The Memoirs

Lionel was sitting on the edge of the bed. "Clark... you do realize that if you do change your mind and want to talk with me, you have only to say so, and I will clear my calendar for you."

Lex had told him that he and Clark had briefly discussed speaking to him, and Lionel had been more than happy to make himself available. And when Clark hadn't come to him, Lionel had made a point to go to Clark, and offer himself up.

Clark had yet to respond, and he sighed softly. "I'm going to go downstairs, but if you need me, call for me. Send Enrique, use the intercom, whatever, and I will come to you. All right?"

Clark had not acknowledged Lionel's existence. It had been over a week since Victoria had left with Pete and Dick, and Clark had spent all of it in bed.

He didn't respond when Lionel spoke to him, and instead continued to stare out the window.

Lionel just sighed. "We are worried about you, Clark."

"Let it go, Dad," Lex said softly, from the shadows in the corner of the room. He'd been sitting there, watching over Clark when he wasn't working or sleeping with him. His main reason for being there, right now, was to monitor Clark and make sure that he was still okay, that his chest was still rising and falling and that he hasn't given up on anything.

Lionel just nodded, and closed the door quietly behind him. "I'll send up a tray later with dinner," he said through the closed door, and didn't receive an acknowledgement. Hadn't really expected to, and he sighed as he dragged his fingers through his hair. He negotiated the steps carefully, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands as he turned the banister and headed towards the library. Aurora, barely a week and a half old, was sitting in her bassinet in the library, because neither he nor Dominic could stand being that far away from her for that long.

He went into the library, looked over Dominic's shoulder at the photographs arrayed out in front of him, and kissed the back of his head. "Little cricket, I am worried about Clark," he said softly, then went to the bassinet and picked Aurora up, cradling her gently in his arms as he sat down behind the desk.

Dominic looked up, worry etched into every line of his face, as he continued to scrub out some of the puke on the front of his shirt. "Is he still not eating, love?" he asked softly, even as he scooted over on the couch a bit. The wheel chair had been replaced, just a few days ago, with a new walker, and though it took longer to get anywhere, he found himself much happier with it. it sat by the couch arm, and he pushed it over a bit as he moved for his lover to sit beside him.

Dominic... loved Aurora. He did. But he didn't quite know how to react to her as a parent yet, and though he had played with her and held her, and basically loved and doted on her... he was still... well, the proper words were 'stunned' and 'shocked' and 'utterly terrified'.

She was so *little*.

"He's not even responding to me," Lionel answered. "He's not speaking, he's not eating, and I gather that he's not responding all that much to Lex either," he said. His fingers found Aurora's tight little fists, and he smiled gently as they wrapped around his much larger, much darker finger. "I don't think Aurora being home has helped all that much." He moved to sit beside his lover, cradling their daughter against him. "Have you found a photo you like?"

"Do you think, Lionel, that it would be a good idea to tell Elaine?" Dominic asked, but when Lionel asked about the photo's, he pointed at the ones in front of him. "Mmm," Dominic said, glaring at his t-shirt before setting the wet tissues in the garbage pail he took to keeping close after he fed Aurora. "A few, though I wondered if you'd like someone to come to the house to take a professional photo."

"I don't know that I'd feel comfortable telling Elaine," Lionel said after a moment. "Simply because I don't know if she is that accepting and open minded, because I know that it would harm Clark further at the moment to be treated like a mentally ill individual." He looked at the photos that Dominic had spread out in front of them, and studied them.

"Mmm," Dominic assented, and took Aurora from him so he could have both hands. The baby was extremely tiny, a soft, barely-there weight in his arms, and he was tender and careful to keep her head from rocking around too much as he tucked her to his chest, the other side of it anyway, without the puke. He gently nuzzled her cheek and wrapped her firmer in the super soft blanket, before sitting back a bit. "Elaine is open minded, but if someone told me I was to help a man who had lost a baby, and was, by the by, an alien, I might put him in the nearest psyche ward."

"Which is precisely why I am not sure about Elaine," Lionel agreed, surrendering his daughter to his lover, and spreading the photos out. "None of these are quite..." He trailed off as he saw one photo in the stack of discards that caught his attention, and he pulled it out. It was nothing but his hands, recognizable by the aged look to them and the ring on his finger, and Aurora was nestled so small and warm in his hands. "Dominic? What is this one?"

