We weren't being punished for loving each other, for having a relationship, for the bad things we did before we came to be together. We are aushna'. We are strong, and good, and do the right thing, Lex." Clark whispered it, quietly. "We cannot stop living."

Lex nodded his acceptance of what Clark was saying, even though he knew it would take a while longer until he believed it. "I don't want to stop living, I have you, you're my life, but how... how can we go on with our baby in the ground? I covered up his face, I put my baby in the ground, and how can I live with that?" It was all coming out, whether he wanted it to or not, all the things he'd asked Dominic.

Clark held his lover, his boyfriend, his soul mate, carefully in his arms, all awkward male limbs working with one another's as they'd been meant to. All of Clark's curves fit to Lex's angles, and Clark's angles to Lex's curves. They fit, like puzzle pieces, and Clark's fingers stroked over his lovers neck as he shared that feeling of belonging with him. "We will live with it, Lex, because even though... his body is gone to us, his soul is alive. We saw it… he came to us. He told us he is in the Other, Lex... he is safe, with my mother, and my father, and all of our people. He is safe, as all of the children that come from us will be. For us, for our people, life doesn't end with death. Its just a new beginning, my love." He pressed his lips to Lex's temple, then to the corner of a trembling mouth, and felt his throat go tight as he gently cupped Lex's jaw. "We will have more children. And he will rejoice in it."

Lex just curled up tightly around Clark and held even harder. "I know we will, Clark, we'll have many more children, but this... he was our baby, our son, our firstborn. He... he was so tiny, and he... he didn't have a brother and he was supposed to, your father said so, and he was..." Lex's words broke off as he buried his face in Clark's shoulder again and sobbed.

The resolve Clark had been holding onto cracked, and he gave his own keening sound of agony as the tears welled and spilled down his cheeks. He wound his arms, tightly, around Lex's shoulders and held him, rocking him as Lex wept, and Clark wept, and their sobs intermingled and intermixed into this own painful thing that had his throat constricting painfully. "He was alone, aushna', I know, alone, but I couldn't… I couldn't help that, I couldn't..."

Lex shook his head and tried to choke out words, but he couldn't, not for a long moment. He just sobbed against Clark's shoulders, fingers gripping his aushna's sweater tightly in his fists, gulping in huge breaths of air until he could force the words out. "No, I don't blame you, not at all, it wasn't your fault he was alone, it wasn't, don't blame yourself, please... don't." His fingers scrabbled briefly against Clark's chest as he pulled his lover close to him. "It's not, I don't blame you, it's not."

Lex's arms around him, when they scraped up and around to anchor tightly around him had Clark holding back, really holding back, accepting his lover's burden, and letting Lex accept his. "I k-know, I know, my dad… my dad, he told me so. But I can't... can't help feeling... I co-could have done? Done more? Done something for him? Done anything for him."

"I know." Lex's throat was unbelievably tight. "I know, baby, I know. I was so scared, when I came into the room, so scared when I saw you and the blood, and the baby, the baby, and I didn't know what was happening, only that he had to be my baby, and I loved him so much, and what if, Clark, what if I could have figured out something in those seconds, and I was too scared to do it?"

Clark shook his head, softly, as he rubbed the tears from Lex's face, even if they kept getting replaced. He stroked them away with his thumbs, choking on his grief, and whispered, "I'm superhuman, I have powers, I can run, jump, shoot fire from my eyes and ice from my mouth, and fly… and I couldn't save him, Lex. If I couldn't, if I, with all my powers, couldn't... then no o-one could."

"But I'm his father," Lex choked out. "I'm his father, and they're supposed to fix everything. They're supposed to have all the answers. And I didn't. I didn't have this answer for my baby."

"I'm his father, too." Clark grit out, as he kept rubbing his lover's face, horrified by the tears that kept falling, and he grasped Lex all the tighter, winding his arms around him again for a tight hug. "I'm his dad too. We couldn't, Lex... we couldn't. We're not God."

"Then what is the use of being a Luthor? What's the point of having... having the money, and the houses, and the power, and all the useless bullshit that goes along with it if I can't save... one little, precious life?" He clung tightly to Clark, squeezing hard. "What's the use?"

