The Memoirs

Clark smiled, nodded, and zipped out of the lab, up the steps. He walked across the hall and up the steps, quickly, mind tracked on finding Shay, and he almost almost ran into Lionel, just coming out of the upstairs library. "Oh, hey, Lionel."

Lionel was frazzled. He had just gotten off the phone, and when he'd went to find Dominic, he was not in his bedroom. Nobody else in the house seemed to know where he was, his son and Clark had not been--to this point--anywhere to be found, and while he strongly suspected that Dominic might be with them, he was not going to stop worrying until he had found his lover. "Clark. Would you happen to know where Dominic is?" he asked, dragging his hands through his hair.

"Sure. He's on his way to the poolhouse with--" Shit. He cleared his throat. "Lex. I was just going to... ah... get our swim trunks. Eddie, Dominic's therapist, says its good for him to be in the water, where there's not so much gravity pulling on his muscles." He looked up at the man. "I'm sure he'd like for you to be there, instead of us."

Lionel exhaled sharply at that. "Yes, I spoke to Lex about it briefly after Eduard left. And no, I'm not at all sure he'd prefer that, as it seems we do nothing but lacerate each other to shreds whenever we are within verbal distance of each other."

"He's had a change of heart," Clark assured, eyebrow raised. "Thought you'd be up to the challenge, is all, being his husband."

Lionel just growled. "A challenge is one thing, Clark. A constant battle is good for neither one of us, as Dominic needs as little stress as possible to recuperate properly."

"Like I said… talk to him first," Clark answered, motioning. "They're at the pool house, like I said." And off he went, passing him up, and glanced back only once before smiling to himself and entering the bedroom.

"I am not going to rise to the bait, Clark," Lionel called out after him, but went to the pool house anyway, if for no other reason than to make sure Dominic was all right.

He saw them just disappearing into the pool house, and he lengthened his stride. By the time he got to the pool, Dominic was sitting right outside the bath house, and Lionel could hear his son puttering around inside. "Dominic?" he asked, barely crossing the door way. "Are you all right?"

The water was very, very, very deep. Unspeakably deep, clear and did he mention deep? And there was so much of it. He looked at it in trepidation when they walked in, and was slowly going down to straight up fear when his lover walked in. He looked magnificent, strong and elegant, and something like grief broke in his throat, roughening his already hoarse voice for a moment, before he cleared it. "Yes."

"Clark said that you and Lex were going to be taking a swim, and starting to get used to the water therapy?" he asked, not quite sure how to take the hoarse voice.

"Yes," Dominic said again, and looked away from him, back to the water. "I had to bathe, anyway," he added, to explain a little.

"Ah, I see." It pained him that Dominic didn't want his help, barely seemed to want his presence. "I should leave you to it, then."

His heart seized, but Dominic couldn't quite find the words to ask him to stay.

Be nice. Be good. And they'll help you.

"You… you can stay. I'd prefer if you did."

Lionel paused. "Do you really mean that?"

"Yes."

"Then I'd love to." He unbuttoned the sleeves at his wrists, and rolled them further up his arms, past his elbows. "Lex," he called out, raising his voice as he rolled up his sleeves. "You can go; Dominic and I will be fine."

"Okay, Dad," Alexis called, and wrapped the white robe around herself as she slid out the door. "Call if you need help!" And she ran. As fast as she could.

Lionel didn't bother to think about his son's strange behavior. "A bath first, and then the pool? Or are we in the pool first, and bathing afterwards to relax your muscles?"

"Whatever is easiest for you," Dominic acquiesced quietly, looking down at his lap...then up at Lionel, for a brief moment, before back down. "I'm sorry for the way I've treated you."

That stopped him in mid-unbutton. "It's quite all right, Dominic. You're having a rough time of things, I understand, and it's difficult when you have someone hovering over you and complicating things."

Lionel wanted a bigger explanation than that. He could tell. "I am sorry. I've… not been myself." No. He had been. Just the self no one liked. The self that they ignored and left alone and didn't help. "I'm sorry."

"You don't have to explain, or apologize," Lionel said quietly, starting to unbutton his shirt again. "I understand. I've tried to make it easier on you by not hovering and not being around you constantly and inflicting myself on you."