Dominic glanced over it...grinned. "I liked that one. She looks like a bit of a rat in it, but it's a nice one." He took it from Lionel, and peered down at the baby, holding it so she could see. "What do you think?" The baby didn't do anything, and after a moment Dominic put his ear down next to her, hmming, before glancing at Lionel with a grin. "She agrees, though in ten years she'll hate you for putting her on the cover of a newspaper starkers."

"I rather like this one," Lionel mused. "And I don't know why. But I like it, quite a bit."

"As do I," he said, on a smile, and tipped his head. "Now, are you going to tell me why we're choosing baby pictures?"

"Because Bruce has reserved the cover of one of his magazines for us," Lionel said absently, still studying the picture in his hands. "I promised him the first released photos of Aurora for Tomorrow magazine, and she's to be the cover story."

Dominic sighed softly and looked down at the little girl, gently shifting her enough to hand her back to Lionel. "I'm surprised no one knows yet."

"Oh, they do know she's been born," Lionel said. "There was no way around that. However, these are the first photographs of her to be taken and released, as well as our first official notice of her birth to the world."

Dominic smiled again. "She's really precious, isn't she? Though you know," he reached out to gently stroke a lock of dark hair. "I sincerely don't think she's going to be blond."

"She is the most precious thing in the world," Lionel said, looking down at the dark head of hair his daughter sported. "Possibly not, but Lex's hair was dark before it turned red, so I have hope."

Dominic grinned, gently tracing the soft indent of her tiny lower lip, and then stroked her chubby cheek. "No, I don't think so. I believe she's going to be as brunette as they come, with big green eyes."

"That's going to be quite a genetic miracle," Lionel said with a smile, and held his arms out to take her back.

His lips twitched. "Well, if not the green eyed part, than at least the brunette part," Dominic said, and he handed her back, carefully, making sure to be careful of her head. "She seems almost as far away as a dream. I can't believe..." he shook his head, and stared down at her, making sure the booties Ms. Bird had sewn for her had stayed on her tiny feet.

"That she's really ours?" Lionel asked softly. She was so small, so tiny, but so beautiful in his arms, and he didn't want to let her go. He just kept her close to his body, listing to the soft gurgles and coos as he wiggled his finger against her cheek.

"Mmm, and that she's here. I never thought the day would come… I didn't have much time to think about being a father," he said, lightly.

Lionel nodded. "That's true, you didn't," he said, after a moment's consideration. I suppose I keep forgetting that, because it's a moment that I've been anticipating experiencing since she was first conceived."

"I'm lucky she isn't at all difficult to get used to," Dominic said, smiling quietly.

Lionel just smiled in agreement there. "She's been so easy to get used to," Lionel said softly. "So easy to have around, though I'm afraid that her being here has hurt Clark and my son a great deal."

At that, some of the joy slid away again. "Clark is destroying himself, Lionel. We have to do something for him."

Lionel nodded his agreement. "Yes, we do. I just don't know what that is," he said, shifting Aurora to his shoulder when she started to cry. "Do we need a fresh change, my little princess? Let's see."

Dominic rolled his eyes at the princess comment but quickly gathered the photos up and put them in the backpack he'd taken to carrying around. He pulled it over his shoulders and grabbed his walker, heaving himself up onto weak knees. "What time is it, love?"

Lionel looked at his watch. "Five thirty," Lionel answered, rising from the sofa with his quietly crying daughter. "Yes, we do have a wet diaper, don't we?"

"I just finished feeding her...she'll need another bottle at seven thirty, and then down for the night, I think," Dominic offered, as he walked behind his lover, albeit a bit more slowly.

"That's fine, I think I can handle that," Lionel murmured softly, soothing her as they went to the nearest bathroom. "And so can my little princess."

"After we put her to bed, we need to see what we can do about Clark," Dominic said, quietly. "It's been a week, and he has barely eaten. He's going to take ill, Lionel." He gave his lovers shoulder a tap, and gestured to the bathroom across from Aurora's bedroom, beside the play room. "In there. Emily finished the painting yesterday, I forgot to tell you. You're going to like it."