"There's no answer for me to give you, Lex… no answer. Except you created that precious life. He wouldn't have made it into the world, even for… for a few seconds, if you hadn't given him life. We... we were just... not ready. Me... too young. Too young to carry properly, too young to understand. If… if it would have been later, I would have figured it out. Too young, Lex. Didn't know... too young. We lost him because we didn't know."

"I should have known," Lex said softly, clinging to the last line of rationalization that he'd been holding onto all along. "I should have. Because we were in the lab, doing the exams and the tests. I saw the sac, I saw what it was similar to, and I should have known it was a possibility. And I didn't. And I'm sorry."

"I should have known, too, Lex." Clark whispered, softly, as his fingers slid over his lover's bare head, and cradled the back, to set their foreheads together. "But we didn't. We couldn't. Its not... we just didn't know. We didn't know baby, but now we do. Now we know."

"Too late to save him," Lex said softly.

"Too late to save him... but not too late to save the babies that will come." Clark whispered, softly, and he gave a wracking tremble, all over his body, as his fingers shook against his lovers skin. "It won't be too late to save me some of the pain." It haunted him, even now, the glimpses, the half feelings of phantom agonies. It had been the worst three days of his life, a time when he'd been so aware of his body he couldn't stop feeling pain, so full of so much pain.

Lex tightened his grip on Clark at the mention of the pain. "I'll be there for you during the next time," Lex promised softly. "You won't hurt like that, ever again. I won't allow it."

Clark let his eyes lower for a moment, as he gave his lover just a soft glimpse, a ghost of a glance, at what it was like. "It hurt so bad. It hurt so, so bad. When he was ripping through me... it felt like my body was splitting. It wasn't supposed to be that way, he should have never had to push through. He shouldn't have." He trembled, then, and lay his head on Lex's shoulder. "And afterwards. My body was full of... of milk, for him, it... it was waiting to give it to him." He brought Lex's hand up to the spot, on his chest, below his collar bone but above his nipple. "And it was just... it was there, but it wouldn't... go away."

Lex nodded, fiercely. "I remember." His fingertips rubbed the spot that Clark had brought his hand to. "I remember thinking, when I was drinking it, that if you had grown up to become this on human food, what an amazing boy our son would have been, raised on that." He massaged the little spot gently. "I still remember the taste."

Clark's chin trembled, tightly, as he sniffled absently, his nose running, eyes still tearing and red, throat sticky and hot from crying. "It was for our son. If he'd lived, Lex. I knew, when I had him in my arms, when he was born and slippery and wet, I knew he was beyond any nourishment my body could give. I never… I never said anything to you, until later, because... because you were so sad. I didn't want to make it worse."

"Nothing could have made it worse than it was." He held Clark tightly to him, pressing a little kiss to the spot where he'd suckled their child's milk from Clark's body. "Nothing could have. I was just glad to do this, to be able to help you in some way, no matter how little." His hands tightened on Clark's. "I'm sorry, too, that I shut you out, the first few days. But I had to, I had to get myself under control, so I could help you. I think that's... I think that's where I fucked up and hurt you the most."

"I think that's where I hurt you." Clark whispered, softly, eyes lowering as he brought Lex closer. "I didn't let you in… I didn't let you help me. I didn't help you in any way… I was so absorbed in my own pain that I didn't think of you like I should have. But then… I did, and everything I felt got swallowed. My precious aushna', how you've suffered." he whispered, fingers sliding over his bare skull.

"We both suffered," Lex said softly, turning his head softly to feel the gentle strokes over his head. "We both suffered more than we ever should have had to." He closed his eyes and tried to stop the tears, but he couldn't. Didn't think he'd ever have tears left in him to cry after this day. "Because we were both stupid and tried to protect each other from ourselves. Something you told me at the very, very first of our relationship that we'd never need to do. We don't need protection, Lex, not from each other, that's not how it works. You told me that. And I didn't believe it until this second."

Clark's chin trembled, his face crumbled.

Lex finally understood.

He gave a short sound and wound his arms around his lover, rocking him tightly. He finally understood. Finally understood, finally understood, and he let out a choked sound into his shoulder as he did it.

Lex jerked his head up at the choked off sound, and then made a little squeak of his own as Clark held him so tightly, and Lex just squeezed in return. His hands came up to bring Clark's face to his, foreheads resting together as he stroked Clark's cheeks dry, feeling new wetness tumbling down to take it's place as he did, and just held his aushna' close.