He'd only made it worse. But Dominic didn't respond, just shifting his shoulder the slightest bit without watching his husband. "I can't move very much. You'll have to help me."

"I don't mind helping you." He pulled his shirt off entirely, and then kicked his shoes off carefully. "We're going to try the pool first, and then a hot bath to relax after the workout. Is that all right?"

"Yes." No. Not really. Because he had to get in the big scary thing of fucking billions of gallons of water, but he didn't say anything, watching Lionel undress. "I don't have any… underclothes on. If you'd like... to use trunks, or something," he said, quietly.

"I don't mind," Lionel said softly. "I just want whatever is most comfortable to you. Since we're going to be working, I'm leaving my pants on, just because... hopefully they will help me remember that I'm here to help you, not make love to you no matter how much my body wants it."

Sex. Hah. Now that was funny. Right. When shifting the wrong way made everything from the waist down and the knee caps up ache. And not pleasantly, either

If he could have managed it, Dominic would have liked to take a swim in a parka.

But as that wasn't going to bloody happen, he just shrugged. "Whatever is easiest is fine."

Lionel almost yelled. Almost. But he didn't. He just nodded. "Would it bother you being naked in the pool with me? Or would you rather I find you swim trunks?"

The thought of Lionel seeing him naked was so horrifying it took his breath away. He just stared up at the man, for several long moments, before swallowing down his rapidly slamming heart. "It's… too much hassle. You... won't be thinking about… sex when you..." See my body. "I...can stay in these pants, they're fine."

Lionel just nodded. He didn't bother with being upset anymore, just filed it away to mull over later when he was alone in his office, drinking fine tequila like water and watching the security tapes over and over again.

It didn't matter then that Dominic didn't want him anymore.

Instead, he just nodded. "That's fine with me." He got down on his knees beside the wheelchair, carefully working on the buttons of Dominic's shirt. "When you get tired, tell me, and I'll bring you right out."

He saw something flash in Lionel's eyes, and when he bent down in front of him, Dominic got a good look at him. "What's wrong?" He asked, tipping his head.

"Nothing," Lionel said with a little shake of his head, tossing his hair back over his shoulder. "I'm just worried about you, that's all."

Dominic was momentarily panic stricken, watching Lionel, with movements and eyes that seemed so far away, unbutton his shirt. "I s-said I'm sorry, I did. I'm sorry."

"Yes, you did, and you don't have anything to apologize for," Lionel reassured him softly. "I'm not angry."

There was something else, but right now it seemed so far away that Dominic let it go, looking down at Lionel's hands as they moved. "Tell… tell me? Please?"

"There's nothing to tell," Lionel said, finishing with the buttons and carefully lifting Dominic's right arm first, sliding the sleeve off, and then reaching around behind and starting to guide the left arm free.

Dominic wished like hell he could have jerked it back. This was a bad, bad idea. Bad. Bad, because it just was. Lionel would see how terrible his body looked, and find it disgusting, and he looked away, eyes clenching shut.

Lionel slid the shirt off the rest of the way, and couldn't help stealing a quick, gentle caress of the body that had been denied to him so long. He pressed a feather-light kiss to his lover's shoulder, then pulled the shirt out from under him entirely and tossed it over the bench by the pool.

Dominic fought the revulsion as Lionel kissed him, unable to watch as he was undressed. He was so thin he knew his ribs and shoulder blades poked out, and his hips were like knives hanging off of his body. He knew it. He knew he was bruised and pale and mottled and furiously, terribly ugly. He was horrified Lionel was seeing him like this, and twisted his fingers in the blanket to keep from screaming it.

Lionel flinched as Dominic's body twitched, pulling away from him. His eyes fell on the hand that was clutching the blanket in disgust, then the closed eyes that couldn't bear to look at him, and he got to his feet. "Maybe I should have let Lex take care of this after all," Lionel said softly.

Dominic looked up as his lover, obviously disgusted with what he was seeing and unable to look at him, rose. His body shuddered with the spear of pain and he almost had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep the cries that wanted to come out in. "I'm fairly disgusting, I know," he said, trying like mad to keep the breaks out of his voice.

"No you're not," Lionel answered, standing by the chair, facing the door. "You're not disgusting to me, but you obviously find my touch repulsive."

"Why would you say that?" Dominic croaked, looking up. "Why would… would I be disgusted?"