"Ah, thank you." Lionel turned off the light and quickly changed direction to the bathroom that matched his daughter's nursery. "And yes, I agree, we do need to do something about Clark, but he's not responding to anyone, including Lex. I don't know how we can go about forcing a response from him." He gave Aurora a little kiss on the forehead, and then gently laid her down on the changing table.

Dominic stayed at the door, letting his walker go to lean a hip on the pink marble sink. "We have to do something," he said, shaking his head and rubbing his face. "Its all the babies, Lionel. First, Chloe and Whitney, and then us. I can just imagine. Perhaps...we should ask Whitney to come over? He may be able to talk some sense into him. At least for the time being."

"Come in, there's more than enough room," Lionel answered, gesturing at the large open space. "I am quite sure that it didn't help having Bruce take Victoria at the same time Mr. Grayson came to help Mr. Ross move," he continued, quickly unsnapping the little outfit his daughter wore before tearing the tape off the diaper corners so he could remove it.

Dominic shook his head, rubbing his face. "I'm fine here, love. It's enough mess navigating this piece of shit everywhere with me," he said, glaring down at the walker, but sighing softly as Lionel changed the baby. "You'd better watch she doesn't pee everywhere, again." At that, he grinned. "She does enjoy catching you unawares."

Lionel chuckled softly as he maneuvered the diaper off his daughter, and dropped it into the mechanized disposal at the foot of the table. "Yes, she does, and she can get me unaware if she'd like." He cleaned her carefully with one of the wet baby wipes, then disposed of it too as he reached for one of the clean diapers.

Dominic winced as the baby kicked her legs, and... "I'll get the towels," he said, his voice choking on a laugh as pee ran off the side of the table and hit the floor... and Lionel's shoes. He snickered to himself and opened the closet right behind the door, getting two fluffy pink towels and then sidling over to help his lover clean her up.

Lionel just picked his daughter up so that she wasn't sitting in her own urine, and used one of the towels to mop it up off the table before setting her back down on it. "There you are, my little princess," he murmured softly, reaching for another small handful of baby wipes. "You're such a beautiful thing."

"I told you she was going to," Dominic offered, as he cleaned up the side of the table with a spray they kept on hand just for that. Lionel barely realized he was there, so he cleaned the pee up, set the towels in the hamper, washed his hands, and motioned his shoulder. "I'll get her bottle."

"Stay," Lionel said softly. "You are her father, too. If you want to change her diaper, you can, and I will feed her. I don't mind."

"No, quite all right. Be back in just a moment," Dominic assured him, and off he went. He used the elevator rather than call Ms. Bird, and quickly made and warmed a bottle of formula in the milk warmer they kept constantly turned on. He capped the bottle and stuck it in his pocket before sidling back upstairs, dropping off his backpack in the bedroom. "Lionel?"

By the time Dominic had gotten back upstairs, Lionel had finished changing his daughter's diaper, washed his hands, and had her dressed in a little yellow sleep suit with ducks carrying umbrellas stitched onto it. "We're in the nursery, little cricket," he called softly, seating himself in the large rocking chair and leaving the couch and the swing open for his lover.

Dominic walked in, spotted him, and grabbed one of the burp cloths and an extra blanket for Lionel. He handed both over, before settling himself on the couch tiredly. He set the light walker to the side, and settled on the couch with a low sigh. "As soon as Aurora is a month old, and I can walk reasonably well on my own, I want to go back to work."

Lionel spread the blanket over his knees, where it would be easy to draw it up over the both of them, and put the burping cloth over his shoulder as he tipped the angled bottle up, making sure no air bubbles were in the nipple as Aurora started to eat. "Are you sure you're ready for that, Dominic? You've been sorely missed, there's no question about that, and Charlie's nearly walked out on us three times because of Mr. Knight's attitude, but... I don't want you to rush your recovery. That is most important."

"I'm not doing any good sitting in this house all day, every day. It's eating at me, Lionel," Dominic said. Truth be told, he DID want to go back to work because the workless days were driving him batty, after twenty years of constant activity. What he didn't say was that he was terrified of sitting in the house all day with Aurora... he didn't know what to do with her. She was beautiful, but she was a baby, and someone who depended on him.

Dominic wasn't a great person to depend on, lately.