"You understand, aushna', you understand, you understand, finally, you know, you know," Clark whispered in a trembling, soft voice against his lover's shoulder, aching in tension and sadness, but also... also in something different, in something good. "Promise me, Lex. We'll give Mar-El brothers and sisters, and love them as we never got to love him."

"I promise, Clark. "We'll give him brothers and sisters, as many as we can, and we'll love them, and give them everything he never got to have." He rubbed his cheek against Clark's as their foreheads slid apart, and he laid his chin on Clark's shoulder. "We'll love them, and give them everything, including siblings."

"Everything. We'll do it right… we'll make it right, so they won't be born in fear." Clark whispered, hoarsely, eyes closed for a few long moments as he held his lover in his arms. "I love you, aushna'. I love you, so much. I love you."

Lex nodded. "No fear. Just... just love." He stroked Clark's back soothingly, holding him tightly, kissing his face delicately. "I love you, Clark, with all that's in me."

"I love you, Lex, with all that's in me." Clark repeated, softly, and slumped now, against the cushions, Lex in his arms. All the tension he felt flowed out and he closed his eyes, a knot still sitting in his throat, though he could breath against it as he tried to rest for a moment.

Lex's hands roved over Clark's shoulders and arms, rubbing gently at the tired limbs, too long stiff from tension, and in his mind, without even being aware of it, he remembered a lullaby that his mother had sang to him and to Julian, even when he was too old for such things. She'd still sung it to him, and he had felt so loved, so comforted, no matter how tired, scared or upset he'd been, and without even a conscious thought, the lullaby in his mother's voice started playing in his head, as he tried to soothe his lover's body by touch. "You're so tired," Lex keened softly. "I'm sorry I've kept you from rest."

Clark shook his head, quietly, and tugged Lex onto him, leaning against him, and rolled the rest of the way laying on the couch. He put his feet over the end of the couch and tucked Lex into his arms, carefully, softly, tugging the quilt from the back of the couch over his aushna', and cradled him in, gently, closely, to his body. "You're tired, too. I'm just drained, Lex. Just drained." He reached out and snagged one of the tissues from the box on the table, and used it to gently rub Lex's face dry, taking a second for himself.

Lex took the second tissue and blotted Clark's face dry, as he stay curled up between his lover's warmth and the warmth from the blanket. The fire had almost burned itself out, down to embers as they'd talked, and Lex was too tired to get up and stoke it again. "We're both so tired." He left his hand sitting on Clark's chest. "But it'll get better now, we'll talk everything out, and we'll be able to rest now."

Clark caught the whisper of his lovers mind and he opened one eye… concentrated... and lit the fire up again, so it flickered back to life, and closed his eyes once more. "Its better now. You understand. That's all I wanted, that's everything. You understand. I love you, so much. I can't say how much. I love you. I'm not from this planet, Lex, but I feel like… through all of my lives, you have been the one for me. And I feel... exhilaration." He'd never shared this with his lover, and he glanced down, quietly, for a moment. "Because even though we've been apart... apart in different lives, even though circumstances took us away from one another, you...were always the love of my life."

It warmed Lex, from his toes up to his scalp, and his entire body tingled. "Bruce told me once that the relationship he and I had had was only paving the way for something better, and now I know what he meant. You... are who I was meant to find, Clark. And if I hadn't hit you on the bridge, then we'd have come together some other way, because I can't think that I wasn't meant to be with you now."

Clark looked down, softly, his palm gently cradling his lovers cheek. "We were meant to come together in that way, Lex. You were meant to hit me, and I was meant to save your life, and we were meant to join together in a union that would excite us, thrill us, for the rest of our lives. Everywhere I've been, everywhere I go, you are the answer. Even if we're not together, you will always be the answer. We are soul mates... in every sense. We are soul mates, and my love for you shows no bounds, has no boundaries. I'll love you until the day I die."

"You won't ever die," Lex said. "I won't allow it." He looked up at his lover. "You are the only person who could have completed me. You brought out parts of me I thought had died. You have made my life... so much better, by being part of it. You've given me love, joy, grief, sadness, anger, elation, and a hundred other emotions I can't name. You've given me everything I never hoped to have, and I don't know how I can ever, ever repay you for it. You are mine, until the end of the world. I swear it, Clark."