"Because every time I've touched you, you've pulled away, you can barely stand to look at me, you were fighting just now the fact you couldn't stand that I kissed you, and you're afraid to be naked with me." He ticked off every fact as blandly as he could, trying to hide the hurt and not succeeding at all.

"You think because I..." Dominic didn't know whether he wanted to laugh or throw up. Instead he looked up at him, helplessly. "I'm disgusting," he said, as if that answered everything. "You're not. Why...would you want..." He didn't dare look down, just swallowing hard.

"You're not disgusting," Lionel said on a sharp exhale. "I love you. That alone makes the surface unimportant. I love you, not just your body, though I've missed it."

Missed his body. Yes, Dominic was sure he had. But the thought of sex was so utterly terrifying that it killed any amount of passing lust he might have had. If Lionel wanted to use his body for pleasure, that was fine, he didn't really mind that, it worked well in the be good, be nice, people will help you. If he let Lionel do what he wanted, his lover would help him. If he wanted Dominic to join in the festivities, that was another thing coming. For one, he couldn't move. For two, he really couldn't move. For three, any amount of intimacy terrified the ever living shit out of him. For four, his penis was swollen, and there was no going down for some time-- he was taking terrible medicine that gave him belly aches for it.

For five, he was utterly disgusting.

He was aware he felt like crying. And he was aware of the tears in his eyes. "Why didn't you take another lover while I was sick?"

Lionel felt like he'd been slapped. Hard. "Do you really think so little of me to think that I would completely dishonor you that way? Do you think so little of how I feel about you that I could throw you aside like nothing and find someone else? Dominic, that is..." Insulting. Horribly insulting, and infuriating. "Impossible. I don't want anyone else as long as you are here."

"I was gone for three months. I would not want you to live alone, Lionel, I would not want you to live alone if I had died. I was already as good as dead, and my mother was going to take care of the rest of it." Dominic felt his body trembling, and he bit his lower lip, so hard he tasted blood. "I'm sorry."

"Yes, she was. And I was fighting her with every means at my disposal, but they didn't work." Lionel stopped himself from touching Dominic, because he couldn't stand another flinch away. "If you had died, I would have been alone, because there is no one that I can imagine loving as I've loved you. You pointed out to me once what a miracle it was that I found it twice, and then a third time with you. My luck does not hold out for a fourth time, and I don't want it to."

Dominic was shaking, hard, worse now, as his fingers tightened in the blanket, grasping it hard as he looked down at it. "I'm sorry," he said again, biting his lip, hard. He was trying, he had to be nice, be good, but he'd just insulted Lionel and now Lionel wouldn't help him. He swallowed, as hard as he could against the hard lump in his throat. "I'm sorry."

"Stop biting your lip," Lionel commanded softly. "And for God's sake, stop apologizing." He sighed, and sat back down on his heels. "Just stop. Be honest with me. Tell me how you feel about me, right now. Because if you want me to leave, I will. If you want me to stay, I will. But you have to tell me."

I'm being treated like a child.

Dominic stopped biting when Lionel told him to, not looking up from his lap when Lionel came back down in front of him, and he didn't know what to do with himself. He didn't. "I don't want you to leave," he croaked, swallowing hard again against the dryness in his throat. "I don't want you to leave."

"I won't leave, then," Lionel said, and he put his hand in his lover's lap, offering it quietly.

Dominic set his hand in Lionel's and squeezed around it as hard as he could. There. There, Lionel wasn't mad anymore. The last thing he wanted was Lionel to walk away and leave him here with all that fucking water, when he couldn't move enough to save himself. Horrible images of him going rolling into the pool flickered across the lids of his closed eyes, and he exhaled softly before opening his eyes. "I love you. I'm sorry."

Lionel felt the squeeze on his hand, and he could tell that it wasn't reaching his lover's eyes. "Dominic... you didn't answer me. Do you want me around or not? If you don't, I can stay with you until Lex or Clark come back, and I will move back to the Metropolis apartment until you're recovered, and we can talk then. I won't leave you alone, but you have to be honest with me."

Dominic shook his head, hard, throat tightening uncontrollably. "No, I don't want you to go."