"In another three weeks, or so, when Aurora is old enough to be taken outside. Then I'll go back to work. Will you get her crib and toys set up?"

Lionel wasn't completely stupid, but now was not the time to fight this battle. "Of course I can. I'll make sure that there's a cradle and toys in my office as well, so that she can come to work with us," he said firmly. "She'll be right across the hall from you and you can come and see her whenever you like, but you won't be responsible for her while you're trying to catch up."

He heard the words behind the words in Lionel's sentence--his fear had been acknowledged.

Great.

"And a bouncer. And a high chair."

"I think she's quite too small for a high chair quite yet," Lionel said indulgently, shifting Aurora just a little so that the milk flowed into the bottle better.

"In another three months she won't be," Dominic offered. "We should be prepared."

Lionel chuckled softly and gestured around the entire room. "In what sense, little cricket, are we *un*prepared?"

Dominic pouted. "Well, we can't very well be lugging around her bouncer to and from work. We're millionaires. We shall have two of each, dammit."

Lionel laughed outright at that, and then quickly moved the bottle when Aurora gave a fussy little kick and scream when the deep rumble startled her. "I think she likes the idea," Lionel said, lifting her carefully to burp her.

Dominic grinned when his lover laughed and when the baby cried, cooing at her, "Shh, love, it's alright, the big lion won't hurt you," he said, dancing eyes meeting Lionel's. "In all seriousness, we should get the four essentials. Crib, play pen, bouncer, high chair. Your office is going to look like a daycare center, you realize."

"Of course it shall," Lionel said, cuddling Aurora as he burped her. "And anyone that doesn't like the decor shall be most cordially invited to kiss a lower portion of my anatomy."

The corner of his mouth quirked up. "Aren't you sweet."

Lionel smiled back. "As spun sugar."

Dominic rolled his eyes and climbed to his feet. He could walk a few steps without the damned thing, though he got a bit wobbly, but he managed it just fine over to his lover. He beckoned the baby to him, after she burped.

Lionel laughed again, softly this time, and surrendered the fussy baby to her father. "Here you are, little cricket."

Dominic took her, then beckoned Lionel to, to keep a steady hand on as cradled the infant close in her cocoon of blankets. He pressed his lips to her forehead, then her little mouth, even as she yawned. "There we are. Time for sleeping, Rory love."

Lionel rose with his lover and kept his hand steadying Rory against Dominic's shoulder. "That has got to be the most obnoxious diminutive of Aurora I have ever heard."

"Too late, it's already stuck," Dominic murmured, and kissed the baby again before gently leaning over to lay her in her crib. He pushed the stuffed animals out of the way and gently turned her head, covering her with a warm blanket, and undid her bib, tying it to the side of the crib itself. "Good night, precious," he murmured, smiling down at her before looking up at Lionel. His lover was close, very close, moreso than he'd been in a while, and Dominic set his head on a warm shoulder.

Lionel wrapped his arm around his lover's waist and squeezed gently. "Goodnight, little princess," he said softly, reaching up to turn on the mobile that hung over the crib, playing operatic music in tinkling lullaby notes.

That was a new one, and Dominic nearly choked on the snort as he sideglanced his lover. "Mozart?" he asked, softly, as he turned to go, grabbing his walker on the way so they could leave side by side.

"Of course," Lionel said, puffing up proudly. "I chose the movements myself, and the recordings and mobiles were custom made at my request," he said, staying beside his lover as they moved towards the door.

Dominic gave him a smile as he stepped out into the hall, but the smile died on his face when he looked down the hall at Lex standing in front of the bedroom door he shared with Clark. "Lex?"

"Yeah?" Lex asked softly, hands going to scrub tiredly at his face. "I'm on my way to the kitchen for... well, basically to ramble through the contents of Ms. Bird's pantry, refrigerator, and cabinet to see if there is anything I can possibly concoct that will tempt Clark into... well, eating. Responding. Giving some clue he still lives."

Dominic's frown deepened, and he motioned Lex toward him, as he opened the bedroom he shared with Lionel. He glanced toward the door Lex had just closed, and though he knew Clark could hear him if he wanted to, he doubted the boy was even coherent of his surroundings.