For the first time in months, Clark gave his lover a smile that came from his heart. His fingers stroked over his bald head, the little bumps on it, down to his warm, downy ears, and he pressed a kiss to Lex's lips, gently, deeply, again, and again. "And you are mine. No one can take you away from me. Together... we're going to do amazing things."

"I told Victoria once that I was going to be great all by myself." He returned the kiss that Clark gave him, and then smiled gently. "I was wrong. I might be great by myself, but we are going to be amazing together, you're right about that." He gave his lover another kiss, thumb rising to trace the curve of Clark's smile.

"You have filled my heart with joy, Lex. A void I thought we'd never fill... its fixed now. its there. Do you feel it?"

A soft, little nod, as he rubbed his hand over Clark's chest. "I feel it, Clark. I feel it in you and in me."

"Mar's death… was a sapling, born and bloomed, cut before it could grow. But from him, from his love and the love we had for him, he has made us grow into proud oaks, tall and true. And we'll only continue to grow, and spread our branches, and with each of our children born we will tell them who their brother was, and how much we loved him. We will tell them of the strength he brought us, of the love and compassion he gave us, and of the never ending courage he brought to our hearts."

Lex just nodded. He couldn't say anything to match the beauty of those words. "He'll never, never be forgotten. Not by us or our children."

"Not by any of our family." Clark whispered, softly. "We've come together in love, Lex, as aushna', and even here, on this planet, it has far reaching changes for the future of the people who live here. Our children will populate this earth, Lex. Our children, our children's children, and so on and so forth. Our people will once again thrive here."

Lex nodded. "That... sounds like the most wonderful thing I could think of. Ever."

His throat was tight with the joy of what that brought. "Here... sleep here, with me. Just for a little bit… I've got a feeling we're going to be interrupted soon enough. Rest here against me... its okay to be here with me. To cry. Its okay to do those things, aushna'."

Lex gave a little coughing laugh. "Yeah, it's about time for the mother hens to come home and make sure we haven't killed each other, which I'm sure they thought we'd do. I'm betting they're expecting to come home to one of us crying, and the other of us gone. I'll bet you an annuity bond." But even as he said that, he settled in against Clark's chest. "I know, Clark. It's okay. There's nothing we can't face if we're together." A little pause. "Except for bunnies."

"Bunnies?" Clark whispered, as he stroked over his lovers scalp tenderly. "I love you, so much, baby."

"Bunnies. And maybe midgets." Lex gave a little smile, and turned his head into the stroking. "I love you too, my aushna'. I've missed you so."

Whoosh. Over Clark's head. But he was too tired and too emotionally wrung out to make two and two together, so he just let his eyes close. "I missed you. Promise you'll never keep things from me, again."

"It's Buffy," Lex explained softly. "I won't. I won't keep anything from you, ever again. Unless it's what I'm buying you for Christmas and where I've hidden your Easter basket."

His eyes opened, again. "Lex?"

"Yeah, Clark?"

"Today… the thing with the plate. I'm sorry." All but physically yanked from him. "I...I lost it."

"You had a right to lose it. Dominic... Dominic was right. He pointed out that I was... de-balling you. Taking away your masculinity, and I swear, that's not what I was trying to do." He opened his eyes too, and looked up at his lover. "Can you forgive me for overcompensating?

He nodded, softly, and stroked Lex's ear tenderly. "I've been testy, since the clothes thing. Which I'm sorry for, too." A moments thought, his throat tightening. "Do you really think I dress badly?"

Lex shook his head. "No. I don't think you dress badly. I do think you... hide your light under a bushel basket, if you'll forgive the old saying. I think... I think you hide behind the clothes, so people won't think you're anything special. I just... you don't have to hide, anymore. You are something special, and not because of your powers. You're my mate, and that makes you special."

"Tell me next time.. .okay? Tell me...and I'll go along with it." His fingers squeezed his lovers, gently, sitting there on his chest. "Cause.." And now, a soft blush lit his cheeks. "I balk like a horse."

"Okay. I'll tell you." Lex brought those fingers up to his mouth, for a kiss. "No more springing surprises on you." He paused, and heaved a dramatic little sigh. "No more buying custom-made cars for you either."

Clark's lips spread. "Promise?"