"Then don't shut me out," Lionel begged. "Don't push me away, let me help you. You helped me when I was in the hospital, you would not let me give up on getting my sight back, I won't give up on you either, but you have to let me in." He kissed Dominic's hand gently, and laid his head in his lover's lap. "Please."

Dominic wanted, so badly, to cry. But he couldn't. The tears wouldn't come, they wouldn't fall, even as he felt his chest constricting. He wanted to scream out the unfairness of this, wanted to scream until he was hoarse, and the panic had goosebumps flying over his skin as he closed his eyes and set his hand in Lionel's hair, tangling the fingers. He was never going to get better. He had damned this person he loved, so unspeakably much, to this life of torment, of doctors, of inability to move, of reliance. Lionel was a good man, a wonderful man, but he was only human. He would get sick of this, in due time.

It was that time Dominic dreaded more than he could say.

"I'll be good. I promise."

"You don't have to be good," Lionel said, for what felt like the hundredth time against Dominic's thigh. "Just let me in. That's all I ask."

Dominic nodded, unable to speak, as he looked down at Lionel's wonderful, beautiful face. "Okay," he said, softly. "Let's finish all of this... I'm hungry." A lie. He felt like he could never eat again.

Lionel nodded, and didn't move for a long moment, just enjoying the long-missed feeling of Dominic's fingers in his hair. "Tell me what you'd like for lunch, and I can order it so it's hot and ready for us after your bath," he said softly, finally.

"It's dinner time, love," Dominic answered back, eyes closing as Lionel pressed against his legs. "And if you're up to it, I don't mind swimming in the pool, if you don't let go."

"Is it dinnertime?" Lionel just blinked. "Time flies when you're not paying attention, I suppose." He rubbed Dominic's leg gently as he pushed himself up, sitting up straight again. "I won't let go. You know that."

He swallowed, a little, and thought after his actions he needed to show just how sorry he was for upsetting his husband, so said, "I'm sorry, about... about before. I don't want… you to see me. I didn't… mean to push you away," he added, in a near whisper.

"It's all right," Lionel said, his voice still quiet. "You could have just told me." He let his hand rest on Dominic's shoulder, though. "You are my husband, Dominic. I'm not here because I have to be. I'm here because I want to be. I want to be with you. I want to help you get well again."

Dominic just nodded, swallowing again as he looked at the pool house. "What are we doing first?"

"Getting you into the pool," Lionel said. "If I sit you on the top step, can you hold into the bar as I get in, and then I will bring you in, step by step."

"Alright." He nodded, and shifted absently, horrified about what he was just about to say, but, "You can get... get naked. If you want. I can too. It'll be easier, and easier to hold onto."

Lionel nodded, and raised his hand to stroke Dominic's cheek. "Only if it doesn't make you uncomfortable. If it does, we can do it like this."

Dominic nodded. "It's okay. Really." He looked up at his lover, and just because he could, he reached out and cupped Lionel's cheek in his own hand, stroking the skin with his thumb and looking at him with burning eyes. "I love you, so much. I'm sorry I said you should take another lover. I don't want you to take anyone else. I... it feels like I'm not in my.." right mind. "Like I don't... things are hard to think about sometimes. I'm sorry."

Lionel raised his hand and caught Dominic's against his skin, closing his eyes and kissing the palm as he turned his face. "I love you. I would never betray you like that. Have faith in me, my Jiminy. I won't let you down."

"If you'd taken anyone else, I would have had to kill them," Dominic answered, pressing his palm into the kiss and swallowing back his heart as his fingers trembled with the exertion to keep them up for so long.

Lionel carefully cradled Dominic's tired fingers in his hand and lowered them back to Dominic's lap, but kept his fingers laced through them, so they could rest. "I know how you feel," he murmured softly. "You will come back to me."

"And if I don't, Lionel?"

"Then you won't." He squeezed gently. "There's already a house plan drawn up for a single level ranch home, with every amenity necessary, including duplication of Mr. Ross' work for Aurora's nursery in the new home."

That was too far in the future. He didn't want to think about that. Not now. So he just looked over Lionel's shoulder at the pool, nodded slightly to himself, and pulled the blanket up from around his legs, setting it with Lionel's shirt on the bench. "You'll have to help me with the pants. I can't hold my own weight up."