He sat on the edge of the bed when he came in, and frowned deeply at his step son. "Have you tried your link, Lex?'

Lex nodded and followed Dominic into the room, and Lionel brought up the rear. "Yeah, I did. It's there. And that's pretty much it."

"You can't reach him through it?" Dominic frowned all the more for it, glancing at Lionel. "When did he start doing this?"

"After Victoria left." Lex thunked himself down into one of the chairs by the small bar, and picked up one of the squat glasses in the service. He poured himself a drink, and swallowed it quickly.

"He hasn't been himself since Ms. Sullivan's child was born," Lionel corrected. "But the silence didn't start until the child left."

"I was just telling Lionel, Lex, that we need to get him to eat. He's going to take ill if not. Is there something… someone he would agree to talk to?"

"We have been... briefly discussing that. And as far as we've gotten is agreeing that he wants to talk to someone, but we cannot decide on who we trust. I have encouraged him to talk to Dad, but... we've seen how that works out."

"Perhaps Jor-El?"

Lex nodded. "At this point? I'm ready to suggest the queen of fucking England."

"The bitch." Dominic thought for a moment....and he glanced up, a bit. "You know...Ms. Bird might snap him out of it."

Lex perked up a bit, at that. "You know, I hadn't thought of the dear woman," he admitted.

"She does have a way with words, you must admit," Lionel said, speaking up for the first time since Lex had poured a drink.

'"I can attest to that," Dominic said, ruefully. "She'll do exactly what he needs. Should we ask her, then?"

"Yes, we should," Lionel said, before Lex could agree or disagree. "Would you like me to speak to the lady, Lex?"

Lex just sighed. "Yeah. I'll... go back in there with Clark."

Clark had gotten out of bed.

He hadn't gone far, of course. He'd used the bathroom, then curled up on one of the chairs on the terrace, his socked feet pulled up under him, the thick, wet, stormy looking sky just *waiting* to open up and start pouring.

He wasn't thinking. Not really. It was very comfortable to live without thinking, to be numb. It was very nice indeed.

Lex had slipped into the bedroom while Lionel went to fetch Ms. Bird. He didn't say anything, just walked out onto the little balcony and sat on the hard stones beside Clark, leaning his head against the chair Clark was sitting in.

Clark let his hand, which was laying over the arm rest, gently stroke Lex's bare head, as he watched lightening bolt across the storm clouds. He had a pile of homework Chloe had brought him sitting on a chair beside his desk, where his articles for the week had gone unnoticed, his cell phone turned off. He really didn't give a fuck what Perry had to say right about now, either.

Lex sighed softly and gave a pleased little tremble when Clark's fingers stroked over his head. "I'm worried about you," he said softly.

Clark didn't answer. Instead he stroked for a moment more before taking his hand back, and curled deeper under the blanket over him. He could see, over in the next county, as sheets of rain fell, blanketing and shadowing the sky.

"Please talk to me," Lex pled softly, leaving his head on the side of the chair. "Do you want me to bring you something to eat?"

Clark shook his head as bile rose up into his throat--he closed his eyes until the feeling passed, and he could push the burning back down to his belly.

Lex opened his mouth to speak again, and someone knocked on the door. "Yes?" he called out.

"Tis me, Herr Lecks," Ms. Bird called, hands on her hips as her little foot tapped the floor. There was a tea tray beside her laden with food and drink, and she waited to be let in.

"Just a moment," he called, getting up from beside Clark's chair and kissing his cheek.

Clark didn't open his eyes when Lex left, instead preferring the company of the backs of his eyelids. His head ached, and he set it on his hand, feeling the sleepiness which plagued him gnawing at his insides.

Lex just opened the door silently.

Ms. Bird glared at him. "Chu should go now," she said softly, and not unkindly. "I von't hurt him." She paused. "Much."

"I'll be downstairs," Lex said softly, closing the door behind him.

Ms. Bird nodded in acknowledgement as she trundled the little tea cart over to Clark. "Since chu missed dinner, I t'ought I vould bring dinner to chu, stubborn boy."

God, dammit. He opened his eyes and looked up, and the very sight of food made him queasy. His mouth felt stuck together with duct tape, tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth, but he didn't mind it. He just closed his eyes again.