"I promise. No, wait, I don't promise." He turned onto his side, and looked down at Clark. "Because I've already commissioned a mint condition Matchbox car. It's going to be your graduation present, but it's going to be a copy of the Porsche I wrecked on the bridge. Cast in chrome and platinum. So, I promise, no more custom cars, full size or toy sized, after June."

Clark gave a soft laugh, very soft, and nodded as he pressed his lips to Lex's face, throat, temples. "Okay. Sleep now, Lex. Sleep."

He looked up at his lover with tired eyes. "Will you sleep, too?"

"I'm already falling." He whispered, quietly, and rubbed his thumb carefully under one of his lover's eyes, ever so gently. "I love you so."

Lex moved and kissed that gently rubbing thumb, and then put his head on Clark's shoulder again. "I love you too, my aushna'." Hard, jaw-cracking yawn as he snuggled his face into Clark's throat, and let his eyes close, calmed by the steady thrumming of Clark's heart under his ear.

"Lex?" Clark whispered, softly, his fingers running over his lover's neck in quiet, gentle strokes.

"Yeah?" he answered, in a voice getting heavy with sleep.

"Does this place..." Alright. Maybe this was delving into weird, because there was so much he thought about, so much he could feel and sense, but... "Does it seem more… alive, to you?"

He was quiet as he thought, chest rising and falling steadily as he considered Clark's question. "I don't... I don't know if it's more alive, Clark, or if we're just feeling it more, now that... this is starting to get out of our way."

He shook his head quietly... closing his eyes, and it was almost a deep, unconscious hum. "No. When we got off the plane, I felt it. I didn't understand it, until last night, when we were sleeping. Like... the land, it sings." Christ. He was a dweeb. "So many people have bled and died for it, have loved it desperately, that... that stayed. That love stayed in it."

"I know Dominic loves it," Lex said softly. "My father seems to; I can't imagine how many thousands of people have died defending it." He moved his hand up, just a little, so that it pillowed his cheek. "I envy you, Clark, because you are connected with the earth."

Clark shook his head, quietly. "Its a burden, most times. When it hurts, I hurt. Its gotten worse as I've gotten older."

Little kiss to Clark's throat. "Then we'll make it stop hurting. I don't know how, but the first step is to talk to Dad, and get all the meteor rocks dug up and out of Smallville."

Clark smiled, softly, down at his aushna'. "That's not how it hurts, Lex. I mean...I can feel what it feels. I know, and understand. I don't know how to explain it… but anyway. this place, this land, its very, very special. Very special. Here...Lex. This is where I want to come when our babies are ready to be born."

Lex nodded. "Then we will. And if the jet isn't at our disposal, you'll fly us here a few days in advance of the birth, and we'll make sure we have everything we need right here to do it."

"I want to conceive them, here, too." Clark whispered, softly. "I want it to be here." But it was all he said, for a moment. "I weirded you out, huh?"

Lex just rubbed his face in Clark's throat. "Then when we're ready? We'll come here. Here's where we'll conceive our family, and here's where they'll be born." His fingers played lightly with the threading of Clark's sweater. "You didn't weird me out."

"Then I weirded me out." He said it mid yawn, before turning slightly and cradling Lex even more on his chest, hugging him close. "Mmm. I'm sleepy."

"Then let's sleep before Dad and Dom come home and bust in like braying animals wanting to know what went on." He yawned too, another jaw-cracking one as he put his face back in Clark's throat, and his arms around his aushna's chest. "I missed this."

"Missed what?"

"Laying with you. Like this. Without the rock in my chest, making me wonder what I'd screw up next." He cracked out a third yawn, and closed his eyes as he laid his ear back over Clark's heart.

"You don't screw up anything." Clark whispered, quietly, as he tucked the quilt tighter around him. "Sleep."

"Know that now," came the quiet mutter. And then nothing, for a long moment, as Lex's chest rose and fell steadily, curled on top of his lover as though Clark were the most appealing mattress in the world.

Which he was.

Clark listened as his lover fell into sleep, and gently, carefully, rubbed his cheeks and head, then curled him in close and kissed his skin. "I love you, aushna'."

Lex murmured unintelligibly in his sleep, rubbing his hand lightly over Clark's chest as he just snuggled in deeper and slept on.

 

-fin-

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