"I can. I can hold you up as long as you need it." Lionel squeezed Dominic's hand again and then made Dominic look into his eyes. "And I mean that."

"I know you do," Dominic answered, looking into his partners eyes, and then away, down to his legs. "Its not a pretty sight."

"Yes it is," Lionel countered immediately. "It's you, alive, and here with me. That makes it beautiful."

"You say that now. You haven't seen my knee." Dominic had taken a glance of it just once, after the last surgery, and as the bloody thing looked more alien than not, he didn't bother looking at it again. Instead, he looked up at Lionel and gave him a little smile. "Stop being mushy and help me."

"I don't care about your knee. I care about YOU." Lionel quickly pushed his slacks off, and crouched in front of his lover, sliding his hands down and easing the elastic waistband down. "Tell me if I hurt you or if you don't want to do this."

"Just do it," Dominic answered, pushing up on the chair seat a little with his hand to lift himself enough to help Lionel. He arched his hips enough to do it, hissing in pain as the cold muscles screamed.

Lionel moved quickly, pulling them down over his lover's hips and then let him sit back down, and then gently started easing them down. The scarred and still-injured knee made him wince, and he reminded himself to have a few sharp words with the doctor. "There... there we go..." Lionel soothed.

Dominic saw his lover wince, and he looked down at his knee, as well. It wasn't as bad as he'd thought but had enough, and he shook his head as he prodded the stitches a bit. "Doesn't hurt, its just ugly. Jaheel said it would take a while to finish healing."

"I'm going to have a few words with Doctor Jaheel."

"He's not God. He can't heal it on the spot," Dominic said in kind, even as he was now naked. And he could see just how much weight he'd lost. Christ, he looked like a skeleton. Here he was, bared for Lionel to see, and he almost didn't want to see what Lionel thought, so just nodded. "Let's get in the water, then."

"No, he can't, but he can tell me why your knee still looks like raw hamburger meat when it should have been well on the way to healing and why he is quite so sure that you can do nothing when in fact, you're already exceeding his expectations!" Lionel carefully slid his arms around Dominic, one going under his knees and the other around his shoulders, sliding Dominic's around his neck.

Dominic grasped Lionel's neck tightly with his good arm, holding on with an all but clamping hold as Lionel lifted him up... entirely too easily. He had to weigh barely nine stones... not even a hundred and twenty pounds. He was a bloody skeleton. It was terribly, horribly, ugly. But he didn't bother saying it as Lionel held him, and he squeezed tightly so he wouldn't fall as he muttered in Lionel's ear, "Thank you of reminding me that my leg looks like what we're eating for dinner." He said it with amusement, though, as they neared the pool. Christ that was a lot of water. Christ.

Lionel gave a ghost of a smile. "You're not having hamburger for dinner. Tonight's dinner menu has been prepared by your grandmother, as she and Ms. Bird have been conspiring to fatten you, me, and my son all three up. We are having beef in mushroom gravy, Guinness-basted lamb, braised vegetables, yeast rolls, and candied something or other." As he was talking, he kept moving towards the pool, and climbed in the first step. He went down two more, until Dominic's feet were covered in water, to the ankle.

"Sounds good," he answered, because it did. He would try and eat it, too. At least try. If he was good now, everything would be okay. "Cold." The water lapped around his toes, he felt it, and though he wanted badly to wriggle them, try as he might, he couldn't. "Its been months since we swam here."

"Yes, it does, and Crystabel seems to think that if she cooks every meal for you, you will eat better than if anyone else cooks for you." He smiled at the comment. "Yes, it has. And we will be back here again, swimming together."

"Of course she does. You can walk in further, you know." Dominic looked down at the crystal clear water, and nodded. "My grandmother will do anything she thinks is right if it means feeding people."

"I know I can." Lionel took several steps forward again, until his feet were flat on the bottom. He was covered in water up to his waist, and he stopped there, letting Dominic get used to it again.

Dominic hissed as the cold water lapped up over his lap and back, butt and legs, and he could feel his skin warming to it as they stood there. "Lionel, just swim in. Honestly. Get the shock of it over all at once, I'm fine. Can you hold onto me?"

"Mmm, you are, and the shock of it to your system could give you a heart attack," Lionel said. "I'd rather you not have cardiac arrest while I'm holding you."