Ms. Bird completely ignored the fact that she was being ignored, and fixed him a plate full of beef stew, rice, vegetables, and warm homemade bread, and then thrust the full dish into his hands. "Eat."

His stomach revolted and he looked away, pressing his palm to his mouth until the retching stopped.

Ms. Bird just pulled the plate away until he stopped, and then shoved it at him again. "Chu eat now."

Clark shuddered, the blood running out of his face, and shook his head again, turning away. He couldn't. Oh, God, it was making him sick.

Ms. Bird put the plate down, then, and put her hands on her hips. "Den chu talk now."

He did. When he spoke, his voice was nothing but a croak. "Please, don't make me eat."

"Then chu vill talk to old Hilde aboot vhat is upsetting chu and my Herr Lecks," she demanded, holding out a bottle of water.

Clark shook his head again, but took the water, and took a sip of it. The blue glass of it sparkled in the crashing lightening. Yeah. Only he would be drinking forty dollar bottled water in a mansion on the hill and be as depressed as he was.

Ms. Bird got in close to Clark, and shook her gnarled finger in his face. "Chu vill, or chu vill not get rid of me," she said, and just stood her ground in front of him.

"You can stay here, if you like. It's your house, too."

Ms. Bird turned her glare on him full force. "Chu are upsetting Herr Lecks. Chu are also upsetting Herr Dominick and Herr Lionel."

"I know," he whispered, voice broken.

She hunkered down and got right in his face. "Chu are upsetting *me.*"

His face crumbled and he lowered his head until his chin all but touched his chest, and the thunder crashed loud enough to wake the rain up, which began to fall in a torrent. It bounded off of the cloth roof of the terrace and fell to the ground around him.

Ms. Bird didn't even raise an eyebrow. "Clark," she said softly. "Chu must tell somevun vhat is in chur heart. If you cannot tell Lecks, tell me."

He shook his head roughly, rubbing the heals of his palms over his eyes, and dragged his knees closer to his chest, huddled as he was under the blanket. How could he talk to someone when he didn't know what the fuck was wrong with him?

Ms. Bird stomped her little foot, and went to the other side of the terrace, push-pull-dragging the second chair over to sit in front of Clark, and she parked herself in it, panting softly for a moment as she glared at Clark. "Chu are being wery selfish, Clark," she finally said. "Chu are hurting those around you vithout thought."

Clark shook his head, though her words just brought another shuddering sob into his voice. "I'm t-trying not to be selfish, Ms. Bird, really, I am."

"Den chu talk to me," she said, crossing her arms over her chest.

He shook his head again, and rubbed at his face again, swallowing hard. "I can't. I don't know wh-what's wrong with me."

"Chu do," she said sternly. "Chu vill tell me. Or so help me, I vill keek you."

"I *don't* know," he whispered back, and shuddered in a deep breath. "Leave me alone. Please, Ms. Bird."

Ms. Bird's little tiny foot shot out and kicked Clark in the shin with her pointy shoes. "I can't."

She kicked him, and he didn't know if he wanted to laugh or cry, and so he just sat there, misery as thick and deep as it could be.

Ms. Bird gave him a cagy glance. "Vell, if chu von't talk to me, den I vill guess." She glared. "Tis the lettle girl and chur friend Peter."

He wished. Instead, he said softly, "I miss her."

Ah ha! "I know chu do. Has she called?"

He shook his head, and looked away from her, back to the rain.

Hands on her hips again. "Did chu call *her?*"

He shook his head again. Christ. it wasn't about Victoria--he missed her, but she had only been the top of the cake. This had been building, and building, and building since his parents had the girls. The mountain crumbled when John was born, and totally collapsed when he heard Aurora's screams.

His baby had never even screamed.

His body shook and he held his knees tighter, rocking softly.

Ms. Bird glared some more. "Den vhat else is chewing at chu?" she demanded. "Or chuld we let chu stew until you have driven both churself and my sweet Lecks out of his mind?"

"I don't want to talk about is, Ms. Bird," he said softly, and climbed to his feet, blanket in arms, back into the bedroom.

"Dat is too bad!" she yelled, getting up on her little feet and following him into the bedroom.

"Go away," he said instead, and after pushing out of his socks, climbed into bed again, pulling the comforters over him.