"Love, I've been in a coma, not had a heart attack. Honestly." He looked up, peering at the side of Lionel's face from his position. "Just get in. I'll be fine. If I'm not, I'll tell you."

Lionel, as they were talking, had waded further into the pool. "All right, all right. I'm going."

Once his body got over how bloody cold it was, it warmed gently, and the feeling was exquisite. He couldn't move, but he felt the heated water moving over his legs, moving the muscle as they waded out into it, and oh, it was deeply, unspeakable, relaxing. All of the muscled that had been tense for hours in his back and legs unclenched, and he sighed softly as they moved. "Oh."

"Feels good?" Lionel asked, tossing his hair over his shoulder as he bent his knees, lowering Dominic's entire body into the water, and holding him there.

Dominic nodded against the side of Lionel's head with a groan, aware that now that Lionel couldn't see his body, it was better. His legs were bumping into his lovers, belly and chest as well, but it was nice, and he closed his eyes and relaxed. "So good."

Lionel kept wading, carefully holding his lover's body until he reached the deep end, and went as far as he could go before turning and heading towards the poolside, and the temporary benches that had been installed underwater for just this purpose. "Let's just enjoy it," he murmured softly, guiding his lover over.

Oh, it was so warm. He murmured said sentiment in his lovers ear as he was pulled along, and he could have gladly stayed here in Lionel's arms. He let go of his lover's neck, only a little, to let his fingers slide through the water, and sighed in happiness as they moved. "Mmkay."

Lionel kept guiding slowly, letting them move through the water, until the backs of Lionel's legs bumped against the bench. He scooted up, until he could sit safely with his head and shoulders above water. "I'm going to move you, just a little," Lionel murmured, and when he was settled, he moved to sit Dominic in his lap, back to Lionel's chest, and legs floating out freely in the water. "There."

"Feels so good," Dominic murmured, letting Lionel pull him into his lap. "Nothing hurts." And in that was a marvel. "It feels free."

"That's the water for you," Lionel answered back, in the same quiet murmur. "It takes your weight, so that there's no pressure on your muscles. Try moving your arms, just a little."

Dominic leaned his head against Lionel's shoulder and looked at his left hand, floating beside him. He couldn't do much with it, was mortally embarrassed by it, but for the life of him he couldn't remember why. So he tried. He tried moving the elbow, the wrist, the fingers. Nothing. His hand was… he didn't bother looking at it, just back to his elbow. "I can't."

"Your fingers are moving; don't say you can't move anything." Lionel's voice was smiling.

"They're not moving. Lionel, they're in a fist."

"Look at them," he said quietly.

So Dominic did. He looked at them.

He saw them twitch.

"Oh." He frowned up at Lionel. "Smarty pants."

Lionel resisted the urge to kiss the frown off. "Yes, I am. But? They're moving."

Dominic looked up, from his position right beside him, so close his nose almost brushed Lionel's chin. He looked into his lovers eyes and knew just what was there, what he wanted, and he swallowed, hard, before saying, "I brushed my teeth. Finally. You… could. If you want to."

Lionel rubbed his nose against Dominic's. "I want to. But I don't think you do. I can wait."

He shook his head, tightly. "No. I need...you to. Please?"

Lionel's wet thumb stroked warmly over Dominic's cheek as his other arm kept him tightly and carefully anchored. "Are you sure? I don't want to force anything on you."

He nodded, looking up at him quietly. "I think I've forgotten how."

"I don't think you'd ever forget." Lionel moved his mouth a little closer, pressing gently against Dominic's mouth, kissing him gently and preciously, stroking his hair and face as he did.

Dominic kissed him back, lips trembling open and admitting that lovely tongue into his own mouth. The taste exploded--Lionel's coffee, the chlorine from the water, and something that was all Lionel, there, in his mouth. He opened his mouth further and kissed back a little harder than Lionel was giving it to him, urging him to kiss him, urging him to love him.

Lionel deepened the kiss, his fingers tightening in his lover's hair as he kissed back, his tongue venturing forth shyly, testing the reception as his arms tightened, pulling him closer in the water.

Dominic tipped his head back when Lionel's fingers grasped his hair and he encouraged the hard kiss, sucking on a hot tongue as Lionel held him. He squeezed close with the arm around his neck, his own fingers fisting in Lionel's long, still mostly dry curls and holding tight as he kissed him, hard.