Ms. Bird followed again and perched on the side of the bed like the persistent old biddy she was. "No."

"Please, Ms. Bird. Please, go away. I know you're trying for the best, but I can't. Not right now. I can't."

"Yes, chu can," she said firmly. "Because chu cannot go any longer dis vay, because chu are hurting the peepul I love, and I von't let chu."

"I hurt everyone I love, Ms. Bird. It just happens," Clark said, his voice little but a croak.

"Den chu can stop it dis time," she said, reaching out to stroke her fingers through his hair. "Chu can stop hurting dem."

"I'm not trying to be selfish. Not on purpose."

"Den chu should talk about vhat is trubbling you," she said, keeping her fingers stroking through his hair. "Chu know that dey love chu dearly, and only vant chu to be happy again."

Clark didn't answer--he was wretched, firm deep in his pain, a pain which was barely concealing the hatred he felt growing in him with every breath, every movement. He hated everyone, everyone who had been given everything he wished desperately for, something he wanted more than life itself and couldn't have. He loved them but he hated them more, and the contradiction was killing him.

He felt like he was losing his mind.

"Don't touch me."

Ms. Bird just glared at him, and didn't stop stroking his hair. "If chu do not vant to talk to me, den chu should talk to someone, because dey are all worried about you."

"I won't talk to anyone if I don't want to," he croaked, and shrugged away from her again, rolling to sitting. His muscles, so loose in misery, now tensed as he scratched his fingers across his scalp to get the crawling feeling of the woman/s touch off of him. "Leave me alone. Leave me ALONE. I don't want to talk to you, or to LEX, or to ANYONE! I! DONT! NEED! ANYONE!" He bellowed.

The bathroom door slammed against the framework behind him.

Ms. Bird stayed perched on the bed, counted to ten, then got to her little feet, and padded over to the door, pounding on it with her fists. "Chu open this door, Clark, chu are acting like a brat und I vill not stand for it!"

"Leave me alone!" He sobbed out, sinking against the door and then down to his rump. The cold tile of the floor shocked through his clothes up into his bones, and finally, his body felt as cold as his mind. "Leave me alone, god damn you, leave me alone, LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"I vill not," she said firmly, adding her foot kicking the door to her fists pounding.

Clark ignored it, his body shuddering with her pounds and his tears. His hatred encompassed all rational thought, his throat tight and his heart aching with the guilt of his own anger, the pain of his own fear. He wanted nothing but to die.

He had hurt his aushna, his ashimel, Lionel and Dominic, and his mother. He could not find it in himself to be happy for them, when all he could feel was jealous hate.

He sobbed out, "Lex, Lex, come back, Lex."

Lex was still sitting downstairs, at the foot of the stairs in fact, with Lionel leaning against the banister and silently brooding beside him. He heard the call in his head before he heard it in his ears, and as soon as he did he was on his feet like a shot. "Clark!"

Lionel held out his arm and caught Lex across the chest, the exact reason he'd been standing where he'd been standing. "Wait. Ms. Bird will tell you if it's time for you to go to him," he said softly.

Lex snarled at his father, baring his teeth. "I don't *need* to be told when to go to my aushna'!" he roared, and shoved his father's arms down as he tore up the steps.

Ms. Bird met Lex in the bedroom, stepping aside as he exploded into the room, and sat down on the chair beside the bed.

Lex snarled at her too for good measure, and nearly ripped the bathroom door open to get to his aushna', and he fell to his knees beside Clark. "I'm here."

Clark tried to bite back the sobs as Lex nearly tore the door down, felt the tug of power until the lock gave, and then warm arms, warm and Clark held his lover and trembled. The tears were silently falling down his cheeks, the sweet smell of the milk he'd been drinking earlier gentle on his ragged breaths, and he couldn't take it. He couldn't take it, no, god dammit.

"I'm losing my mind," he whispered, his voice cracked right down the middle.

Lex's arms held his lover tightly, pulling Clark's head to rest on his shoulder as he kissed his forehead gently, whispering softly to him. "Tell me what I can do to ease my aushna's suffering," Lex pled in a quiet voice. "I'll do anything for you."

Clark wished he knew. More than anything, he wished he knew.

 

-fin-

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