Absolute heaven, and Lionel was drowning in it. His mouth stayed glued to his lover's, the hands in his hair were a luxury that he'd never thought he'd feel again, and he gave a little pleasured groan as he kissed his lover.

Dominic burst into tears.

He couldn't do it. Not the kissing Lionel thing--he could do that. But he couldn't repress himself, not like he was trying to do. Here, where Lionel loved him no matter what, where he was willing to kiss him and enjoy it despite all of Dominic's deformities, and he sobbed as he let go of his lovers mouth and pressed his face into that glorious neck.

"Sssh," Lionel said, shifting his arms and cradling his lover close. "Ssssh, sssh, my lovely cricket, ssssh, it's all right."

"Its not, its not alright, I can't pretend, I can't be good, I'm sorry, I can't, I hate this, I hate everything, I HATE IT," Dominic screamed it out against his neck, "I can't, I can't pretend, I can't push everything I am down, I can't be nice and civil, I can't, I CAN'T!"

Lionel held his lover close. "You don't have to. Nobody wants you to do that, Dominic. You don't have to pretend anything, do you understand me?"

"I need you to help me, but I don't want to have to pretend so you'll help me, all of you, I don't want to pretend its all okay, I don't want to lie and fake, I don't," He was shaking like bloody mad against Lionel's neck, but he didn't care. He didn't. "I need help, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I don't want to lie."

Lionel just kept his arms tightly around his lover. "No, don't be sorry. Don't lie to me, don't lie to any of us. We are here for you, we are going to help you, you don't have to fake anything." He hugged tightly, rocking him in the warm water. "We will call Elaine, after dinner, and she'll come over and have a talk with us, all of us."

Dominic didn't want to talk to Elaine. But at least, as five minutes, then ten, passed, he was able to calm his tears and his shaking against his lover, just resting, boneless, against him. "I'm so sorry that all of this had to happen. I'm so sorry, Lionel."

"It's all right," Lionel said quickly. "It's understandable, and I don't mind."

Dominic looked at his lover tiredly, wearily, and carefully let him go from around the neck. "Hold on to me tight."

Lionel tightened his grip on his lover as he was instructed, holding with one arm firmly around Dominic's waist, the other bracing his shoulders upright.

Dominic waited patiently until Lionel was holding him close, and then moved his working fingers to the hand on the left that didn't work. He carefully worked them open, wincing as he did and hissing softly, straightening his thumb, which almost didn't want to. The warm water of the swimming pool made the muscles relax after their initial tightening, and his hand stayed open, though still gently curved. "Ow."

"There we go," Lionel said proudly, watching his lover. "When we're done here, we'll have a nice soak in the hot tub, to keep you warm and relaxed, and I believe Eddie left a therapy ball here, if you'd like to use it to keep your hand open?"

He shrugged a little, mortally embarrassed to have cracked in front of his husband, but not as afraid of it as he thought he'd be. He looked up, lifting his right hand to rub his face before he met Lionel's eyes, and swallowed. "Is he still coming tomorrow?"

Lionel nodded. "Yes, he is. And every day except Sundays, in fact."

"I thought I might have run him out yesterday. I wasn't the nicest individual," Dominic admitted, quietly, as he stretched his fingers again, wincing as the feeling worked through them.

"He is Elaine's brother; do you really think that he'd be run off by your grumping?" He nuzzled the back of his lover's neck. "It's a miracle he didn't kill her in their youth."

"I believe the other way around," he answered, sniffling quietly and clearing his throat as the warm water made his legs float happily. He quieted for a few moments, just rubbing over his limp fingers, before he said, so softly his voice was almost lost in the warm, lapping water, "I love you so much."

"I love you, Dominic." Lionel's voice was choked off deep in his throat. "You mean... everything in the world to me."

He looked over at his lover, then. "Thank you for taking care of me."

"I will always take care of you, Dominic." He held his lover close, tighter against his chest. "I will never abandon you."

"I know." Dominic gave him a small smile, then, as if seeing him for the first time. "I know."

Lionel moved just a little, so that his chest held up his lover's shoulders, and his hand could move and stroke over his lover's face and down his arm. "Good," he said softly. "Because I was beginning to wonder if you would ever smile at me again."

"Couldn't really smile at you while I had furry teeth, could I?" Dominic rose a brow skeptically at him.

"Yes, you could," Lionel said instantly. "You could smile at me with no teeth and I wouldn't care, just so long as you smiled."

"Oh, don't say that. Its bad enough I've got a bare head. At least some of its begun to grow back." He looked down at his hand again and finally let it go, letting it float as it wanted in the water, and set his cheek on his lovers shoulder, eyes closing as he listened to his husband breathing.

Lionel let his chin rest lightly on the top of Dominic's head, then kissed the crown gently. "Are you ready to move around the pool?"

His throat tightened. "Kay." Dominic chanced a slight glance up. "Hold on tight. Its alright if you cut off some circulation."

"I'm not going to cut off any circulation, but I will hold tightly to you." Lionel pushed up to his feet, making sure that he held Dominic's head and shoulders firmly above water. "Can you put your legs down?"

"I could try." He grasped Lionel's shoulders as they bobbed there together, his legs all askew, and he tried his best, utilizing his back and butt, to press his thighs into working. It worked, a little bit, but he wasn't able to get them down very much at all, and he was panting by the time he finished trying. "Shit."

"It's all right; that's good enough." Lionel moved his own body behind Dominic's, so that his motions propelled them both along as though they were both walking.

He grasped Lionel close, swallowing as they began across the pool. Didn't find it at all comfortable, and let Lionel know by digging his blunt fingernails in Lionel's wrist. "No... let me hold onto you. Let me face you, easier."

"It's okay." Lionel stopped as soon as he felt nails digging into him. "Dominic... I am not sure you want to face me, right now," he said as diplomatically as possible.

"Why?" Dominic croaked, his fingers still digging in his lovers wrists.

"Because you might get your eye put out."

"What?" He didn't understand, and he looked over his shoulder, still trembling. "What? Lionel, don't let go."

"I'm not going to let go," Lionel said with a reassuring smile. "Just trust me that for the moment, this is the best way to proceed."

"No, its not. If I fall forward I'll drown." Dominic croaked, still scrabbling for his lovers hands, grasping them where they were around his waist. "Don't let me fall. Please don't let me."

"I'm not going to let you fall," Lionel said, pulling his lover close and grimacing as the tip of his erection pressed against the outside of Dominic's leg. "Trust me."

Dominic twitched suddenly, and went very still, and very silent, when he realized what was pressing against his hip.

He looked up in surprise, still grasping his lovers hand tightly around his belly, and looked over his shoulder at Lionel with wide eyes.

"This is why I say that facing me is not the best idea right now," he said, just a little dryly, and let his forehead rest gently against his lover's.

Dominic swallowed his heart back down to his chest. "For me?"

"For you. Though I have no intention of doing anything about it right now." He rubbed a bearded cheek that was more than a little shaggy against Dominic's.

"I haven't had an erection in three months. I don't think I can," Dominic said, in a very, very quiet voice, against Lionel's face, as he held tightly to his lover and they waded gently in the water. "It… its swollen. Bad."

"That's to be expected because of the catheter," Lionel said softly. "Eventually you will. And even if you don't, then as long as I can still pleasure you, then I don't care." He let his face rest against the back of Dominic's neck for only a moment before readjusting his hold on his lover and pulling him up a little higher.

At the jostle Dominic's fingers convulsed over his lovers, scrabbling for purchase and grabbing tightly as he was lifted up a little more out of the water. "It hurts," he said simply, not bothering to go into an explanation. "What am I supposed to do?"

"Work through the pain, and wait. That's unfortunately all you can do." He kissed Dominic's shoulder. "Come on. Let's get you out, and settled in the hot tub; Eduard has overseen the installation of padded seating and waterproof straps, so that you can sit on your own in the warm water."

Dominic blinked...and grinned up at Lionel, then. "I meant, what am I supposed to do here with you. Try and walk? But...alright. I want to sit. Is it the big bathtub upstairs, or the one h--..." Dominic fell silent.

And began to shake in Lionel's arms.

Because he saw, clearly, when the camera went off the second time, and the third, and his fingers grasped into Lionel's hands so hard he was sure that this time, despite his blunt nails, he drew blood.

 

-fin-

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